Kissing: How to Bring Back the Sparks

by | Nov 3, 2022 | Making Sex Fun!

Let me tell you a secret: my first kiss with my future husband was not a great kiss. He had asked me previously what kissing meant to me, and I responded, “I’m basically down to kiss whenever.” That evening, I walked him home (for safety ;). He leaned down as he is 6’5” and I came too far up. We hit at an awkward angle, gave a quick peck, and then I turned around to walk home.

the author and her husband
@laurenrosephotography The Author and Her Husband

The Kissing Journey

Kissing tends to be an important factor in a new relationship. The first kiss is something special, and the rest that follow mean so much as you learn about each other and deepen the relationship.

In marriage, we often forget how important a kiss can be. Kisses become casual; which isn’t a bad thing, but it means they are frequently taken for granted. We focus on more “intense” forms of physical intimacy, like orgasm and penetration. The magic kiss, which once lit the spark between you, is now no more than a robotic gesture at partings and joinings. 

Kissing Is Important

So why is kissing important? Kissing has been proven to release the hormone oxytocin in our brains. This hormone is often associated with love as it usually initiates feelings of attachment and affection. This oxytocin bonds us to our spouse and teaches our brain to be happy when they are around. In fact, a 2013 study suggested that kissing (and oxytocin) is a big part of monogamy because it helps our brain know that our spouse brings more happiness than other potential “mates.”

Couple kissing with a lot of emotion

Different kisses can communicate different things. We can give kisses to our kids, our parents, or our pets. In some cultures, a kiss on the cheek is the normal form of greeting a friend. If we aren’t careful, our kisses with our spouse can become mechanical. We can give a kiss as we walk out the door without even thinking about it. Or, we can give kisses with the expectation that they will lead to sex.

What are we trying to communicate to our spouse with our kisses? The above examples could communicate obligation or duty. What if instead you were able to communicate desire? Or playfulness? Or a deep connection? Here are a few examples of what a kiss could communicate. 

Different Types of Kisses

  • Forehead Kiss: I once had someone describe a forehead kiss to me as “the most selfless kiss.” For most people, it communicates gentleness and protection. It can help a spouse (especially a wife) feel treasured and cared for.
  • Cheek Kiss: This type of kiss is used a lot in film, sometimes as a sad goodbye, sometimes the delicate start of something new. I personally love kisses on the cheek as they feel teasing like, “I could’ve kissed your lips, but I’m taking this slow on purpose.”
  • Peck on the Lips: This could be that mechanical kiss we already talked about, or it could be filled with emotion. The big difference here is not the action necessarily, but the emotion you put into it. 
  • Kiss on the Hand: This is a classic from regency romances, where every touch has so much meaning. This kiss is a sign of respect and chivalry, but also a tease that can help desire grow!

The Persian Goodbye (and the Oklahoma Hello): Anyone who has seen the hit musical Oklahoma knows what I’m talking about here. A young lady is pursued by two suitors: one a slick traveling salesman, and one a rancher. The traveling salesman gives her “Persian Goodbyes” in which his kisses move up her arm as he bids her farewell. The young lady asks her rancher if he could maybe give her some “Persian Goodbyes.” He replies with, “Well, have you ever had an Oklahoma Hello?” He proceeds to dip her and plant a very solid kiss on her mouth. (Hint for husbands: try both with your wife and ask her which one she likes best!) 

3 Tips to Up Your Game

You get the idea: kissing can mean so many different things! And it can be really fun to learn to say new things ;). Here are 3 tips to help widen your profile of kisses. My hope is that with some new ideas, you will be able to bring the spark back to your kisses and communicate passion to your spouse. 

Cheerful young couple using laptop together at home.

#1 French Kiss: How to Use Your Tongue

In movies, characters are often seen making out spontaneously and shoving their tongues down each other’s throats. Also this type of intense and sudden kiss can be fun sometimes, it can also be jarring and invasive (especially if the lower desire partner is on the receiving end). If you want to use your tongue, slow it down. Start with a very chaste kiss, and eventually part their lips with yours. Gently trace around their lips with your tongue, silently asking permission to come deeper. Then, enter slowly. You can make slow rotations (the washing machine), or slowly move in and out. Maybe come in for just a second, stealing a little taste. As the receiving partner, try adding a little suction. Remember, French kissing should (usually) be a marathon, not a sprint. Enjoy the sensations without wondering when you can move to the next thing.

#2 And What do I do With my Hands?

When kissing, most people focus on the lips. However, what really takes a kiss to the next level is what our hands are doing. Our hands should be actively communicating with our spouse. If your message is gentle love and hope, try gently touching your spouse’s face or lightly running your hands down their arms. If you are feeling passionate, hold them close to you. And if you want to spice things up, start to explore their body with your hands. Run up and down them, wind your fingers in their hair, and slip under their clothes. 

#3 How to Mix it Up

Lastly, don’t be afraid to try something new! Your lips are one of the most sensitive parts of your body. Explore how it feels to kiss in new places, like the neck, the jawline, the fingers, the stomach, the chest, the ears etc. Set some time aside to “just kiss.” Try different pressures, with and without tongue, with and without biting. Travel your spouse’s body with your mouth as your vehicle. And if you both agree, eventually move to their genitals and see how much pleasure your mouth can give. If you want more tips on Oral Sex, check out these blog posts! Fellatio and Cunnilingus 


I know what you’re all thinking; how did things work out after your awkward first kiss! To tell you the truth, I didn’t care that it was awkward. I went home on Cloud 9 because a cute boy had kissed me. In the end, it doesn’t matter how “good” at kissing you are. What matters is your intent, and the feelings behind your kiss. Try to bring your real self and emotions into your kisses and you’ll light the sparks even if the execution is a little awkward. 

Written by Amanda Severson with Get Your Marriage On!

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<h3>Amanda Severson</h3>

Amanda Severson

Hi, I'm Amanda! I'm a grad student on her way to becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist. I'm a wife and a sex enthusiast. I am a psychology nerd whose life goal is to help every couple find the absolute joy of sharing your life with someone else.

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