A recent podcast guest shared her black belt sex tip: start the day by asking each other a sexy question. What a fun idea! It gives both of you an opportunity to share your intimate mind and maybe even get you in the mood. If that last part is the tricky bit, our guide to what actually gets you in the mood is worth a read.
Here are 29 fun and spicy questions you can ask each other:
- What do I do that turns you on the most?
- What’s your most memorable non-bedroom location we’ve made love?
- When life gets busy, what can I do to stay emotionally and sexually connected to you?
- Would you rather have spontaneous sex in the shower or something planned in advance in bed? Why?
- What do you wish we did more of in our sex life?
- Would you rather go one month of mediocre sex every day or one month without sex except for one exceptional evening?
- Do you prefer sex at night or in the morning? Why? Are we opposites or agree in this?
- You turn yourself on when: ______
- I turn myself off when: ______
- What are three places other than our bed that you’ve thought about having sex?
- If we can go back in time to change one thing about our first time having sex together, what would you do differently?
- What’s something sexual or intimate you weren’t interested in at first but now enjoy?
- What’s a favorite memory of a time we had sex where you remember laughing the most?
- What’s one of your secret sexual fantasies?
- What’s a favorite sexual memory where it was particularly pleasurable?
- Can you name a time you were really turned on by something I did and I didn’t notice you were turned on?
- What’s one thing I could do outside the bedroom that would make you more interested inside it?
- How has your childhood or upbringing shaped your sexuality?
- If sexual intercourse wasn’t an option but we still wanted to play sexually, what would you do?
- What’s a favorite sexual memory of a time you felt embarrassed during or because of sex?
- What’s the biggest thing that we disagree on about our sexual relationship?
- Complete the story: It was a rainy Sunday afternoon, and our other plans got cancelled. It was just the two of us at home without distractions. __________
- If you could have a sexual superpower, what would it be and why?
- Is it easier for you to give or receive sexual pleasure? Why?
- How do I let you know that I’m in the mood?
- What’s something creative you’d like to add to enhance our sexual play?
- What’s the spiciest or sexiest text message you received from me? What made it exciting?
- What’s your favorite form of foreplay?
- What sexual goals would you like to set together this year?
Try a few of these questions and let me know what it does for your marriage! And if talking openly about sex is the part that feels hard, our pillar on sexual communication in marriage is a good next step.
Want a whole library of conversation starters and intimacy ideas in your pocket? The Intimately Us app is packed with them—download it and explore together.
Spicy Questions to Ask Your Spouse: Common Questions
Good ones invite curiosity rather than make a request. Ask what turns them on most, what they wish you did more of, what they were not interested in at first but enjoy now, or what a favourite memory is. Open-ended questions work better than yes-or-no ones because they give your spouse room to tell you something you did not already know.
Start with questions that are easy to answer warmly — what you do that he finds most attractive, when he most feels wanted, or what he would choose if intercourse were off the table. Once there is some momentum, deeper ones about fantasies or things he has never brought up will feel far less exposing.
Ask about connection as much as mechanics. What helps her feel close to you, what gets her in the mood on an ordinary day, what she wishes happened more often. Many wives find questions about the build-up easier and more revealing than questions about the act itself.
Framing does almost all the work. Saying you want to ask questions about sex sounds like a performance review, while suggesting a fun game you found sounds like an invitation. Ease in with safer questions first and build warmth before going deeper, rather than sprinting from a standing start.
Not right before sex, and never in the middle of a conflict — both load the questions with pressure. A long car ride, a walk together, or an unhurried Saturday morning works far better. The more relaxed and already-connected you are, the more honest the answers tend to be.
Yes. Curiosity about your spouse is not the same as indulgence, and talking openly about intimacy within marriage is healthy rather than shameful. Questions are an invitation to know each other better, and knowing your spouse more fully is part of the oneness marriage is built on.
