As a society, we tend to think of sex (especially married sex) in only one way: penetration in missionary position. Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with this set up, some couples find that just the missionary sex position isn’t able to give them everything they want out of sex.
Our Instagram audience agrees too. When I polled couples on how many sex positions are in their repertoire, 85% responded one to three positions.
Over 80% of the same couples reported wanting to try new sex positions with their spouse in the bedroom.
The problem comes when we feel too embarrassed or guilty about introducing new positions and ways of having sex with our spouse. In this post we are going to talk about 9 different sex positions and how they can potentially bless your marriage.
Why Try New Sex Positions?
Sex is about building intimacy and connection with your spouse. Sex comprises the physical pleasure experience, the spiritual connection of two souls meeting, and the emotional joining of two individuals into one unit. In that context, some may say new sex positions sound frivolous. But in reality, adding novelty (newness or freshness) to the sexual relationship can help couples in each of the following pursuits.
Each of our bodies are unique, and that includes our genitalia and sexual make-up. We are each physically built differently, with different body shapes, nerve sensitives, erotic areas, etc. It therefore makes sense that there isn’t one position that works for every couple! Exploring new positions with your spouse is a great way to discover your body and your spouses. What angles and types of sexual stimulation work for both of you? What ways can you feel pleasure? Where are you more or less sensitive? Understanding your unique body, and your spouse’s, is a big part of having continually deepening intimacy.
Our sexual relationship is also meant to help us grow as people. This means trying new things and learning to stretch yourself. Please note, I am not suggesting crossing boundaries or betraying moral values. I am suggesting learning together, which includes learning about sex, what it means, and what it can be for the two of you. Novelty leads to new experiences, which opens the door to new avenues of intimacy. Is there another level or way you can connect with each other? What about new things you can learn about each other? Developing intimacy is an ongoing process, requiring an openness to curiosity about your wonderful spouse and your sexual relationship.
Even if you discover a position or sexual experience you don’t particularly care for, simply having an awkward or silly experience together can create emotional intimacy. If your emotional joining is based solely on happy times together, we are missing the importance of diverse emotions. To be able to love and support our spouse, we need to experience all the emotions together. Happy, sad, angry, confused, passion, contentment, and yes, even embarrassment. Face the awkward together and prove to your spouse you are there for them throughout the whole range of emotional experiences, and not just the perfectly pleasurable.
Things to Consider
When it comes to trying new positions, a lot of couples feel like they don’t know where to begin. How do you bring it up? And what positions do you try? How do you get started?
We will do a deep dive into some different positions, how to do them, and what they might help with. But first, here are a few things to consider moving forward.
What Makes it Fun?
If you are a novice with sex positions, it can be hard to determine which of the 100+ sex positions available to try first. Here are a few things to consider that might help you decide which positions will be the most fun.
- Who wants physical control? In most positions, the person on top will have the most control of the situation (ie pace and intensity). So, on this particular night who wants control? Do you want to lay back and let your spouse shine, or are you wanting to treat them to an unforgettable experience?
- In the same vein, it can be fun to play with the power dynamics. Often, there is one person in the relationship who spends a lot of time making decisions and leading outside the bedroom. This could be with your family, or at work, or is just your personality. This person, paradoxically, may love to be told what to do in the bedroom. And those who are more quiet or reserved in life may like a chance to take charge and feel powerful. Use these positions to play with the idea of power in the relationship.
- Try out positions that allow for direct clitoral stimulation. In a 2018 study published in the journal, Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers showed that only about 21%-30% of women can orgasm from penetration alone. Most women require some sort of stimulation to their clitoris. This can come through manual or oral sex, or through a position that allows for the wife to grind her clitoris on her husband. Explore which way is best for your wife to orgasm!
We asked our Instagram followers what holds them back from trying new sex positions. Concerns ranged from worries about body size, awkward conversations, and if a new position might change the length of sex. Here are a few tips that can help address these concerns.
- Focus on connection, not performance. Although it is nice to both orgasm, and for sex to last a long time, the real goal is for you and your spouse to have an intimate experience together. There is a risk with trying something new that it might not work that well, but no matter what the outcome is you can meet the goal of more connection.
- One spouse will most likely want novelty more than the other; that’s normal! Don’t be anxious that your spouse wants more or less novelty than you. Normalize talking about what you want, sharing your fears, and working together to create more connecting moments.
Without further ado, here are just a few positions you can try! We have organized them into categories of what they are most helpful for, so consider them with your spouse and plan a time to start expanding your repertoire.
Cunnilingus (Oral Sex)
According to Dr. Ian Kerner, sex therapist and researcher and author of the book She Comes First, oral sex is one of the most popular and reliable ways to bring a woman to orgasm. If you need some pointers on how to do it, read our post on cunnilingus! Here are a few choice positions that can make cunnilingus amazing.
- Kivin technique: This is oral sex from the side. Have your wife lay on her back, and you lay perpendicular to her so your bodies make a T. Line up your head with her vulva and stimulate her clitoris with your tongue. This side to side motion can be really pleasing, and the position leads your hands free for other touches as well.
- Face sitting: husband lays on his back with his head near the headboard, with his wife kneeling above his face. This is an oral sex position that gives the wife control as she can move herself. This position can feel very powerful for women.
Here are a few positions that can add clitoral stimulation to a penetrative position.
- Cowgirl: This is penetration with the wife on top. She can grind her clitoris on the base of his penis/pelvic bone. This has less thrusting, so it is both more stimulating for the wife and less stimulating for the husband. This is a good way to make penetration last longer and to try and orgasm at the same time.
- Reverse Cowgirl: You can also do this position with the wife facing her husband’s feet. This might work better for your bodies!
- You can also try this position without penetration. Have your husband lay on his stomach, and use lube to glide around his back and rub your clitoris against his tailbone or back in just the right way.
Here are some positions that can help aid your intimacy. In these positions, it is easier to keep eye contact and really feel connected to each other.
- Scissors: As the wife, lie on your side so that one leg is on the bed and the other leg is right on top of it. Bend that leg up so your Husband has access to your vagina. Husband, scooch up close to your Wife and also lie on your side. Drape your top leg between her legs until you are able to penetrate her. You have the control here, but she can also take control by grabbing onto you and grinding. You can do this position without a big erection.
- Seated Amazon: Have your husband sit in a chair with no arms. Sit in his lap facing him. This position allows for a lot of closeness, but not a lot of thrusting. You can penetrate from this position, grind your clitoris, use a sex toy, or sit further back and use the tip of his penis to brush your clitoris.
Sometimes, you want to try a new position just to try it. These positions might be outside your comfort zone, or you might end up loving them!
- Stallion style: This is sometimes referred to as doggy style, but we prefer the name stallion as this pose can feel powerful! She gets on her hands and knees, and he penetrates from behind. She has the ability to change the angle of penetration to hit her g-spot, and the vagina often feels tighter on the penis. You can use a mirror in this position to see your spouse and stay connected.
- 69: This is a classic position so you can both do oral on each other. Some people love this, but others feel like multitasking when receiving and giving oral at the same time. Experiment with one spouse giving oral and the other lightly touching with their hands to keep their spouse connected, but focused on one person at a time.
Mixing Up Missionary
Although some may feel like missionary is just the “basic” position, there are a lot of benefits to it! Here are a few ways you can mix things up within a missionary position.
- When your husband has penetrated, ask him to slow it down so you can grind your clitoris on his pubic bone or base of his penis.
- Wrap your legs around your husband to feel closer and more connected.
- Use pillows under your butt to try a new angle for penetration.
Adding novelty to our sexual relationships can help us build more intimacy in our marriages. If you would like more suggestions, download the Intimately Us for access to over 100 sex positions! And listen to our podcast to find out how these positions can add to your marriage!
Shirazi T, Renfro KJ, Lloyd E, Wallen K. Women’s Experience of Orgasm During Intercourse: Question Semantics Affect Women’s Reports and Men’s Estimates of Orgasm Occurrence. Arch Sex Behav. 2018 Apr;47(3):605-613. doi: 10.1007/s10508-017-1102-6. Epub 2017 Oct 27. Erratum in: Arch Sex Behav. 2017 Nov 10;: PMID: 29079939.
Paget L., The Big O: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming, 2001 May
Written by Amanda Severson with Get Your Marriage On!
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