Day 3: You, Me, and We (humility)
Welcome to Day 3 of the 12 Days of Intimacy! I admit I picked this topic for day 3 because I need it the most. And it’s likely something you won’t read in a Cosmo magazine 😉
Let me preface by saying that it’s normal to have conflict in marriage. Differing strengths, thinking, opinions, perspectives, and experiences are what make partnerships and societies great.
For instance, the founding fathers of our country had very different opinions about government, yet they were able to hash it out to create a more perfect union. I don’t think it’s an accident that our United States constitution starts with the word, “We”.
Like any ordinary couple in any ordinary marriage, we’ve experienced some “differing opinions” from time to time, some of which feel like a stalemate in a game of chess. What my spouse believes or chooses not to believe from my perspective can feel sad or hurtful. And the way I react in those moments, when I’m not my best self, causes her pain and sadness too. Sometimes it’s a vicious, downward spiral.
There are times that I am judgmental, thinking things like, “I can’t believe you think that way” or “If only you’d work on this idea as much as I have, you’d change your mind and see it my way.” When I’m at my worst, I start hitting those buttons — withdrawing, pouting, pressuring, manipulating — in the hopes of getting my way.
A friend of mine recently shared an experience about how he and his wife got along really well in all aspects of their marriage except around sex. He really wanted sex, and she… well, she really didn’t want sex. At all. It felt like a huge divide between them. He’d send her articles, podcasts, apps, etc., to try to change her mind. She felt like he wasn’t listening to her. The more he would persist, the stronger she’d resist. Each side felt like they needed to be right.
Things in their relationship turned a corner when they both set their egos aside and looked at their situation with all the humility they could muster. They took the time to really try to understand each other’s perspective. With egos aside, they found common goals (such as a strong marriage) and started looking at each other as part of a “We” instead of a “Me” vs “You”. From that place they were able to work together as an intimate team to create a marriage and a sex life they’re both very happy with!
A sense of “We” is potent sexy magic. Imagine what it’s like now to make love with someone that you know has your back. You’re now making love with someone that you feel like you’re creating a life worth living together. Someone that’s set aside their ego and is invested in your thriving just as much as they are invested in themselves.
How have you created a sense of “We” in your marriage? What are some times you’ve set aside your egos to build a more perfect union between the two of you? Let me know in the comments below!