In this bonus Q&A episode, I tackle some of the most vulnerable and complex sexual questions couples are asking right now.
We talk about:
- Anal play and whether certain acts are morally wrong
- Masturbation inside marriage — especially when your spouse is available
- What to do when teasing doesn’t lead to follow-through
- How to talk dirty without feeling dirty
- Stepping into sexual confidence when your spouse wants more intensity
- Low desire that won’t budge — even after trying everything
- And the painful dynamic of feeling like you’re never “enough”
Here’s the core principle:
Sex acts themselves are often neutral. What matters is the fruit they produce in your marriage.
Is it building trust? Intimacy? Freedom? Playfulness?
Or is it creating shame, pressure, resentment, or disconnection?
This episode will help you think more deeply, talk more honestly, and navigate your sexual relationship with maturity and integrity.
If you want deeper support, don’t forget to check out the Get Your Marriage On Program — including our coaching community and 30-day free trial.
Mentioned in the episode:
Get Your Marriage On Dirty Talk Guide (From Awkward to Arousing: A Guide to “Dirty Talk” for Christians)
Episode #91: How to Talk Dirty Without Feeling Dirty or Awkward
SPECIAL OPPORTUNITY: Someone cancelled and now we have a spot open for you at our previously sold out spring retreat! Grab it now before it’s gone!
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Dan: Hello my friends.
We have another bonus episode where we do more q and a today. I love these great questions. We’re gonna talk about anal play. We’re gonna talk about. How to have difficult conversations. We’re gonna talk about masturbation. We’re gonna talk about what to do when you just feel like no matter how hard you try, you just don’t [00:01:00] feel like you’re ever gonna be good enough for your husband or your wife sexually.
These are all great, very salient questions I think a lot of us deal with. So without further ado, let’s get into it. Actually real quick, before we do. I wanna tell you about our, get your Marriage on Cruise that we have coming up in October. We set sail, October 4th. It’s a seven day cruise in the Western Caribbean.
This is a vacation for you and your spouse, and you get to spend time with me and my team and do a deep dive on improving sex in your relationship and also just to have a really good time. It’s gonna be a blast. You’ll find those details on our website. And hurry, because we only have a few spots left.
All right. Without further ado, let’s jump into these questions. All right. My first question is a couple considering anal play during foreplay, and this is what, the husband says in foreplay. The other day, my wife asked me if I ever thought about placing something in my anus while making love. I admitted I’m interested. And curious, but [00:02:00] cautious. She seems to be interested too, but unsure.
As a side note, after reading numerous Christian books on sexuality, which pointed out some really salient problems about anal sex and considering hygienic issues, in addition to a bad experience my wife had in her previous marriage, we have decided not to engage in anal sex to this point in our marriage.
That being said, I ventured into Amazon for a bit and I’m unsure what to buy or even where to start. If we do start, what’s your advice? Great question. You could begin like super low tech with a latex glove and lots of lube just to experiment with a sensation. For some couples, annual play can be really bonding for them because think about how relaxed you need to be in order to find that act comfortable.
And then to push yourself enough to be relaxed and open enough with your spouse can be a really intimate thing you do together. Some people really like the idea of something in their anus, like a butt plug, even if it’s just for a short moment, because during sex, it makes things feel a little more [00:03:00] full.
It increases the intensity of the stimulation For men, the prostate stimulation, while aroused feels really good for women, a butt plug can add the stimulation to the clitoris from the backside giving way to new sensations and more intense orgasms. Of course you can try it, and if you don’t like it, you can just throw it away and not do it again.
I think most important though for you is sex is about trust, exploring intimacy and playing together. And if there’s interest, this can add some new novelty or new dimensions to your marriage. And if you’re disgusted by the idea, don’t worry. There are almost an infinite number of other ways you can add novelty and creativity to the way you make love.
Now, when it comes to butt plugs, I would trust a site like Mary Dance or Romantic Blessings. They would have a curated set of, products that they find work well. You’re not gonna have such an infinite number of variety on Amazon. They’re gonna be a little more curated on these other sites, and oftentimes they’ll include a helpful blog post or, some [00:04:00] information on how to make this feel more pleasurable.
And if you’re also interested, the Intimately US app does have an article in the Learn section about anal play. And, anal sex in something like a butt plug could actually enhance and make things kind of fun and interesting. So, you can try that and, see how it works for your marriage and then decide what to do next.
The next question is related. This is, what the person says. Is anal sex between a man and his wife considered a sin. She enjoys it, but sometimes feels dirty afterwards. Now your question, if it’s about the morality of anal sex, perhaps getting opinions of people from the internet isn’t your most reliable source for determining moral questions.
I’m sure you’ll come across many opinions from others, sometimes even contradictory opinions. I believe the best source for questions like this, you know about what’s moral, what’s okay or not okay, is found from your own soul searching. Experimenting and seeing what the fruit of it is. You can pray for [00:05:00] God for confirmation about your decisions and ask for his guidance for what’s right for your marriage.
You’ll hear some people think that it’s wrong and quote things about its sodomy or some other horrific things and how sinful it is. On the other hand, you’re gonna hear some people. share their experiences, how amazing it is because of the pleasure and the sensation it brings to sexual engagement and highly pleasurable sex leads to a greater, stronger bond between a husband and wife.
So you can get both sides of the equation here. And remember, some people, men and women, can even orgasm from anal stimulation alone. And maybe for your wife, at least psychologically speaking, being naughty is fuel for healthy passion and sex, and can add more fun, variety and longevity to your sexual relationship.
For matters about morality though, seek the spirit of the Lord while you study it out and discuss it as a couple. In general, I believe most couples are living beneath their privileges. Sexually speaking, [00:06:00] I think the boundary is clear. Sexual relations are between a husband and a wife. But that’s a pretty wide boundary with lots of blank canvas to explore.
I think more couples could be enjoying their sex lives, which in turn strengthens their marriage if it would just give themselves permission to experiment and try little things to discover what they like and don’t like. Now, this principle needs to be balanced, of course, with love, care, compassion, investment, listening, collaboration, and never about ego manipulation, being degrading or coercion.
Ultimately, I believe certain sex acts, toys, and so on, they’re neutral. They’re neither good nor bad. Rather, it’s what you create with it. It shows what you do with the marriage. It’s like money, right? Is money good or bad? It depends on how you spend it
so you need to look to the fruit of what it creates in your marriage to determine if that source is good or bad. This reminds me of Jesus’s teaching in the Sermon on the Mount about knowing the tree [00:07:00] if it’s good or bad by the fruit it produces.
All right. This next question says this. I’ve titled this help. I’m a wife that has a non-existent sex drive. This is what she says, I really need help. My sex drive is almost completely non-existent, and I’ve just realized my husband and I have only had sex 13 times this year. I’ve read everything, books, mindfulness counseling, vitamins, even faking it till I make it to see if desire would follow, and nothing seems to help.
I feel guilty and frustrated, and I’m starting to resent my husband, which only makes it worse. We’ve been married nearly 13 years, and this has always been our struggle. It breaks my heart because our marriage is amazing in every other way, but when it comes to sex, I feel discouraged and cheated.
Something that’s supposed to be beautiful has just become a source of pain in our relationship. I am so sorry you’re in this situation. Sexual desire is very complex. It’s. As if our sexual selves are like a rowdy 3-year-old sometimes, right? [00:08:00] It doesn’t have a large vocabulary, but it knows how to say no.
A lot of the advice on the internet will tell you to go get your hormones checked, and I think there is value to that. sometimes we need to make sure the physical layer is good before exploring the spiritual and the psychological layer also. I don’t disagree that a health exam might be important to you, but hormones alone aren’t always a solution to more sex.
You can’t just take a pill that solves your sexual desire issues. And if it were that easy, I would be a billionaire and invent that pill. but it’s not reality.
What I find is there’s just as much help that can be done on the mental and spiritual level as there is on the physical level as well. Besides I’m coming to you as a marriage and intimacy coach and counselor, not as a pharmaceutical chemist or a medical doctor. When it comes to human sexuality, hormones definitely do play a part.
We’re not like dogs or other [00:09:00] animals that copulate given the opportunity. I highly doubt women who are ho Orly healthy are driven to hump the UPS driver because he just showed up at the right time, right? There’s definitely a part of us that inhibits sexual activity in the wrong context, so it’s not all about hormones.
So I do know of a few aphrodisiacs, so to speak, that do work. The first aphrodisiac is learning to like yourself. When you like who you are and feel better about yourself. You’re more willing to be intimate with another person. This is akin to the second great commandment to love your neighbor as yourself.
One interpretation I’d like is that you can’t love another person. Beyond your capacity to love yourself. Learning how to be happy with your own gifts, to accept yourself flaws and virtues and all is a foundation for being able to really love another person. And perhaps you might be more sexually interested as well.
Once you’ve learned to like and accept yourself, that is a [00:10:00] possibility. Another thing to consider is your mindset around sex. I’ve coached so many couples where for her sex is about a duty to perform for her husband. She may not think about sex in those words, but like that inner 3-year-old, your sexual self rebels and kills desire.
If it’s told to do a job, passion goes out the window. The moment sex feels like work and not play. If you have that mindset that sex is about pleasing him, or you make your low frequency as a scorecard to how you’re measuring up as a wife, guess what? Your desire is definitely gonna vanish. You might get yourself physically undressed, but you’ll have a hard time being emotionally undressed and passionate between the sheets.
I think a better approach is to learn to love arousal. For arousal’s sake, can you just sit back and enjoy pleasurable touch? Can you look your husband in the eyes for an extended period of time and feel the intimacy of that type of a connection? Can you hug for a long period of time, like more than four Mississippi, right?
And allow yourself to calm [00:11:00] down enough in his embrace to really feel yourself relax in his arms. On this podcast, I talk a lot about responsive and spontaneous desire patterns. This seems to resonate well with people and realizing that because their sexual desire doesn’t have to look like Hollywood’s version, they’re not broken.
A responsive desire just means your sexual interest comes after you’ve experienced some sexual stimulation in the context that you find enjoyable. It is true that on the whole more women experience responsive desire than they do spontaneous desire most of the time. But just because one person isn’t responsive doesn’t mean they’re not responsible for their part.
Truly responsible, responsive women know how to mobilize themselves towards arousal, trusting that most of the time sexual desire will show up. Now in your comment, you said that you’ve tried that, you tried to fake it till you make it, and it still just doesn’t show up.
I recommend in this situation, you really step back and figure out what you can do, where you feel turned on. This might be a journey [00:12:00] you go on to really explore what is it where you find some sexual interest or turn on. Also, I highly recommend you apply for Get Your Marriage on Coaching Program because it’s the perfect blend of expert coaching and it’s done privately, one-on-one.
We also have small groups for men’s and women’s where you can learn from your peers. Also, we also have an in-depth course that talks about this in our program, and you can join a community of hundreds of other couples that are experiencing growth breakthroughs, you know, on the same journey as you are, so you can learn from others on how to develop that intimate and passionate marriage that you’re after.
You’ll find these details on our website at Get Your Marriage on.com, and for a limited time, you can sign up for 30 days free just to try it out.
All right, here’s the next question. It’s coming from a husband who says, I only masturbate when my wife is not available, but why would my wife masturbate when I am available? She still masturbates when I’m willing and eager to have sex with her. Why is that? This is a great question [00:13:00] and highlights how extremely complex human sexuality is.
And also the relationship factor and other layers that are all part of human sexuality makes it really complex and fascinating and actually really fun to learn more about. Right. When you say you masturbate, when she’s not available, it tells me your motivation for masturbation is framed as like second place to partnered sex.
Meaning masturbation is your last resort. In other words, you’re using masturbation as a way to feel somewhat sexual in place of an intimate and sexual experience with your wife.
The motivation around masturbation varies so much from person to person. Sometimes some people masturbate out of anger towards their partner. It’s a way of them letting them know that you’re doing it and you wish they were available and they’re not. So hopefully by taking matters into your own hands.
It will, uh, motivate your spouse, guilt your spouse, and to be more receptive to your initiation. I think that might be a common motivation for many people, and there’s [00:14:00] nothing wrong with you or your marriage or sexual relationship. There’s nothing pathological here. I’m just pointing out how common different motivations are for masturbation.
I’m assuming by your question that your wife sometimes masturbates. But it bothers you to know that she’s doing so when partnered sex is an option for her. I’m guessing that your wife sees her use of masturbation differently. If she does masturbate, it’s probably four different reasons or motivations than you would from studies.
I’ve read many women that masturbate don’t do it because their partner isn’t available per se, but they do it because it feels good. They value pleasure, and gives them a sense of selfhood amidst the chaos of serving others all day. Or they use masturbation as a way to get excited for something more intimate later on.
In other words, the motivation isn’t always about partner replacement, but enhancing their intimate sexual experience and asserting their selfhood and enjoying sensuality. along the way. Now of course, there are other motivations for masturbation. Sometimes it feels easier just to get [00:15:00] yourself off, you know, like take matters in your own hands.
Then the reality that real intimate relationships, you know, living with another person takes effort. It’s hard to live with someone that thinks differently than you do, has different preferences, wishes, goals, and so on. And on top of that, to learn how to be intimate with them in the full sense of the word often requires a lot of personal growth.
So sometimes it’s easier just to give yourself a somewhat sexual experience without the intimacy of it. But long-term, I don’t think you’re gonna be very happy because long-term joy in marriage comes from the growth that you both go through in learning how to live intimately, including sexually, intimately, now, that’s not the only motivations. Of course, others use masturbation as a way of actually connecting themselves to their spouse. It’s not done outta anger at all, but out of longing and desire for each other, and can be used to enhance the relationship and deepen intimacy, especially if it’s a shared experience and both people genuinely like the sexual energy that’s exchanged in it.
[00:16:00] So what does a conversation about this topic look like in your own marriage? Can you ask your wife what are her main motivations? What goes through her head? And just listen, listen, listen. See if you can learn something about her that you’ve never learned before, and maybe that will change your perspective.
Okay, next question. Husband teases me all day, but then falls asleep. This is from a wife. How do you handle the feeling of being disappointed and let down when your spouse has been flirting, teasing, kissing, touching your butt and boobs all day, and nothing happens that night, he’s too tired, he falls asleep, kids interrupt, and so on.
I’m struggling so much with that. I had such a hard time when I’m ready and turned on and then it doesn’t happen. So looking for any advice on how to handle that? First of all, thanks for your courage to sharing this. I wanna ask, is this an isolated incident or are you seeing this as a pattern between the two of you?
If it is a pattern, what do you think goes through his mind when he flirts with you? What do you track are his [00:17:00] motives? What do you gather from his falling asleep instead of engaging with you when night comes? Yes, I admit it’s hard for me to give a great answer here without going in depth more with you and getting more context to your relationship.
So I’m gonna make a lot of assumptions here. When my wife and I have days of mixed signals, it helps us to hash it out the next day. What did you mean by that? How come you didn’t follow through? My experience with you is that you were telling me. With your actions. They were anticipating it and I was anticipating it, but when you turn to sleep instead, I can’t help but feel a little toyed with or even let down.
Those are some examples of questions or conversation starters. Oftentimes, the conflicts we face in our marriage are masked as conflicts we have with our. These conflicts serves as beacons to where we need more development and growth, right? They’re shining a light on the area we need to work on. There are stepping stones, for example.
You might ask yourself, does your spouse’s behavior, although disappointing, tend to inflame or magnify out of [00:18:00] proportion? Other fears of insecurities within yourself? Are there things within yourself that you need to address but haven’t addressed yet? In my own marriage.
And I’m gonna admit that I’m not perfect at it. But I’ve had some experience with having honest and hard conversations, and part of the trick for me is learning how to calm the heck down. And to me that means learning how to quiet my inner self down enough. That I can stay present and be a, a humble listener, really wanting to know the reality of what’s going on.
Now, having this kind of an approach to hard conversation helps us get to the root of the issues quicker and we repair faster when we do have times of, a breach of trust or things don’t go as well as we’d like in other words, by learning how to have hard conversations, things don’t fester for so long.
Now like everyone else, we still have a way to go, but I think more honesty and truth are the building blocks for intimate marriage. So perhaps it’s time to have some [00:19:00] more difficult, honest conversations with your husband and see if you can get to the root of the issue better if this is a pattern you see in your relationship.
Okay. Next question. I titled this one, husband Doesn’t Want To Dirty Talk. This is what the wife said. What are your thoughts on Dirty Talk as a wife? I find dirty Talk to be extremely erotic. My husband struggles with it as he isn’t comfortable in what to say or how to use it during our sexy time. Even the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament includes Dirty Talk and I think it is totally fine to incorporate.
Is it something that my husband. Actually use or something that societal expectations has given me. Does that make sense? Yes, that makes sense. Dirty talk is definitely fun and erotic to some people, maybe most people, and difficult for others, and it’s not just men or women, by the way. People have different comfort levels and personality and upbringing.
all plays a role in this. My suggestion is to keep encouraging your husband to try. And if he’s open to it, maybe [00:20:00] you can, uh, help him out. Maybe you can write out a few lines or a dialogue and ask him to read it out loud to you. Or maybe role play a few lines he can use when you’re not like in the moment.
As for societal expectations, yes, I think it is a personal matter and choice. If he feels morally against it, he’s gonna have a bad experience, and that’s not gonna be erotic for both of you. So. I wouldn’t push him on that if he really is against it, but if it’s more that he’s just nervous or uncomfortable, doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t want to upset you.
Well, come on. Everyone’s gonna be nervous trying something new they haven’t done before. So maybe you can help set the expectations around it. Set ’em up for success, not failure. By the way, at Garrett Mary John, we have a great resource It’s a guide on our website. I’ll put a link to this, in the show notes.
Also, we have a great podcast episode on this very topic. It’s episode number 91. It’s how to Talk Dirty without feeling dirty or Awkward.
Okay. I love this [00:21:00] question. this is from a husband says wife doesn’t want me to make love to her. She wants me to f her. Now, I don’t use the F word on this podcast so you can substitute if you want. Good afternoon all. I’m looking into ways to sp things up in the bedroom. The wife has been saying that she doesn’t want me to make love to her, but she wants me to f her part of my language.
Any recommendations on ways to grant her wish. Okay. This is a good question and I’m making some assumptions because you’re asking me for ideas that you’ve probably, I’m, I’m guessing that you’ve probably talked to your wife first and her response wasn’t all that helpful. She wants you to come up with the ideas and just do her.
She doesn’t want to tell you what to do. She just wants you to just do her. A lot of men I work with in the coaching program and at my retreats are good, kind and considerate men. They’re nice and they’re wonderful, and they’re really in tune with their wives and their emotions, and they’re afraid to make a move that will upset them.
So sex looks like [00:22:00] you’re checking in with them all along the way to see if they’re okay and if they’re liking like. Do you like the way I’m kissing you? Do you like the way I’m touching you? And so on. All this, like, checking in with them, you know, might look considerate on the outside, but for the woman, it invites her caretaking energy that they feel like they need to keep reassuring their husband, that he’s a good lover.
And that is a burden that’s completely anti erotic for, for a lot of women. So your wife asking you to just ravage her and do her is an invitation for you to step into your full masculine self and thoroughly and completely enjoy her and unapologetically get aroused and fired up about giving her pleasure.
Of course this isn’t permission to do something non-consensual or cross a boundary or do a move that you know she’s not gonna like, ’cause that’s different.
F-ing your wife using your language in this case has much less to do about a list of things to spice things up, although I’m sure you know, we can help you with some [00:23:00] fresh ideas, but it’s more about adopting a persona of strength and dominance without being domineering. A friend said it this way, and forgive me for being a little crass, but I think gets the point across.
He says, screw on your big dick. I would add it’s not about chauvinism or cockiness or being rude either.
It’s about being confident in yourself and the full sexual energy you bring to your spouse because it’s good for your wife to feel the fullness of your masculine strength.
In fact, in this case, I think it’s actually quite loving to RAVs and do your wife because when you do it right, she knows that you know that she can handle your full masculine energy. It’s flattering to know that a man can express his full unapologetic desire for her and she’s equal to it. It’s also erotic for women not to have to manage her husband during sex and for.
Her just to be taken and to be enjoyed for who she is. So stop inviting her caretaking energy and just do her. That’s what she [00:24:00] wants.
Here’s the last question I’ll address today. This is from a wife. She No matter how hard I try, it’s not enough. This is what she says. I just wish he was satisfied with what I can provide as a wife. In frequency, I try for more than three times a week, but really sometimes mentally and physically, I just can’t.
He says he doesn’t feel wanted, which breaks my heart because I do want him and I do want to make him happy. But anytime I force myself to, it isn’t enough because he feels like I didn’t show I was trying enough, or the sex wasn’t good enough or I wasn’t good enough at making connection. So it didn’t fill his tank.
We have a great marriage, but can’t be on the same page with frequency.
I’ve done it all, counseling, prayer books, me meds, hormones, new lingerie, daily, mind renewal, and so on. I know I should try my best effort in pleasing him and being available, but I really feel like my best just isn’t enough. What do I do? Oh my dear friend. Your marriage dynamic is common. [00:25:00] You’ll never feel good enough as long as he is a arbiter of your value.
In other words, he’s setting the standard if your efforts are good enough or not, and that’s something outside of you, something outside your control, and you’ll always feel like you’re failing to a standard that’s outside of you. In fact, you might be the most amazing wife in the world. Be willing to try all the different things and still fall short, you know, so to speak.
If he’s the one setting the standard, ’cause he can always move the standard, he can always move that goalpost. And perhaps he’s doing the same thing to you. He’s looking to you to fill something within in him, such as filling his tank when ultimately it’s his responsibility to do that. So in other words, he’s looking to you to fill something in him or set some standard within himself like you are setting outside of him.
You’re doing it to each other. Couples, by the way, that have the most freedom and most satisfying sexual relationships. Get good at self validation. That is to give their best [00:26:00] and let their best just be enough for themselves. Relying on your spouse to get a sense for your value puts both of you in a position where sex is fine, but not fulfilling or replenishing.
This is the theme I talk about a lot. On this, get Your Marriage On Podcast. And it’s something that I’ve developed a specialty in in my, marriage coaching and counseling. If you’d like, help to go a little bit deeper, check out our Get Your Marriage On Program and for a limited time, you can try it for 30 days for free.
You get the course, you get access to coaching about eight times a month, and you get some, opportunities for other things like private coaching and. Community access, men’s and women’s groups and so on too. So this is perfect for couples who are in an otherwise happy marriage, but wish things were better when it came to sex and intimacy and this kind of dynamic where, you know, you feel like no matter how hard to try, it’s never gonna be good enough for him, is definitely something that we’ve helped many couples work through.
So [00:27:00] give it a try. Thank you for listening to this podcast. This is a passion project of mine. I really hope that through questions and answers like these. You’ll get to the heart of the matter in your relationship. It’s great to ask questions. If you have more questions to ask, you can check out our private Facebook group.
You can also go to our website and ask anonymous questions through there. And in parting, please share this podcast with all of your married friends. I promise they will. Thank you for life. And now it’s your turn to go get your marriage on.
