Ever feel like you wish your spouse was a little less vanilla? Ever wish your spouse would be more enthusiastic about trying new or exciting things in bed (or out of bed for that matter)? Ever ask your spouse what their fantasies are, and all you get is a blank stare or at best a response like, “I have no idea?” Ever get frustrated when after a discussion about your sex life things get better for a week or so and then things fizzle and go back to the way things used to be? We will discuss how to deal with these feelings and how to move forward in this article.

Inquiring Husband
A husband recently sent me this email. With his permission I want to share it with you:
My wife and I have been together for 6 years and we have 3 young kids. We started listening to your podcast a lot for the last month. The Reason being that I expressed to her that I wasn’t happy with our sex life, intimacy towards one another in and out of the bedroom, lack of openness, and the lack of excitement in our lives together. She agreed with what I was communicating with her, and she has been committing to working on it a week at a time in little ways. Listening to your podcast is one of the steps.
She’s very, I guess I’ll call it vanilla or plain when it comes to our sex life. She gets uncomfortable talking about sex aloud with me (for example, discussing toys, or new positions). It’s to the point where it has made me uncomfortable to bring things up to her. I’m hesitant because I fear not being heard or cared about what I’m communicating.
She is trying to be more open to things I want to do with her. She is taking very small baby steps on this, which I appreciate. However, when I ask her things that she likes, what turns her on, or what she would like me to do sexually for her, she doesn’t have an answer and says she doesn’t know.
I want to be able to work on things for her in the bedroom as well as she is doing for me. I want the homework. Is there a way to help her dig into what is really a turn on and gets her going, or finds sexy and hot, or something she’d like me to do? I feel like being able to understand her that way as well is the other half of the battle but I don’t get any feedback from her. I really want to know her in that way more. Making sure she is taken care of and pleasured each time we’re intimate is my number one goal.
You have a good heart, and desiring a more intimate marriage, erotic lovemaking, and giving her pleasure is definitely commendable. Having the courage to express that you want something better for your marriage was also a great first step.

It’s Common to Have Differing Preferences in Marriage
It’s very common to be in a marriage where one person desires more novelty than the other. It’s also common for the spouse with more sexual desire to have a clearer idea of what his or her turn ons are than the spouse with lower desire. It makes sense because you think about it more. It’s something you value. But if your spouse doesn’t, it doesn’t automatically mean they’re broken and need to be fixed. There are more layers to unpack here.
\I want to invite you to look at this dynamic in an entirely different lens. This perspective might be different from what you’re used to listening to, advice such as, “Communicate your needs openly.” In this episode I want to answer this man’s question primarily by talking to those with the higher desire for sexual novelty. I’ll share a few ideas, and give you some practical suggestions. I’ll finish by offering a few suggestions for the lower desire spouse too.
First of all, I want to validate that desiring an intimate, honest, and joyful sexual relationship with your spouse is a worthy goal. Sex is such a powerful way for couples to bind themselves to each other, even on a biological, spiritual, and emotional level. Sexual desires that foster closeness, intimacy, and something to look forward to in the marriage is definitely a good recipe for sex worth having!
Trap of a Higher Desire Spouse: Thinking You’re Sexually Superior
However, there’s a common trap that those with a higher desire for sexual novelty fall into: It’s thinking that they’re somehow more evolved or sexually superior to their spouse. I know, because I am the higher desire spouse and I’ve fallen into this trap personally far too many times. I see it in my coaching practice too.
It’s a trap because you don’t see it as a trap. You see it as you know what’s good for the marriage. You’ve put your time and effort into researching and getting advice, maybe even listening to an amazing podcast like this one or downloaded a thoughtful intimacy app for couples. These are all good things.
Again, the trap isn’t wanting better sex, it’s thinking you’re sexually superior as if you know what good sex is and your spouse needs to catch up to your level. The reasoning makes sense though: because you figure you think about sex more, are interested in sex more, read up on it more, and generally have a wider range of interest in sexual novelty. Compared to your spouse, you don’t have as many “hang ups” and find certain sexual acts as exciting instead of disgusting.
On the other hand, your spouse seems to be anxious about sex. And this could be real, she does have anxieties about it: whether it be body image, the culture he or she grew up in, negative past experiences, or a general lack of a healthy sex education. You ask her (or him) what their interests are, and she (or he) responds with generalized answers, or tells you what you want to hear to get you to stop asking, responds with hesitation, or a lot of “I don’t knows”.
And then you hear about other couples who overcame hangups or used to not do XYZ but now do it all the time and love it. You begin to wish your spouse was more like those that put in the effort to make sex great.
The Problem is Self-Deception
The problem is there’s self-deception in this line of thinking. The mistake is you equate good sex with novelty, and because you want more novelty than your spouse, or because you’re more comfortable with sexuality, you are therefore the authority in your marriage as to what constitutes good sex in the marriage. You start seeing yourself as sexually superior to your spouse, and wish they’d catch up to your level.
And yes, good sex can include exciting new and novel aspects, of course, but the mistake is thinking that getting your spouse to somehow do these things with you because you know better is where the deception lies.
When it comes to building a sexual relationship, any time you and your spouse are no longer on equal grounds and start forming a hierarchy (meaning one thinks they’re superior to the other), the lifeblood of passion will go out the window.
Yes, your spouse might give in and do what you want them to do, but it’s not coming from a place of enthusiastic passion. It sets up a marriage pattern where your spouse works to earn your approval through sex, such as duty sex, which you accept and participate in that dynamic, but in the end is antithetical to passion and desire.

Are You Anxious About Sex?
You might not think of yourself as being superior or anxious about sex. You just want more creativity and novelty. To be completely clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more creativity and novelty and excitement in sex.
But ask yourself these questions:
- How do you behave when you don’t get what you want?
- Do you double down on being extra nice to your spouse, thinking you’ll earn it that way?
- Do you distance yourself from your spouse emotionally as a way of coping with the sense of loss?
- Do you accommodate your spouse, folding in to what he or she wants (or doesn’t want) pretending to be happy about it, but feeling resentful along the way?
- Or argue and pressure your spouse so that they’ll yield to what you want?
- Do you complain to your spouse about how they’re vanilla?
- Do you go online or to friends to get reinforcement that you’re right and somehow your spouse must be wrong about this?
- Do you spend more energy trying to solve your spouse’s side of the problem than your side – such as blaming the effects of purity culture, upbringing, and so on?
Each of these reactions indicate to me that you’re anxious about the novelty you’re not experiencing in your marriage. And trust me, I’ve done all of these before – I’m intimately familiar with these losing strategies!
Sexual anxiety is often a reason why a person is high desire for sex. The inability to handle the uncertainty of a sexual outcome (such as if your spouse will want to do X, Y, or Z with you) increases his or her desire for sex.
A Real Life Example
A few years ago, from a distance I witnessed an interaction with a couple. This couple came to an event to address their differences in sexual desire, which by the way, is just about every couple on the planet in a long term relationship!
As part of the event, each participant received a goody bag, and in the bag was a gift from a well known health and wellness company. It was a drink powder mix designed for women that they claim increases women’s libido.
In this case the husband had the higher libido, and he wanted his wife to drink the mix. She resisted. He complained to her that the #1 issue in their otherwise perfect marriage was her lack of libido, and here they are with a possible solution right in front of her, and she doesn’t even want to try it. In his mind, if only she’d drink the drink, she’d have an increase in libido, and be a lot happier in their marriage.
But why the resistance to drink the drink on the wife’s part? What do you suppose was going through her mind? Does she agree that the #1 issue in their marriage is her “lack” of libido or HIS insistence that her lower libido is the problem?
Sex is clearly a power struggle in her marriage. If she gives in and drinks the drink, is she tacitly agreeing that she’s wrong and her husband is right, losing the power struggle? So does refusing the drink help her claim her sense of dignity, autonomy, and independence, which is something we all really want? If she drinks the drink, and his anxiety will go down temporarily, but what about tomorrow? Is she now committed to managing his anxiousness about her low libido?
Do you see how the husband in this story doesn’t realize how anxious he is about sex and creates a disconnect with his wife in the process?
Low Libido Can Be a Sign of Good Judgment
Dr. David Schnarch, as well as many other sex researchers, coaches, and therapists, agree that low libido is often a sign of good judgment on the part of the lower desire partner. In other words, a plausible reason why your spouse might be “vanilla” could be good judgment on his or her part. It’s not about the sex act you want them to do with you. It’s about what meanings are attached to doing it with you, or what it costs them if they choose to do it.
As I teach in my Get Your Marriage On program, and discuss at our in-person couples retreats, the very best marriages are ones where it’s less about ego, or a power struggle around sex, but where both partners actually partner as equals and have a collaborative spirit about marital matters.
Our next marriage retreat is March 26 – 30 in beautiful and sunny Southern Utah. It’s a great opportunity for you and your spouse to get away for four days, to relax a little, enjoy some romance, have some fun, and do a deep dive into the intimacy in your marriage with the guidance of me and my fellow coaches. Sign up today. The details are on our website at getyourmarriageon.com.

What Meanings Do You Give Sex?
We humans don’t just “have sex,” we participate in a meaning. What kind of meanings in sex would you both collaboratively define as “good sex”? What about sex that sounds inviting? What kind of sex is sex worth wanting for you and your spouse? Let me give you a few ideas:
- What about sex where you feel like you can totally be yourself, where you don’t feel like you have to put on a production or be a certain way in order to make someone else happy?
- What about sex where it’s about enjoying each other, sharing pleasure, without a particular goal or specific outcome in order for it to “count” as having had sex?
- What about sex that’s highly erotic, super hot, and you get lost in the passion of the moment to where it feels as though time has stood still? You feel transported to someplace special that only you and your spouse go for a while?
- What about sex where you both feel really close to each other, loved deeply, cherished, and valued for who you are, deep inside? What about sex that’s so good it’s worth losing an hour of sleep over?
In my examples above, good sex isn’t defined by novelty alone. It’s defined by what meanings are created in the sexual experience.
Good sex doesn’t come easy to everyone all of the time. Anything of value in life takes effort. It’s because it requires you to settle down next to someone while undressed, which is a tall order. If you pay close attention, there’s some anxiousness in the sex you’re having. You can tell because you probably worry about what your spouse is thinking about you when having sex, or worried if something you hope to happen or avoid is going to happen this time or not.
Your ability to, as I say, “Calm the heck down,” really is a black belt sex tip. It’s because once you can be more mindful and open about the experience and really be open to your spouse, that’s when great things happen. It’s a lot easier to be naked, bodies tucked up inside each other, when they’re settled down and enjoying the moment with you.
What Are Your Top 3 Peak Sexual Experiences?
I want you to pause a moment and think about your top 3 peak sexual experiences. Go ahead. Think about your best sexual experiences you had with your spouse. Let me know when you’ve got it – and a smile has come across your face.
Let me ask you: did those peak sexual experiences begin from a place of trying to get somewhere or demanding novelty? Or from dragging your spouse up the mountain to where you think good sex ought to be?
I doubt it. I’m willing to bet that your best sexual experiences unfolded organically from a basecamp. You both found a place where you felt settled down together, and then the right moment unfolded before you. You weren’t trying to yank or push your spouse to do something.
The couples with great sex lives have learned how to master the art of getting to a sense of collaborative, open basecamp with their spouse. If you’re in a marriage with a vanilla spouse and you wish for more excitement, you’re going to have a much better chance of getting your spouse to hike up the mountain with you once you’ve settled in at a basecamp rather than yanking them up the mountain.
Finding your basecamp takes practice. My wife and I have a very normal marriage. I don’t claim to have everything worked out myself.
Sometimes You Need to “Un-Work” on Something
A while ago, Emily and I went on a getaway, just the two of us for the weekend. It was a perfect rest and reset. It allowed us to take a step back and stop trying to “work on” something in our marriage. Instead, we un-worked on “something,” didn’t “focus” on anything per se. We stopped trying to get the other person to share our point of view. In our tug-of-war, we both dropped the rope. We then quickly found our basecamp. It meant dropping expectations and fears of certain things not happening, which required a lot of “calming the heck down.” We just let things unfold organically, and unfold they did. We had a great time and we’re closer because of it!
Looking back I can see times when I’ve been indulgent in how I was approaching my wife about things. It’s indulgent because I know her weaknesses and how to exploit them to get what I want. Unfortunately she also knows my weaknesses and how to exploit them too, so our dynamic can turn into a power struggle. I can also see how I was pressuring her for more novel sexual experiences to solve my problem of the “fear of missing out.” or being too fixated on a particular outcome. I couldn’t clearly see that my fears and anxiety were feeding my desire for more sexual novelty at the time because I was so immersed in it. At this time, all it took was to step away from the “problem,” and the problem sort of took care of itself.
Find Your Basecamp
I encourage you to find your basecamp to let your sexual desires as a couple be an organic process. Sexual desire or interest in novel sexual activity isn’t something that can be produced or demanded. Sex hates being fabricated. Sex hates the burden of it being a measure of success or happiness with one’s spouse. Sex hates needing to look a certain way in order to be acceptable.
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, one of my mentors, once said this:
“Get good at calming down enough to be with your spouse and stop trying to get him or her to be something for you. You’ll quickly find more life and progress in your marriage than the false ambition of trying to get somewhere else.”
Your ability to settle down into your relationship is the measure of your maturity, not how comfortable you are with a wider range of novel sexual acts.
It’s then and only then when your spouse might progress by stepping into more novelty, but you don’t control his or her progress. Real progress is made when you stop making your spouse manage your anxieties and neediness about sex, and learn to truly be with and value your spouse.
Hearing this, you might say, “So my desires don’t count? You’re telling me I need to just settle and pretend to be happy with it? Won’t I get resentful?”
It will be resentful if you think this is a strategy to get you more novelty in sex. You’re trying to get something from someone by being a certain way. It’s a form of manipulation. It might look nice and calm on the outside but it’s not real progress because you’re focused on the other person’s decisions and behavior to dictate your internal state.

How to Measure Progress
Remember, “progress” isn’t defined by how much novelty you experience in your marriage, but by how well you can collaborate as a couple by finding your basecamp. Thinking you understand better than your spouse what progress looks like is the trap. If you want any chance of greater sexual adventure together, you’ll find it by settling down next to each other in your “basecamp” and let things organically unfold from there. That is not settling for less. That’s maturing together. This is because the marriage is then capable of more freedom from power struggle and that’s a very inviting meaning for your spouse to step into. It gives him or her the space to work out what he or she wants and desires.
Now, if by chance you’re the “vanilla” person in your marriage listening to this and seeking some practical help, I want to give you a few ideas to think about.
Sexual Growth Only Happens When it’s Something You WANT
First is sexual growth always happens best when it’s about something you want to do rather than something you feel like you have to do. In a previous podcast episode with Cami Hurst, she talked about a study involving mice solving a maze. One group of mice solved a maze with cheese at the end, while the second group of mice solved a maze in a desperate effort to save their lives as they were chased by a puppet owl through the maze. The scientists measured the mouse’s brain activity. Although the task was the same: solve the maze, the motivation was very different and activated very different regions of the brain. The part of the brain for problem solving and making connections was twice as active when it was about cheese rather than an owl.
A few ways to find more “cheese” in your desire to grow sexually can be to get a good book about sex, listen to this podcast, download the Intimately Us app and read through its Learn section, talk to friends who are willing to open up and share about what works well for their marriages, join our private Facebook group, or get coaching from those that share your values. My coaching program can definitely help you in this area.
What Meanings Are You Participating In?
If you sense your spouse seems to be really needy or anxious about sex or certain sexual acts, consider for a moment that you’re participating in creating a marriage with an anxious spouse. Dynamics in marriage are co-created. You have a part to play in your spouse’s anxious nature. Are there areas where you could make a more honest effort? Do you fear giving up control in the marriage if you were to be more mindful of your sexuality and honestly address what you need to address?
Some personality types are more open to new experiences than others. It could just be that you’re not the “try anything once” type, and that’s ok. One of my favorite movies is The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, where the main character lives a very predictable unexciting life until he’s thrust into solving a problem and realizes life is meant to be lived and experienced, even if it takes you out of your comfort zone. Sometimes finding inspiration to push yourself just a little bit outside of your comfort zone is where you find new joys, new experiences, and new things that breathe meaning and depth into your life.
You can also find that this pattern helps with parenting, finding new hobbies, and seeking better balance in life. Fearlessly taking yourself on and addressing things that matter to you can also help. Taking your concerns, fears, and hopes to the Lord in prayer can also be helpful, as you listen to his guidance and look for his guidance in the small things every day.

How to Overcome Hangups
If you have a specific hang-up that you’d like to get over, the best way is to expose yourself a little bit to that one thing that makes you uncomfortable until you’re settled with it. And then expose yourself a little more. For example, if you didn’t like tomatoes but you were motivated to like eating tomatoes more, you can start by touching a tomato. Smelling a tomato. Touching a tomato to your tongue. Taking a small bite. And so on, by progressively exposing yourself to more tomatoes over time. You might one day discover that you actually like tomatoes in certain situations, or at least tolerate them better. This process requires you to push yourself and commit to growing yourself up, which doesn’t always come easy.
Most importantly of all, think about what kind of meanings of sex are appealing to you, and collaborate with your spouse to have more positive sexual encounters that leave you feeling more loved and pleasured.
If you’d like additional help in this area, please check out our Get Your Marriage On program or consider attending our in-person Couples Retreat!
Now go get your marriage on!