The Formula for Deeper Intimacy

To me, intimacy is the joy that comes from being close and personal. It’s something I crave in my marriage. Although intimacy is more than just “sex”, the very best sex occurs in relationships where there’s deep intimacy!

Intimacy symbolizes uniting our hearts and two people coming together as one. It’s probably no wonder that the biblical word for this type of intimacy is often rendered “to know” in English, connoting a sense of relational closeness.

It’s sweet to think that this deep intimacy means you really know someone-strengths, weaknesses, and you still love them (warts and all!). 

I was curious about how one can improve the intimacy in their relationship. I stumbled across this formula, and it made sense to me:

Vulnerability + Trust = Intimacy

Let’s talk about the first part. Vulnerability means showing up as your true self. It’s a willingness to be yourself and let others see you for who you truly are. It’s being emotionally naked and authentic.

Dr. Brene Brown, Professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, defines vulnerability this way:

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper or meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” It is also indicated that “Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings”

Daring Greatly, p. 33

It takes courageous to be yourself, show up, and be seen, doesn’t it?

Being vulnerable is just the first part of the equation though. Trust is the next ingredient. Trust grows when you respect, withhold judgment, and listen with your whole heart when your spouse opens up to discuss his or her deepest and innermost parts of themselves. In other words, when your spouse is being vulnerable, you don’t take advantage of them but help them feel safe and secure about their vulnerable self. Do this enough times and trust will grow.

Tuning In to Each Other

Intimacy also requires couples to tune in to each other. Laura M. Brotherson, a licensed marriage therapist and sex therapist, explains it this way: “

It’s a skill to be able to sense each other’s inner state and respond accordingly….Couples spend a lot of time being mis-attuned to each other. Being tuned in to each other is a reward that comes only after a lot of time and effort has been expended. Couple attunement is ‘in-to-me-see’ intimacy on a whole new level.”

Couple attunement is “in-to-me-see” intimacy


Connection and attunement (tuning in to each other) comes from the way we talk, listen, pay attention, touch, and treat each other. Eye contact, holding hands, hugging, and especially sex that’s bonding release the oxytocin neurotransmitters in our brains that build strong biological and emotional bonds in marriage. Showing empathy and sincerity in the relationship help us tune to each other.

Building Intimacy with Conversation Starters

Do you want to be vulnerable, trusting, and tuned in to each other but struggle figuring out the first step? Try some conversation starters, for starters!

There are hundreds of free conversation starters included in the Get Your Marriage On! app.

Michael and Maria wrote us the following sweet message:

Maria and I are always looking for ways to grow and deepen intimacy in our marriage. We are both verbally inclined so your app opens the doorway for us and gives us a guided pathway to deeper union starting with words and progressing to physical intimacy all done with deep love and respect. We had tried making up similar “games” but this app is all encompassing. We love to use it on date nights and when we travel alone as a couple.

What ways do you and your spouse build intimacy? Feel free to share in the comments below.

<h3>Dan Purcell</h3>

Dan Purcell

Dan and his wife Emily Purcell are the founders of Get Your Marriage On! Their marriage went through a bit of a renaissance a few years ago and wanted to share what they learned with other couples. They created a fun & sexy bedroom game app called Intimately Us that has been downloaded over 300,000. They put on events and retreats for couples.Dan is the host of the Get Your Marriage On! podcast. Dan is a Life Coach that coaches other couples and individuals on how to have a great marriage, deeper intimacy, and fulfilling sex life.Dan and Emily have been married for over 18 years and have 6 kids. Dan loves cracking dad jokes, running marathons, planning the next creative date night with his sweetheart, and enjoys the magnificent outdoors around their St George home.

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