In this episode of the Sexpert Interview Series, I interview Rhonda Farr, a certified intimacy coach. Rhonda shares her experience coaching many men and women on how to develop deeper intimacy in their marriage for better sex & a happier relationship.
What We Cover in This Episode
In this very first episode of the podcast, I sit down with intimacy coach Rhonda Farr to talk about what actually creates closeness in marriage. Rhonda opens up about the first decade of her own marriage, when she spent more time daydreaming about escaping than connecting—until she discovered she could change herself instead of waiting for her husband to change.
From there we get into one of my favorite definitions of intimacy, one Rhonda developed alongside therapist Jennifer Finlayson-Fife: intimacy as the capacity to tolerate—to tolerate ourselves and each other. It sounds unromantic at first, but it’s profound. We can only be truly known when we stop performing a polished version of ourselves and let our spouse see who we really are.
Rhonda also walks through the thought-feeling-action chain that quietly runs every marriage: our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings fuel our actions, and our actions create the results we’re living with. Change the thought, and everything downstream begins to shift.
Key takeaways
- You can’t force your spouse to change—and forced change never lasts, because the real feelings aren’t behind it. Growth starts with you.
- Intimacy is the ability to tolerate yourself and each other, honestly and without pretense.
- When someone fears “if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me,” the deeper issue is usually self-acceptance.
- Your thoughts drive your feelings, your feelings fuel your actions, and your actions create your results.
- The first step toward closeness is getting honest about whether you like who you are as a husband or wife.
If this resonates, keep going deeper. Start with our guide to building real emotional intimacy, then explore how becoming a secure, safe partner helps you tolerate closeness instead of fearing it. For the full roadmap, see our complete guide to emotional intimacy in marriage.
And if you’d love coaching that helps you do this work together, our Next Level program is built for exactly that.
We discuss many concepts in this episode, including:
- Intimacy is the capacity to tolerate ourselves and each other
- The need to get honest with yourself
- Writing your own marriage manual and deciding what to keep or discard
- The difference between making a request and demands
- What to do if you’re having pity sex
- Black belt intimacy tips
For more information on how to take your marriage to the next level, download the Intimately Us app from https://intimately.us! Check out Rhonda’s work at https://rhondafarr.com/
