Over time, our relationship and marriage has evolved. Have you noticed this to be true for your own marriage? Just the other day I was thinking of how my spouse and I have passed through some of the different intimacy phases, which is what this email will introduce you to today.
Each phase solves a problem in the previous stage while creating a new problem for a later phase of maturity to solve. For instance, I can distinctly remember the moment sex for us entered Phase 3.
Can you relate to any of these phases?
Phase 1: Creation
This is where the journey begins—when everything is new and filled with possibility! In this phase, couples are just starting to figure things out, discovering what works for them in the bedroom and beyond.
It’s about laying the groundwork: exploring pleasure, navigating consent, and even figuring out how to gently say “not tonight” without hurting feelings. It can be an exciting time, but also one that sets the patterns for how the intimate relationship will operate over the next few years. This phase is all about building a foundation—one that will support the relationship as it grows.
Phase 2: Maintenance
Life has a way of filling up with responsibilities—work, kids, the endless to-do lists—and gradually sex becomes something you have to schedule between everything else. Welcome to the Maintenance phase!
Here, intimacy can feel more like a routine, something to keep alive rather than to thrive in. Quickies become the norm, not because the passion is gone, but because life demands efficiency. The challenge here is finding balance—keeping the connection alive without letting it slip into the background. It’s about survival, yes, but also about staying connected when life gets busy.
Phase 3: Novelty
After a while, the quickie routine can start to feel a bit too…routine. One day, one of you might say, “Is this it? I miss the excitement.” That’s the signal you’re ready to enter the Novelty phase.
This is where the desire to shake things up takes center stage. Maybe you yearn to try new things in the bedroom, or perhaps you simply start flirting again like you did in the early days. The key here is rediscovering each other, which often means stepping out of your comfort zones.
It’s not always easy to break out of established patterns, but the rewards can be well worth the effort. This phase is about rekindling the spark and exploring new depths of connection.
Phase 4: Meaning
As you navigate through Novelty, you find that sex becomes more than just an act—it becomes a powerful language. In the Meaning phase, you start to understand that intimacy carries with it deep layers of emotion, history, and even unspoken expectations.
This is where sex can be both deeply fulfilling and sometimes heartbreaking, as it reflects the depth or superficiality of your relationship.
It’s no longer just about keeping things interesting, but about infusing your connection with significance. Here, you’ll find that your shared experiences, the ups and downs of life, add richness to your intimate moments. It’s about making sex meaningful, not just for the thrill of it alone, but for what it says about who you are together.
Phase 5: Freedom
And then, you arrive at Freedom—the phase where intimacy becomes a fully expressed part of your relationship. Here, you and your partner feel completely at ease, free to be yourselves without holding back.
This is the phase where you want to thoroughly “do” your spouse (or want to be “done” by them).
This is where you can unabashedly surrender to each other.
This is where you can fully embrace the physical and emotional aspects of sex, where there’s no shame, no fear—just the joy of being with one another. It’s playful, it’s passionate, and most importantly, it’s authentic. You’re not just doing it out of obligation or habit; you’re doing it because it’s a natural, joyous part of your connection. This phase is about celebrating your love, your bodies, and the beautiful, messy journey that brought you here.
Conclusion
What phase are you and your spouse in? Understanding that one’s sexual relationship grows in phases over a lifetime can help you feel optimistic about where your sexual relationship can go, instead of feeling stuck with where it is.
Have a chat with your spouse this week about where your sexual relationship is, and where you would both like it to go!
