An Intimate Christmas: Twelve Days of Closeness, Connection, and Pleasure

by | Dec 4, 2021 | An Intimate Christmas

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Day 4: Talking About Sex

Isn’t it funny that we sometimes find it easier to have sex than to talk about sex? It feels vulnerable to share with your spouse what your experience is like making love. It can also be a very intimate move to be honest and open about your preferences, what your experience is like, and what your hopes are.

But if you never talk about the kind of sex you’re having, it’s hard to build a great sexual relationship.

We pick up much of the anxiety about talking about sex from the homes we grew up in. And then you bring that into your relationship by default. Early in our marriage we had a hard time talking about sex. In fact, I think we blushed if we said the word “sex” or other words with a sexual theme, so we used euphamisms like “intimacy” instead. (and for the uninitiated, intimacy and sex are different things! But more on that later.)

It can be especially difficult to talk about sex if certain sexual topics or themes are triggering to you. I hope to offer a few tips today to make talking about sex better.

  1. Be respectful & get curious. When your spouse opens up about their sexuality, we need to treat their feelings and thoughts with tenderness and the utmost respect. Just because they’re expressing their thoughts, feelings, wishes, and experiences doesn’t mean you have to adopt them or act on them right away. It can be a courageous way to love your spouse by opening up, and just as courageous to allow them the space to process and express their sexuality. If you feel uncomfortable about something they bring up, try really hard to get curious instead of defensive or judgmental. I think curiosity is the opposite of being judgmental in this instance. What about what they’re saying is important to them? Find out!
  2. Pay attention to the meanings you attach to sex. There’s “sex” as in the physical act which is always neutral, and then there’s “sex” as in what we interpret that act means to us. So why does this particular sexual behavior mean what it does to me? What does it represent? Does it remind me of someone? Does it feel disconnecting in some way? Or is it something else, such as it brings up fears I have about our marriage and relationship?
    By paying attention to the thoughts or meanings we attach to sex we will be able to more easily talk about it without judgment.
  3. Try conversation starters or a Yes / No / Maybe List. Some couples need a little help on where to start. The Intimately Us app has a section full of conversation starters to give you ideas of what to talk about. There’s also the Sexploration List, which gives you a list of ideas where you can each mark “Yes”, “No”, or “Maybe” to over a hundred intimacy and sexual themes and behaviors. The app will show you how you answered, and you can compare those notes.

Learning to talk about sex is a skill that gets easier the more you practice. Learning to be open, vulnerable, and listening without judgment is a stepping stone to developing a great sex life.

What other ideas and suggestions do you have to share about talking about sex? What helped you and your spouse talk more openly about your relationship? Let us know in the comments below!

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<h3>Dan Purcell</h3>

Dan Purcell

Dan and his wife Emily Purcell are the founders of Get Your Marriage On! They are on a mission to strengthen marriages by making lovemaking incredibly fun and deeply connecting. Dan is a sex coach. They are also the creators of the popular Intimately Us and Just Between Us apps that have been downloaded over 750,000 times. They are the host of the popular Get Your Marriage On! podcast with over 1 million listens. In addition to their coaching program, they host romantic retreat getaways for couples, and put on workshops on how to have a great sex life and deeper intimacy. Dan and Emily met in middle school and have been married for over 20 years and have 6 kids. Dan loves cracking dad jokes, running marathons, planning the next creative date night with his sweetheart, and enjoys the magnificent outdoors around their St George home.

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