Why Add Cunnilingus?

It is well known that oral sex is pleasurable for a man. But less well known, and definitely less discussed, is the fact that oral sex on a woman (called cunnilingus) is arguably more pleasurable. You read that right. The amount of pleasure experienced by a woman while receiving oral sex is far greater than the pleasure a man experiences while receiving oral sex. 

How can that be, you ask? 

The long and the short of it is … the clitoris. 

An amazing amount of nerve endings are packed into the tip of the clitoris, approximately 8,000 to be exact, which is twice the amount found in the entire penis. 

The clitoris also is an organ designed solely for pleasure. It serves no other purpose. 

Something else you probably did not learn in Sex Ed, the clitoris is actually, on average, about nine inches long. You only see roughly a tenth of it as the rest is nestled inside the woman’s body. The tip (the most pleasurable part) sticks out of the woman’s body and is protected by the clitoral hood (more on this in a bit). Much like an iceberg, there’s a lot more under the surface. The remaining nine-tenths stretch back into the shape of a wishbone inside the pelvis. 

Penetration largely misses the clitoris entirely and almost every woman needs to have their clitoris stimulated to reach orgasm. This is why only 1⁄4 to 1⁄3 of women can achieve orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse alone. 

To really pleasure your wife, you’re going to have to get your hands, and your mouth, and your tongue, involved. 

Enter, cunnilingus. 

Oral sex on a woman provides her the opportunity to be the center of attention. Direct stimulation of the vulva, specifically the clitoris, will most likely produce more intense, longer lasting, and more powerful orgasms for her. For today’s woman, being the center of attention for a while provides her a mini-vacation from her world of responsibilities, schedules, deadlines, and nagging to-do lists. 

There are a couple of different research studies on this experience. One such study surveyed 98 married women and reported that 82% of these women ranking cunnilingus as the most enjoyable and gratifying sexual act. Sixty-eight percent of the women reported intercourse was very pleasurable, but the women only experienced an orgasm 25% of the time. In layman’s terms, out of every four times these women engaged in intercourse, only once did they reach orgasm. However, during oral sex, the same group of women reported reaching orgasm 81% of the time. Kinsey and Masters and Johnson have found similar results in their research: only 7.7% of women did not reach an orgasm if their husbands spent more than 21 minutes engaging in foreplay and oral sex. 

Okay, so the point has been made, correct? 

Oral sex is a great form of sex for a woman. 

Whether you decide to go down on her before you enter her or choose to surprise her by making cunnilingus the main event for the evening, rest assured that the time spent focusing on her can strengthen your bond and relationship.

Ground Rules

Before you dive in, it’s important to address a couple of things. 

I realize that if you’ve read to this point you’re most likely eager to get to the nitty-gritty, but rein in the horses for a bit. The best way to add this to your repertoire is to talk about your interest with your spouse. Many women are self conscious, so forcing your way down between her legs is not the best way to start. Talk about this with her. Gauge her interest and comfort level. You also need to gauge your own. Not every man is interested or likes to go down on a woman. 

There is nothing medically wrong or dangerous with oral sex (in most cases), although many STDs can be transmitted orally as well as through intercourse. So use caution when necessary if you add oral sex to your repertoire. 

WARNING: Never blow air into your wife’s vagina (like blowing up a balloon) – this is dangerous and may cause serious complications or may even result in death. 

And, even though this post will lay it all out here in vivid detail – all the ins and outs, the tricks, the techniques – you’re going to have to put them together in a way that makes sense for the woman receiving this gift. 

I’ll give you the notes, but you’ve got to create the music. 

Finally, every woman is different – not only from other women, but also (confusingly at times) from themselves on a day-to-day (or even hour-to-hour) basis. 

That said, there are a couple of hard and fast rules. 

For instance, never spread your wife’s legs open and immediately start pounding her clitoris with your tongue or sucking it voraciously. There’s always something to be said for the build up, teasing and preparing for that pleasure. So, unless it’s one of those intense sexual encounters where everything is in over-drive or you only have 10 minutes until the kids come home from school, don’t go straight for the goods. Take some time to kiss her whole body, every once in a while brush by her vulva – with your lips, your fingers, your tongue – just enough to let her know you’re on your way down.

How to Initiate

Even though research shows that women enjoy oral sex, most women won’t ask for it or even let on that they have thought about it or want it. So how do you initiate it? 

Many women are self-conscious. How many times do you hear the “Do I look fat in this outfit?” or the “How does this look?” question. Before going down on your wife, you must first break this barrier or she will never let you in between her legs. 

But this part is easy – compliment and connect with her. 

Do it gradually, over a period of time, and make sure the compliments are genuine. Show interest in her and connect with her. Listen to her. Send her sexy texts. Take her on a date. Pamper her. This is all part of a deeper relationship anyway, so connecting in a deeper way emotionally helps set the stage for oral success. 

When your wife’s emotional needs are met, she will open up more to you sexually. 

What’s the Goal

Oral sex can be one of the most direct and easiest paths to orgasm for a woman, but it may not happen or be the goal every time. 

Cunnilingus may be one of the opening acts or it could be the main event, the point is to pay attention and keep the lines of communication open throughout the entire show.

Getting Ready

So you’ve put in the effort connecting with your wife outside of the bedroom and now you’re ready to move to the next step. 

One of the best segues into sex is a shower. This offers a couple of benefits. If you haven’t figured it out already, many women are very sensitive about their natural smell.

Fortunately for you, most women who know they’re going to experience cunnilingus will make sure they are very clean beforehand. You will likely not have to introduce the subject at all. Under normal circumstances, her down-there smell is usually just fine. Most women’s sensitivity and self-consciousness about her natural smell is largely unfounded. 

And again, some women have a stronger smell than others, and this can even vary from day to day as well, so you may need to take some time to adjust to her natural smell. After some time, when both you and your wife are more comfortable, she may not even need to shower beforehand at all. This is entirely a personal choice.

However, especially in the beginning, a shower beforehand will make both you and her more comfortable and receptive. Plus, there’s the option of showering together beforehand, which can be great foreplay. 

Warming Up

The actual act of performing oral sex on her will involve a combination of things. 

Essential among them are what you can do to the labia (vaginal lips), clitoris, and vaginal opening. Stimulation can provided directly, indirectly, and a combination of the two. Remember that your tongue is going to be your “magic maker‟. Use all parts of it to create different sensory experiences for her. You can relax it and use the flat surface, its sides or the tip; or stiffen it for a more intense and direct effect. 

Start slow. The clitoris has many nerve endings and is designed to be very sensitive. “Attacking” it can provide overstimulation which is not the goal. Generally, if your wife is pushing your head away, she is feeling or anticipating an overwhelming sensation. When a more gently approached, she is more likely to pull you toward it. Use this queue as a measure of how quickly or slowly to proceed toward full mouth-on-genital contact. 

The entire encounter usually begins somewhere north of the southern regions! 

Think of your wife like an oven – you can’t bake a cake unless you preheat it. If your wife hasn’t been “preheated,” she will not be receptive to oral sex (or any sex in many cases). 

There are two basic things you want to make sure happen before you begin a session of oral sex (and sex). First, your wife must be mentally in the mood. Then she must physically be relaxed, comfortable and as a result, receptive. You can get creative – while old standards work great you will also want to take into account your wife’s preferences and your relationship together. For example, for a woman who can’t stand to have her feet touched, a suggestion of a foot rub to get her relaxed isn’t going to go very far, is it? Feel free to come up with your own ideas – just remember the basics: get her mentally turned on and physically relaxed.

Her Erogenous Zones

Remember when you first began dating and you’d spend all kinds of time holding hands? Kissing? Holding her head as you kissed? Kissing her neck? Arms wrapped around each other? And then possibly working towards touching her breast through her shirt? 

You likely spent a great deal of time on the more non-sexual parts because it’s too soon to go too far. One of the pitfalls of married life is too often we cut to the chase and forget about the pursuit. 

Here are some good areas to start with: 

Lips – Just kiss her. Kiss her while thinking about kissing her. A little tongue can be nice, but let your lips do most the work. 

Neck – The neck is a very erogenous zone. Be careful about being too light or she may get tickled – although perhaps some nights a little tickling might be nice. Also, remember not to get too rough with her. Find a nice balance in between and stay for a few minutes. While in the neck area, you can also drift up to the earlobe and whisper to her how excited you are about what’s to come, or how tonight is just for her. 

Breasts – Usually most men’s favorite part, but be careful not to dive right onto the nipples – it can be almost as detrimental as going straight for the clitoris. If she is wearing her shirt still, make an effort to caress her lightly with both your hands. You can even make a big deal about taking off her shirt. Do it slowly and deliberately. Same with her bra. Give her the attention you would give her if you were seeing her naked breasts for the first time. When caressing her with your hands, make sure not to pinch her nipples too hard – you can roll them between your thumb and forefinger, but don’t press down or pinch (again, unless you’re directed to). When you work your way to the breasts, don’t go directly for the nipple. Kiss and lick all around for several minutes. Once your mouth is on the nipple, you can swirl your tongue around it like you were licking an ice cream cone. Another technique is to flick the nipple with your tongue. Spend lots of time (unless your partner is nudging you downwards!) caressing and licking her breasts and nipples – studies show that there is a direct link between the breasts and the clitoris. Also, once you do begin cunnilingus, don’t forget about her breasts! Many women enjoy their nipples being caressed while your tongue is working elsewhere. 

Stomach/Belly Button – This can be a very erogenous zone, but it usually is not. Light kisses work best here, because there needs to be a transition between the top half of the body and the lower half. Don’t stay too long in this zone because it is not directly giving her pleasure. 

Inner Thighs – A good place to go before jumping right into the vulva. If your wife is self conscious about her inner thighs, don’t spend long here, but you want her to feel the warm wetness of your mouth and your heated breath before putting your lips on her vulva. This will get her anticipating your tongue even more! Be careful of ticklish thighs, however. If you want to tease her more, alternate between licking her vulva a little bit and staying in between her inner thighs. 

When you pay attention to her cues, you will know when she is ready for you to move to each area as you work your way south. 

Quick Summary

Prepare her body for the pleasure of your tongue with a passionate open mouth kiss, pecks on her neck, sucking her nipples, use a combo of licking and sucking down the center of her back or her abdomen toward the buttocks or vagina, lick and suck her inner thighs, and make eye contact with her often throughout the time. 

Kisses and licks downward on her abdomen and along her thighs signal your imminent approach. As she is readying for a more intense experience, her breathing will become more rapid and shallow. She may touch you and/or herself. Arching her back, licking her lips, sighing, moaning, moving her head side to side and facial expressions are common signs that she wants you to advance your progression toward her vagina. 

It is important that you listen and observe the cues that she wants to feel your mouth on her vagina. 

Get Down to Business

This is worth stating again: Don’t head straight for the Clitoris! 

Spend time elsewhere, both on her body as this all unfolds and her vulva once you arrive in the area. This is a gradual heating up and unfolding, take your time. 

A few techniques and tips to use: 

Wide, slow strokes – Spread your tongue out wide, like you were about to lick an ice cream cone. While not pressing too hard, you can go over the clitoris – this indirect licking can wake up her clitoris and get it ready for what’s to come. A “wide lapping” move is a great first move – it simply feels wonderful to have a warm, wet tongue covering the entire vulva and moving up slowly. 

In between her labia – A great move to transition from the wide, slow strokes.  Use your flat or semi-pointed tongue (semi-pointed does work best) and work your way slowly in between her inner and outer labia from top to bottom. A very sharp and pointed tongue is generally not something to use during this particular technique – leave that for later in some clitoral flicking. You can even nibble her labia gently (if you’re concerned about using your teeth, use the same technique with your lips turned inward covering your teeth). 

The lollipop lick – This sort of lick encompasses the entire area and, similar to the motions used while licking a lollipop (I mean those big ones you get at amusement parks) – from the outside in. Start on the outside of her labia and work your way inward using slow and wide tongue strokes. If you wish, you can end the “lollipop” on her clitoris and begin to focus more on the clitoris after she’s really warmed up and the clitoris has “come out to play”. 

Tongue thrusting – Again, a great move to help transition from either a wide, flat tongue or labia exploring into more focused clitoral stimulation. Bring your tongue down to her vaginal opening and insert it gently, much like you would a finger if you were pleasuring her with your hands. You may find that either you or your partner does not like very deep tongue thrusting, so start out very light and gentle until you get a feel for it. But, just licking barely in and out of the vaginal opening will give her a great feeling. 

Use your lips – The tongue is the most powerful muscle in the body, but there’s nothing that compares to a soft set of lips caressing the entire vulva. This creates a soft, sucking sensation that can send chills down her spine (and probably receive a few moans in appreciation). Use your lips as an icebreaker to clitoral stimulation since they are much softer than your tongue, or use them on the rest of the vulva, particularly the labia. A great way to use both the lips and the tongue together during cunnilingus is to act as though you’re French kissing her vulva. Another variation on this technique is to place your entire mouth on her vulva. You can then move into a gentle sucking or use your open mouth to gently blow warm air onto her vulva. 

WARNING: DO NOT BLOW AIR INTO HER VAGINA (LIKE BLOWING UP A BALLOON) – THIS IS DANGEROUS AND MAY CAUSE SERIOUS COMPLICATIONS AND MAY EVEN RESULT IN DEATH. 

Tip: It is at this stage that you want to begin developing a rhythm. Begin introducing your wife to a rhythm (fast, medium or slow, depending on her current mood and the circumstances) before focusing on her clitoris.

Closing the Deal

As you spend the time warming her up, engaging her mind, connected by looking her in the eye, and them working your mouth down her body and around her vulva, the clitoris will likely come out from under its hood. Like has already been mentioned several times, too much direct stimulation or too early isn’t a good idea as it’s often too sensitive. But when it’s out from under its hood take care of it and use it properly. 

Many different clitoral stimulation techniques can be performed with the tongue. It is important to note that any one move in and of itself is not enough to bring your wife to orgasm. Moves and techniques must be repeated and varied – keep her guessing! Don’t forget, however, that you must also develop a rhythm and keep it, especially close to orgasm. 

Sweeping – A great move! It’s fairly easy – position your tongue on either the right or left side of her clitoris and move from side to side as though you’re sweeping a floor. 

Circles – One of the best and most pleasurable clitoral stimulation techniques. You can use this one a lot because it rarely gets boring! The technique is somewhat self- explanatory – position your tongue either to the left or right of her clitoris. Begin to move your tongue in circles around the clitoris only, clockwise or counter-clockwise, you choose. This gives the clitoris plenty of stimulation outside the hood and directly as you circle around her. 

Suction – A move best performed when your wife is really aroused. Suction too early in the game may turn her off completely. Take her clitoris gently into your mouth and lightly suck on it. Don’t get too rough with this move! This is easy to do, and it’s very important that you pay attention to your wife’s cues and movements. If she seems to be shrinking away before her orgasm, lighten up on the suction or stop sucking her clitoris at all.. 

ABC’s –It may sound funny, but you’ll once again position your tongue (a pointed one works best here) either to the side or at the top of her clitoris and begin using your tongue to draw your ABC’s. Most of the movement is performed outside of the clitoral hood while just a few strokes end up contacting the clitoral head itself. This move gives just the right amount of contact to both the clitoral hood and the clitoral head while mixing things up. You get the best of all the worlds – perfect contact, an excellent rhythm, and no two strokes exactly the same. See if you can make it all the way to Z. If you’re wife’s sufficiently warmed up – I bet you can’t before she reaches orgasm! 

Vacuum – Fairly self-explanatory, however, be careful not to suck too hard. Place your mouth over your wife’s clitoris and gently (notice – gently) suck it in and out of your mouth. This is a great move to use when your wife is fairly close to orgasm. Using it too soon may result in her rejecting the sensation completely. You also want to avoid using this move during her orgasm unless she specifically requests it. It may be too strong of a sensation during an orgasm. 

Additional Things to Use

Your hands and your fingers are a great addition to this whole experience. At times your mouth needs a quick break so use your hands and fingers. At times your hands and fingers are in the way. The point is to pay attention to your wife and her responses to each thing you attempt. If she’s loving it, keep going. If she feels to be shrinking away, try something else. Watch her for clues. 

There are also various toys and products that can enhance this experience. The key is to communicate with your wife regarding what you include, and don’t include as part of your sex life. 

Some Oral Sex Positions

In addition to your wife, sitting on your face or lying on her back, experiment with alternate positions. You can also alter them for her performing fellatio on you. 

  • She can get on all fours and spread her legs wide enough to accommodate your head between them. You can use pillows to prop up your head and rest beneath her OR you can get on all fours and lick on her from behind. 
  • She can stand with her legs parted and you kneel before her. This is a “power position” for her. It will give you limited access to her but the visual may enhance the arousal. If she bends over slightly, leaning on a supporting surface like the back of the sofa, you can approach her from behind. 
  • She can lie down. Lie perpendicular to her with your face to her vagina (make a T). Have her put one leg over your forearm (or neck or back) with the other leg stretched out. You can spread her legs wide from time to time. She will have a natural inclination to close them tightly. This will add to the experience and give you full access to her. 
  • With her standing, have her place one leg on a table or chair (maybe elevate the leg a little more with books or pillows). You, sitting in a chair, can approach her from the front. Have her pull up on her pubic mound to make her clitoris and vulva more accessible. Cup her buttocks in your hands to pull her close to you. 
  • With her at the edge of the bed and her feet on or toward the floor, position yourself between her legs. Place your hand beneath her buttocks. You may, also, place a pillow beneath her hips to vary the experience. If performing to orgasm, lift her legs with knees toward her chest and spread just prior to climax. 

Other Hot Tips

  • Suck her toes and/or fingers before or during oral sex. 
  • Create a playlist of her favorite love songs. Place earphones on her ears and let her listen to music as you please her. The sensory manipulation will heighten the intensity of her experience. 
  • Blindfold her as well as place earphones on her. Sensory deprivation will feed her imagination and anticipation. 
  • Bathe her before performing oral sex on her. A sensuous bubble bath prior to oral sex is intimate and will assure both of you of cleanliness. 
  • Perform oral sex while you shower together. 
  • Hum a song she likes while you suck her clitoris. 
  • Pull your mouth away for a moment and lightly breathe on her vulva while you use your fingers on her. 
  • Place an ice cube in your mouth. Be careful not to let the ice cube rest in any one place too long. 
  • Suck on a Halls cough drop before going down. The menthol adds to the sensations. 
  • Talk to her before, during, and after. Obviously your mouth will be otherwise occupied at times. But great encounters usually engage as many senses as possible. 
  • While you are performing oral sex on her, tell her she doesn’t have to repay you. 
  • Write her a short erotic story describing how you love her, how she turns you on, describe you going down on her and how you hope it feels to her. Be descriptive and creative. Have her read it to you … while you make the words a reality.

Final Thoughts

Do not leave her alone during this experience. Talk to her. Communicate that you’re into her…not just “in” her. She’ll love it when you can demonstrate that you understand her body and her needs. 

And above all, enjoy the time together. This is not meant to be a routine, do this, then this, type of occasion. Talk to each other. Go slow. Let go of attachment to an outcome and simply follow the connection. 

If you liked this, go check out more Techniques and How-To’s on the Intimately Us app.