Choosing to See The Beautiful

When you look at your spouse, what do you see? Do you see the messes they make and haven’t bothered yet to clean up? Or do you see the tender way in which they take care of your children? Do you let the clothes on the floor get the best of you, or appreciate the hard work they put in every day to make a living and a life together possible? 

Do you let the imperfections that become visible with familiarity and age bother you, or think instead of the wonderful memories you’ve collected from years of sharing a life together? 

I confess I chose to focus on my wife’s faults and small imperfections at times. As I reflect on those times, I let those small irritants become magnified and exaggerated. I wasn’t looking for the good qualities of my wife. I was instead focusing on a small single imperfection like a magnifying glass to the exclusion of her many other virtues. 

Our brains have a remarkable ability to focus on one detail at a time. Our eyes also have that remarkable ability: although the human eye’s 150 million light-sensitive cells can see detail at an incredibly high resolution, it’s only in the center of the eye that can take in detail. What you choose to look at and focus on matters from a biological and relationship perspective.

What you decide to look at and focus on can make or break a marriage. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman explained that no matter how much trouble a marriage is in, it can be saved if individuals in the relationship choose to look at their partner with fondness and admiration.

I’m not saying we should all turn a blind eye to the faults and weaknesses of others. We still need to exercise good judgment and make wise decisions in our relationships. How would your marriage be different if you used more of your brain’s emotional processing power on the good & the beautiful rather than the critical & the ugly?

Have you ever made a list of 20 qualities of your spouse you find attractive? Making a list of things you like about him or her will help you cultivate fondness and admiration for each other. There’s an app for that — the Get Your Marriage On! App has a free tool just for this purpose.

Today’s Challenge: Look your lover in the eyes today and make the decision to see the best in them. For bonus points, write them down and share your list with them!

Phone Screens of Intimately Us App

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<h3>Dan Purcell</h3>

Dan Purcell

Dan and his wife Emily Purcell are the founders of Get Your Marriage On! They are on a mission to strengthen marriages by making lovemaking incredibly fun and deeply connecting. Dan is a sex coach. They are also the creators of the popular Intimately Us and Just Between Us apps that have been downloaded over 750,000 times. They are the host of the popular Get Your Marriage On! podcast with over 1 million listens. In addition to their coaching program, they host romantic retreat getaways for couples, and put on workshops on how to have a great sex life and deeper intimacy. Dan and Emily met in middle school and have been married for over 20 years and have 6 kids. Dan loves cracking dad jokes, running marathons, planning the next creative date night with his sweetheart, and enjoys the magnificent outdoors around their St George home.

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