Demystifying the Two Libido Types

by | Jan 15, 2025 | General Posts

If there’s one thing I wish I’d learned earlier in my marriage, it’s this: my wife and I don’t experience sexual desire in the same way—and that’s completely okay. In fact, it’s completely normal.

Let me set the stage with a quick story. Imagine I walk into our bedroom just as my stunning wife steps out of the shower. My body practically does a standing ovation, fully charged with a spontaneous “let’s go!” body language.

But when the tables are turned and I’m the one stepping out of the shower, it’s… crickets on her end. And listen, I’m no slouch! Pretty fit, not bad-looking if I do say so myself. 😉

For years, we puzzled over this difference. Were we broken? Did it mean something was off in our relationship? Why was I so easily turned on by simple things yet she wasn’t turned on by the same things?

Why was it that after a deep conversation where I gave her my full attention without any demand, after a relaxing massage or deep kissing, or her seeing me joyfully play with our children, she got turned on when if she did the same things in front of me, they didn’t necessarily turn me on?

Turns out we weren’t broken at all. This isn’t a sign of trouble—it’s just how sexual desire works for different people.

Meet Spontaneous and Responsive Desire

Spontaneous desire (that’s me in the above scenario) ignites fast, often from a glance, a thought, or a simple cue. It follows the “Hollywood” formula: desire comes first, and arousal follows.

Responsive desire, on the other hand, takes its time. It doesn’t show up until something arousing is already happening—maybe a kiss, a touch, or a romantic moment. Arousal leads the way, waking up desire along the journey.

Here’s the beautiful part: neither style is better or worse, and neither person is broken for having one style over the other. In fact, many long-term relationships thrive because of these differences, not despite them.

The key? Understanding and embracing these dynamics together. When you know what works for your partner, you can meet them where they are. You can create moments that spark their style of desire, building intimacy in a way that feels natural and fulfilling for you both.

So, if you’ve ever wondered why you and your spouse don’t get “turned on” the same way, relax. You’re not alone—and you’re definitely not broken. With a little curiosity and communication, you can turn these differences into one of the greatest strengths in your relationship.

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<h3>Dan Purcell</h3>

Dan Purcell

Dan and his wife Emily Purcell are the founders of Get Your Marriage On! They are on a mission to strengthen marriages by making lovemaking incredibly fun and deeply connecting. Dan is a sex coach. They are also the creators of the popular Intimately Us and Just Between Us apps that have been downloaded over 750,000 times. They are the host of the popular Get Your Marriage On! podcast with over 1 million listens. In addition to their coaching program, they host romantic retreat getaways for couples, and put on workshops on how to have a great sex life and deeper intimacy. Dan and Emily met in middle school and have been married for over 20 years and have 6 kids. Dan loves cracking dad jokes, running marathons, planning the next creative date night with his sweetheart, and enjoys the magnificent outdoors around their St George home.

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