Take a moment to think about the evolution of your own sexual journey as a couple.
How far have you come in the last year? Or the last two years, or the last five years? Is what’s important to you today the same as what was important to you in the last two or five years?
I bet it’s different. It’s then reasonable to assume that what’s important to you today sexually could be different a year or five or even ten years from now. And this episode, you’ll get to hear this conversation I had with Amy and Greg Langford, where we talk about the five phases of a sexual relationship. See which phase you find yourself in today and learn what’s ahead for you.
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Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
#224: The 5 Phases of Sexuality
Dan: [00:00:00] so when you come together, it’s like, This is all of me and I’m bringing all of me, all the good, all the bad, everything. I’m bringing all of me to, to you, to us to create something great together.
Take a moment to think about the evolution of your own sexual journey as a couple. How far have you come in the last year, by the way, or the last two years or the last five years is what’s important to you today? The same things that were important to you in the last two or five years? I bet they’re different. It’s then reasonable to assume that what’s important to you today. Uh, sexually could be different a year or five or even 10 years from now. And this episode, you’ll get to hear this conversation I had with Amy and Greg Langford, where we talk about the five phases of a sexual relationship. See which phase you find yourself in today and learn what’s ahead for you. My guest, Amy Langford interviewed me on her new podcast called undressing intimacy. It shares many of the same [00:01:00] things we discuss on this podcast. Amy works with me at my in-person couples retreats, such as the one coming up in March, which I hope you’re coming to. And also in my signature program, the get your marriage on program, which a lot of couples do online. This program is great for individuals or couples that are ready to take their marriage to the next level.
Dan: It’s essentially the online version of what we teach at our in-person retreats, but a little bit more in depth. The program is built on principles of action and implementation, not just head knowledge, because we all know that action is sexy. Right. And many of the nearly 300 individuals that have been through the program are experiencing real differences for good in their marriage. Valentine’s day.
This year is on a Friday, Friday, February 14th. This year, we want to do something we’ve never done before. Celebrate it with you with a romantic and sexy virtual retreat. How it works is that you and your sweetheart can join [00:02:00] us from a cozy hotel or from home where we’ll teach you and guide you through a sexual practice.
That’s fun and deeply connecting over three sessions on Friday and Saturday. Join us live or catch the recordings afterwards. More details are on our website, under retreats and then virtual retreat,
or check out the link in the show notes below.
Amy and Greg: Hello. Welcome to this next episode, episode number 11 of undressing intimacy. And today we have a special guest that we’re super excited for. And I wanted to take a minute and introduce this guest because I get to work with him quite often. , Dan Purcell owns Get your marriage on and runs the next level program, which is a program to help couples uplevel and thrive in their marriage and intimacy.
He also has a fabulous podcast called get your marriage on great resources, guests, information, all sorts of things, [00:03:00] and an amazing website to refer to as well as. Two apps, which we talk about all the time, just between us, a private texting app for couples and intimately us, another app for couples with so many resources on it.
Not only this, but we love Dan’s family. Yes. Time to spend with him. He has a lovely wife, Emily, Emily, And six kiddos. That’s right.
Dan: everyone.
Amy and Greg: think the world of.
Dan: I’m
Amy and Greg: get to work with him in his next level program helping, , couples in their marriage.
, we also work together on retreats. And we get to bring couples in and Dan hosts amazing retreats, which. Right now, Dan, there is a retreat for sale, is there not?
Dan: There he is, it’s in March, and we’re pulling out all the stops. This is going to be, for sure, by far, the best retreat we’ve ever done. adding an extra night, we’re just getting [00:04:00] better and better, it’s just, there’s so much value that’s going to be offered there. I hope everyone listening to this seriously considers coming if your circumstances allow.
Amy and Greg: Yes, on getyourmarriageon. com. There’s a button on the website for retreat. You can click on that, find all the details. It’s the last weekend in March. And we have coaching, we have teaching, we have fun, we have food, we have beautiful accommodations. You’ll want to be there. It’s going to be amazing. And I even got relegated from the back of the classroom to the front last time.
So we might be able to see that too. Greg, he gets to help teach too. So that’s super fun. , our couples that have gone have really appreciated the learning, the connection, the activities, the experience. So encourage you to go check it out. Okay. But today we wanted to bring Dan on and talk about intimacy.
Shocking. So Dan has developed what he calls the life cycle of intimacy with five different [00:05:00] phases in this cycle. And we thought it would be awesome to bring him on and have this discussion with him about intimacy and these phases and this life cycle.
So Dan, thank you for coming today. We appreciate that. And, , let’s hear all about this. Thanks. Thanks.
Dan: Great, my pleasure. And if I can just take a moment and just say how much I absolutely love working with you, Amy and Greg. we talked about the retreat briefly, but you two are a powerhouse couple. It’s like a one two punch. It’s fantastic. But not just that. Amy, you’re fantastic. coach in the sense that you are very compassionate.
You care about others and you’re expert in the advice and guidance that you give the people that the hundreds of couples in our program that just benefit greatly from your wisdom. So a pleasure to be here and associate with you.
Amy and Greg: Thank you, Dan. I appreciate that. All right, let’s move into it. What is phase number one, Dan?
Dan: Great. number one is I call this the beginning. This is when [00:06:00] you’re, for example, newlywed, you’re in a new sexual relationship and everything is brand new. You’re figuring out where things go. You’re figuring out what works, what doesn’t work, , what things to say, what things not to say, , , how to apologize when things don’t go right.
Like all of those things are part of phase one. It’s a beautiful and wonderful phase. Now there’s some things in phase one that kind of gets you, it’s, it’s the creation phase. So everything’s like like jello in the beginning where you mix the packet in, you add the warm water and you’re whisking and things are kind of setting up and then you put it in the fridge. to really kind of have it gel. That’s like what’s going on in phase one. You start learning patterns. You start saying, I cannot bring this up because if I do, it upsets my spouse. This is where they say sex is made up of leftovers. And what they mean is like a Venn diagram of all things I are [00:07:00] interesting and gross and all the things she thinks is interesting and gross. And we participate in what the overlap is. So it’s discovering what the overlap of those two circles where they overlap. the creation phase when we figure out what is sex going to look like in our relationship.
Amy and Greg: I think as couples we bring in so many different perspectives, right? It’s our backgrounds, our families, our churches, wherever we come from with what we’ve learned and experienced into this. And so we’re bringing these into This relationship and really like mixing it up and see what comes out right? Mm
Dan: exactly. Right. me, in my marriage, I remember distinctly things were brand new to both of us
Amy and Greg: hmm. Mm hmm.
Dan: students. , in university at the time, and we attended a conference, and the speaker was talking about marriages, and he said a statement that really had an influence on our gelling of our jello, so to speak, and he said something [00:08:00] like, Anything that is unnatural does not belong in the sexual relationship, or something along those lines. he didn’t, he didn’t define what is natural or unnatural, so for us, it was left to our own interpretation. And my interpretation at that time was, well, Natural means missionary position in the dark for 10 minutes. So anything outside of that isn’t, isn’t good in the marriage. That’s what I had absorbed. And so, that became the way our marriage was. in the beginning our phase one of, Oh, cause anything outside of that is wrong. We don’t want to do what’s wrong. We want to do what’s right. So we’ll keep it within these really tight bounds and limits.
Amy and Greg: in that creation phase, you’re really, , influenced by outside sources and by outside. environments and maybe even your past, what you’re bringing in the stories, the narratives you have about yourself, your sexuality, what’s moral, what’s immoral. That’s a very, , [00:09:00] influential. Those are very influential in that phase.
It sounds like.
Dan: right. Yes. And, and you’re also heavily influenced by what your spouse thinks. Like for example, , my spouse might say, Hey, I want to try oral sex. I’m like, Oh, gross. No, I don’t think we should be doing that. She goes, yeah, me too. I agree. We shouldn’t be doing that either. Yeah. You know how you kind of,
Amy and Greg: Okay,
Dan: you kind of do that?
Like,
Amy and Greg: right. Just fold into him.
Dan: And I think that makes sense because you’re both like really sensitive to the other person things because you’re not so sure and if your spouse isn’t so sure. It’s hard for you to kind of stand on your own if you’re not sure. So
Amy and Greg: Right.
this is a really new area for a lot of people, right? When you start out in marriage, it’s not like newly married. You’ve been married to this person before. So all of this is new and unknown and undefined. And
a lot of. , variables coming into play all at once. [00:10:00] Now, all of us have spent some time in this area, so we know kind of what, , what to expect there.
And we’ve also seen this as we’ve coached and it’s been fun cause we’ve had at least one of these couples in our retreats for every retreat. And it’s been fun to see where they’re at. So what are some of the tips we can give couples in this phase right now that would help them the most?
What do you think, Dan?
Dan: Well for every phase it solves a problem and at the same time creates a new problem.
Amy and Greg: Hmm.
Dan: just recognize phase has its own good. It has its purpose. good that it’s doing is it’s establishing a sexual relationship and how it’s going to be in this, in this dynamic, in this intimate relationship. So that’s the good, but it also sets you up for the next phase, which we’ll get to talk about next. So the advice I would give them is, get a healthy sexual education best you can, whether it’s from good books, [00:11:00] podcasts, apps, retreats, people you trust, , a comprehensive healthy sex education will help you from the get go, give you a great advantage over peers that don’t have as comprehensive of a sex education. so that’s what I would say.
Amy and Greg: I think also, , enjoy it, right? This is an exciting time, right? And oftentimes we’re so nervous. Are we doing it right or wrong? Or is this how we’re supposed to be? Or, you know, does society tell us it’s supposed to look different or this is the exploratory time, right? This is we’re so nervous and doing it, but I would just say.
Don’t rush out of this because the next phase is going to come faster than you think. And we’ll talk about what that means here in a second, but enjoy yourselves, right? And if you’re in this phase, like, don’t, don’t rush out of it. Just enjoy it and be willing to learn and to grow and to explore.
Dan: Good
Amy and Greg: Okay, Dan, what’s the next phase?
Or maybe a lot[00:12:00]
Dan: kind of, you kind of create just a, like a schedule or a system and things kind of work or less on clockwork. Like you really know. what you can expect from your spouse and how things are going to go. This is also a phase for a lot of couples where they’ve taken on additional responsibilities usually.
Children might be in the picture now, there’s a job, there’s a mortgage, there’s other stresses in life that are urgent making sex kind of less of front and center like it would have been right at the beginning. It’s more in the background. And so oftentimes a common hallmark of a phase two marriage is, it’s just a lot of quickies with once in a while, something a little more gourmet partially
Amy and Greg: of vanilla or routine.
Dan: yes, yep, exactly.
Uh, cause there isn’t a lot of room to explore. It’s more like we’ve established this routine and it’s working for us. least to some degree, [00:13:00] and we’re able to kind of juggle all, everything else about a relationship that matters. This is also the sweatpants phase, as they say, in, in the relationship. You’re past the 18 months or so of the honeymoon bump, the novelty has worn off, and, , The opposites that you found so attractive in her spouse in the beginning now become irritants. So I really like that my spouse is so extroverted or so, , and a spontaneous all the time all of a sudden turns into how come they can’t like remember where they put the car keys and when are they going to give me attention, right?
Those things that, , drew us to them in the first place can kind of become irritants in this phase also. So it’s kind of like incorporating all of that and how it plays into the sexual relationship really defines this phase.
Amy and Greg: I think we easily go into this phase 2, right? Especially because the roles that we’ve been told that we have to [00:14:00] go do and all the things that come up that we are responsible for. And so it just naturally flows into this phase where we get into. A scheduled partnership instead of this more exciting, like let’s discover each other, phase we were in before this is where we meet a lot of couples in coaching.
They’re like, okay, we’re just stuck. We’re in the same routine all the time, doing the same thing, and it’s not fun anymore.
Dan: right
Amy and Greg: spark. There’s no aliveness. There’s no meaning. There’s no flirting or playing or dating. It’s just routine.
Dan: Exactly So phase two solves a problem and creates a problem at the same time and that’s the problem that creates It’s the I don’t want sameness. We’re in a rut. kind of sick and tired of this Yep, which propels you into phase three
Amy and Greg: Okay, tell us about phase three.
Dan: Phase three is when novelty becomes [00:15:00] really important again. is when you want to break out of the routine.
You actually want to try something else. It’s not that you’re ungrateful for what you had in phase two, but you realize you just can’t keep living life that way. , there’s some, you think there’s something more for you? So we often look for novelty in our sexual experiences to kind of us out of phase two. , and this is the phase I was in personally when I started my work seven years ago. I was phase two and really looking for something more. And so, anything ideas or exciting adventurous things that will add spark and excitement to an otherwise routine bedroom routine really drew me in really appealed to me because I’m really seeking those things thinking that will solve the problems that we’re having in phase two.
Amy and Greg: I have a question. What about a lot of the [00:16:00] couples that we see, there might be one spouse in phase two of maintenance and feeling like even that maintenance is more than they can handle. Manage and another leaning into phase three wanting the novelty and more spark and more aliveness and then now you’ve got this discrepancy.
Dan: Yeah, I would think to a degree they’re both wanting something different than what they have. the way they’re going about it is different. And once we understand in that lens, I think it makes more sense because, for the spouse that is in the routine, that’s all I can handle. she probably, stereotypes here because About 70 percent of the couples we work with, he’s the higher desire spouse.
She’s a lower desire spouse here. She might be more like, would really like something to just kind of me a sense of freedom. I don’t want to feel like I’m obligated and that I have to keep [00:17:00] doing this. She’s, she might be sick of the, phase two problems two, but her way of solving it would look very differently than probably his way of trying to solve it. His way, could be like, no, we need to try, different sexual behaviors. We need to try different positions. We need to
Amy and Greg: Different toys, different.
Dan: right. , what they’re really after is, I want to break out of the routine, I want something that feels different.
Amy and Greg: Mm hmm.
Dan: other person, , they don’t like the old meanings either
Amy and Greg: she probably wants more emotional , novelty, and he probably wants more physical novelty.
Dan: a couple I’ve worked with in the past. She, really likes the routine in, in that it means she doesn’t have to participate too much in the relationship. Husband says, I really want something more here. Can we try different positions, toys, [00:18:00] something new? to her, it’s a threat, but she’s unhappy also that she doesn’t. the sex they’re having. She doesn’t like, that it means so much to him and not as much to her. He, she doesn’t like that he gets pouty when it doesn’t happen.
So their, their routine has really revolved d around managing him and his mood and his moodiness through sex. now that he wants more, she feels like it’s taking away more from her, but what she really wants
Amy and Greg: a man,
Dan: She wants
Amy and Greg: not a child.
Dan: intimacy. She wants
Amy and Greg: Yes.
Dan: that will treat her like a queen.
Amy and Greg: She wants more depth, more emotional intimacy, more knowing not to have to take care of their managed childish behaviors. Yeah. And I, and I think, I think the root of all this on both sides is connection, right? And it’s the way we go about it is completely different, but ultimately it’s both like she’s [00:19:00] looking for that emotional connection of just being desired and wanted and, , you know, taking care of in some ways in a sexual way.
Right. And he’s looking at the, I want to be chosen. Right. And I want to know that you want me and that I am desirable. And so I think in this phase, , as we get to the next one, we’re trying to break out of that and we do it in two completely different ways. But ultimately it’s the same problem we’re trying to solve.
Dan: Yeah, I have one more example of a phase three highlights what you just said really well, Greg. This is a wife. They’ve had kids, they’re done having kids, she’s ready for more. So she’s like, I’m, I’m kind of interested in having my husband tie me up. I want to try some light bondage. And she’s kind of sick and tired of her husband’s premature ejaculation. This is, we’ve lived with this for long enough. really unsatisfied. It’s really time that he addresses this. So, that’s like a hallmark of a phase three. It’s like, I [00:20:00] really want something new, something different here. Different than what we have, whether it’s more depth with emotions, or more, exciting sexually.
But, kind of sick of the old and I ready for something new
Amy and Greg: And so that takes you to,
Dan: phase four. So in phase four, the hallmark of phase four is it’s more about meaning seeking in sex intimacy I should say, you try the toys, you try the games, try the positions, which are all exciting and fun, but you find out they kind of have a short shelf life
Amy and Greg: yeah, they’re pretty empty. Right. Right.
Dan: right? you realize, yep, now it’s a phase you go through, so it’s not like they’re bad. And it’s not like you abandon novelty, because it definitely has its place. But you realize, what I’m really after something a lot more deep, something a lot more alive, [00:21:00] something that, , invites us to step into a different part of us. That’s just filled with so much more positive meaning that’s what you’re really after. It’s this closeness. It’s this is what we’re really after in it.
Amy and Greg: So not bondage, but a bond, huh?
Dan: Yeah, other kind of bondage. Yep.
Amy and Greg: I think that’s when the meanings of choosing and being chosen really start to surface and you start understanding what it means to choose And also to allow yourself to be chosen.
Dan: Right,
Amy and Greg: I like what you said, Dan, like it’s, , those things you’ll continue in the next phase, you know, all those novelty you’ll probably still play with, but as you understand the meeting, it’s kind of giving a richness to it and they mean something else because you have a foundation that’s different because you’re now putting, what does it mean to be connected?
What does it mean to have this? Physical relationship with another person. [00:22:00] What does it mean to give myself wholly and completely? Yeah to you right or to receive? What you give to me
Dan: There’s a couple, , that we’ve worked with in the past where, , they kind of went through phase two for a long time. Sex was kind of routine. And then, novelty became important. They were doing those things and they’re realizing there’s probably more for us. So they really started to address some of the things that got created in the marriage, all the way from phase one,
Amy and Greg: Mm
Dan: messages do we receive?
Why do we do the things we do? What things can we, it’s kind of like a deconstruction and reconstruction
Amy and Greg: hmm. Mm hmm.
Dan: more meaning in the relationship. And they, They’ve really pushed themselves to think about these things and what does it mean to you when I touch you in this way? What’s coming up for you? And, something that this couple realized too, became far less about something they do, it’s a [00:23:00] place they go. It’s a place we be together. It’s something that, it’s like a meaning we like participating in. so, is when they really realize we got to drop anything related to any sense of duty or obligation that interferes the want to create, which is a joyful place.
We want to step in together once you feel have to be sense of freedom in it and
Amy and Greg: Right
So, , you’re sharing, Dan reminded me of several clients, several different clients, and one of the spouses would have something like if my spouse did this, then I would feel and they’re thinking that this is usually something in novelty.
So they’re usually like in a phase. Two of maintenance and they’re thinking if my spouse just gave me oral or complimented me every day or did dot dot dot. I mean that the examples are endless. If my spouse just flirted with me more or texted me pictures or You [00:24:00] You know, did the thing, whatever the thing is, they think the novelty of that is what will make them feel connected.
And then they get that thing, whatever that thing is. And they’re like, Hey,
still don’t feel it. And that’s when I think they really start to understand that there has to be those deeper meanings that the thing. It’s neither good nor bad, right? Whether they flirt or do this or do that, but it, without the meanings connected, like the meanings of choosing or being chosen or loving or caring or, , being vulnerable or open, like, it, it doesn’t, The thing isn’t bad, but it doesn’t create what they think it’s going to.
Dan: Yeah.
Amy and Greg: I think the one thing we realize is that, , like you said, Dan, none of these phases are bad. Right. And it’s like the phases of emotional development. You can’t really skip around. I don’t think either. Right. Like you’re going to go from one to four right away. And so you need to appreciate where you’re at and know that that’s part of the learning process.
You know, the novelty gets you out of the schedule, which the schedule [00:25:00] got you out of, you know, got you to where you could actually. Be connected in some ways and do things. And so each of them are building on each other. So if you find yourself in one of the phases, you’re not broken. It’s not bad. It’s just where you’re at at that time.
And you may or may not be ready for the next one. Right. And I think each phase is moving you forward in some direction, adding another layer, another, , broadening or expanding in a capacity,
Dan: Yeah, and this is where you hear of couples that may go away for a weekend, and they just really had a great connecting bonding experience. And there might have been some novelty there. Maybe they went out, I don’t know, tried different cuisine than they usually do, or a new city, or maybe even together, they’re trying and experimenting new things. But it’s because They want to create a new meaning between them, like meanings become far more important at this phase than the doing.
Amy and Greg: right? I talk about this a lot of times [00:26:00] with my client, just helping them see the desire or the meaning below it is far more powerful than the action or the thing. Meaning like, if you are saying, I am choosing you and in choosing you, this is how I’m going to show up. That’s far more meaningful than just doing a thing to do a thing and check it off.
Well, we also talk about how, , you can do the exact same thing. In two different meanings and the outcome is very different, right? So if I want to have this new novelty and I’m going to Amy because I want to connect to her in this way and I say, Hey, let’s try this. And I really want to see what this does and have this connection.
That’s. One thing, if I go and ask for the exact same thing because I need it to validate who I am, and I’m like, I’m just looking for some excitement for the night and to be over with it, we could go through the exact same motions and exact same things will come out of it with a very different result.
And, and that’s again, ties back to that meaning frame, right? It’s tying the meaning behind it. What is your [00:27:00] intentions going into it? How are you asking? Are you thinking of the other person and the meaning that this could have with them?
Dan: Which then brings us to phase four. this is the surrender phase. And this is the phase where you can be, you can do and be done by the other spouse. unfortunately, in our English language. a very vulgar and crass word, but it’s the, it’s where you can F each other and be F’d completely and totally by each other. Thoroughly, , down to the
Amy and Greg: completely.
Dan: wholly, completely be with each other. It’s, it’s to becoming one, I think, in the most beautiful sense of that. There’s a story I read about an older couple. They’ve been married, I think, 40, 50 years. They’re both semi retired, so they both carry part time jobs. They work Monday through Thursday.
They’re done by work around noon on Thursday. come home. And they [00:28:00] prepare meals for the rest of the weekend that afternoon. So they’re in the kitchen cutting like pieces of cheese and meats and getting things ready for the weekend. And then the festivities begin. They are in the bedroom all weekend long.
And then Sunday night is when it all ends because they got to go back to work. Monday morning. That’s, I think, so beautiful. And they jokingly say, we used to have sex three times a week, but now we only have in but that one time lasts through Monday morning. So, yeah.
Amy and Greg: you know, during the week, you know, make it quick, whatever, blow my mind on the weekends. Right? So it’s like, it might be routine during the week, but when it comes to the weekends, we have a little more time. It’s interesting. We had this conversation just this last weekend.
We got away to Virginia and had some time together and we were just discussing why we think sometimes resetting and going away. We know it’s novelty to, , why it seems to be so different and so amazing. [00:29:00] I really think it’s the time, right? When you have the time to put into it and you’re not rushed to get out and do something else that you’re allowed just to let things happen as they happen, simmer when they need to simmer, get a little exciting when it needs to get exciting.
And it’s not just like, Oh, but it’s got 10 minutes. We better get what we can right now or 20 minutes or whatever it is. And so really, , when you get to that point of being able to just, , Give into it. It’s allowing that space to be filled with whatever comes, , with each other.
Dan: But this phase doesn’t happen quickly. Phase five requires a very high amount of self that you’re bringing to, each other. Like, think about, I don’t know, teenagers having sex for the first time. They can barely look each other in the eye in the act, and it’s over so quick, right? they can’t, there’s no like self. in the sex [00:30:00] they’re offering. he doesn’t even know who he is yet, she doesn’t, she is yet, so there’s no sharing of selves. Contrast that with something more in this phase five. you know very well who you are. You also know your limitations and your shortcomings, and also your strengths, but you’re at peace with it.
You’ve, you can surrender into that. And so when you come together, it’s like, This is all of me and I’m bringing all of me, all the good, all the bad, everything. I’m bringing all of me to, to you, to us to create something great together. So it’s, I think it requires a lot of development, a lot of maturity to get to phase five.
Amy and Greg: And I think that starting in almost phase two, maybe even back at phase one, you were learning about that development. You were learning about that. So if you were, are, Gaining a little bit in each phase, a little bit more self and even days [00:31:00] before of choosing to actually choose is a complete act of self, right?
I choose you and you can’t actually really choose unless you are fully yourself to make that choice.
Dan: Right. Right.
Amy and Greg: Let me throw something out here, Dan, since you are the creator of these phases, so I’m going to throw something and see what you think here. Okay.
Dan: All right.
Amy and Greg: I think much like, , differentiation where we have a skill of being enmeshed and we have a spell of being toxic independent and we try to stay in the middle as much as possible, I feel as we’re talking here that like I go through all these phases and I continue to go all these phrases.
Sometimes I meet with Amy and it’s just, , on schedule because that’s all the time we have. And sometimes I. Have meaning to it. And sometimes I get to really surrender, but it’s not every time. , as what do you think about that concept? Does that fit into this, , these, these phases?
Dan: Yeah, it works with my personal experience too. [00:32:00] Yeah. And I think that we’re talking about phases here just as a general idea go, Oh, example, most of those I speak with are in two into three. They’re sick of the old routine, they want something new, and that friction of moving from two to three is, , prompting them to be coached. they might be in three moving to four, and the friction cause there is prompting them to look for different answers, different, something a little more in depth, rather than a book of a hundred and one sex positions. They want
Amy and Greg: Right?
Dan: more meaningful and deep. So, it’s, ,, it’s these crossroads of these phases, I think, is helps explain what’s really going on inside of you and inside your relationship kind of as a map and a guide, but the terrain is going to be whatever it really is in reality in your life.
when they would have sex. It was, it’s a spiritual and emotional experience for him. It’s like, in the presence of a goddess, this is such an amazing, beautiful experience for [00:33:00] me. I, I feel, completely enthralled with her beauty. really like this does to me just for a time. It’s we between us. there’s no animosity between us. There’s no like irritants. I just feel completely, absolutely in love with you. And she’s like, that’s interesting. I just got a lot of physical pleasure out of it.
I don’t get that deep meaning that you do. And so like, I don’t feel that way. You know, the orgasm was nice. Thank you very much. But I don’t, I don’t, I don’t get that out of it. And, , And he’s like, well, when do you feel close to me? I think it’s like, like the other day, when you’re wrestling with our kids on the floor, I felt that way.
It’s like, what? Like, doesn’t make sense. Anyway, I, I, I [00:34:00] do each their own, like there are going to be some things that are going to be really meaningful to one person. In this current, whatever phase you are in that are going to look different for the other, and it doesn’t mean one is good and one is better.
One is better than the other, but coming to an being curious and really open minded and understanding. Oh, this is the way my spouse experiences. Me will really help you move through the phases a little bit faster rather than being critical or judgmental or offended that your spouse doesn’t share the same perspective or preferences as you do.
Amy and Greg: that’s always the key that we find in our coaching. Right. And again, we go back to trying to get people to be in a differentiated state. And that means being whole. unto yourself, but I’ll wanting and to be close to someone and care about that person so much that it’s close to you. And that means there’s tons of differences.
, we talked about how so many differences I had this wonderful, beautiful experience. , this weekend I was traveling back to meet Amy in Virginia, and I was going to fly out of [00:35:00] Ronald Reagan airport. And I needed to get an Uber and I got an Uber ride. And my friend that picked me up was this beautiful transgender.
Person and we had this beautiful conversation all the way down. It was an hour ride down to Reagan airport. And one of the things we talked about was she was talking about how we just can’t why can’t we just disagree, you know? Why can’t we just get along and it’s okay if we have different ideas And we really talked about on this matter for a while about how The difference in each other is so important.
How boring would life be if everything was flat? If you look at a painting and there was no different textures or contrast, it would be the most boring painting in the whole entire world. And yet we spend our whole lives trying to get everyone to agree with us and be exactly like us. But yet that’s the texture of life.
And I think that’s the same way in our marriages, our relationships is we spend so much time trying to get them to believe that They need to be like us or see things through our [00:36:00] lens. And we’re the right ones. And when we can back away from that and realize that the differences is what adds the textures and the beauty to our relationships, the interest and the contrast allows us to be free and really have that Aeros energy take over because we are so different.
, it really helps. And we spent a lot of time with our couples, , coaching them. No matter what phase they’re in, that’s kind of the seems to be the underlying thing that has to be taken care of first, right? Dan is like, we have to realize that we are two different people coming together, trying to have this relationship with is a singular thing, and that if we can be curious and wanting to understand what other ones coming for him as you speak and look at that as a whole.
Yeah. Plus, not a minus. It really helps paint that relationship in a different, , meaning frame. I
Dan: Uh
Amy and Greg: I do too. Thanks, babe.
so many couples who come and one of the first things they say is we’re so different. I’m like, bravo. That must mean you’re perfectly matched.[00:37:00]
I mean, we do generally pick our opposite. And so,
Dan: huh. And you generally don’t choose someone has a completely different value system than you do.
Amy and Greg: right. Just preferences or
Dan: express those values are going to be
Amy and Greg: Right. Tidy versus organized or, you know, planned versus free or. And there’s not to say that there’s some serious things if you have a major chasm between you that need to be taken care of, right? There’s not, we’re not saying that when we say this because there are some things that need to be addressed and we can help coach through those and understand and you can ask for people to grow in certain ways if that’s the case.
But in general, like. We’re different, right? There’s usually a higher desire, a lower desire. There’s usually someone that likes to go on walks and someone that doesn’t like to go on walks. You know, we have this differences and we often. Run from them. Let’s embrace them. Be curious about them and enjoy them.[00:38:00]
Mm hmm.
Dan: Great. Very good. Very good.
Amy and Greg: Well, Dan, it’s been such a pleasure Please let our audience know if they would like to get a hold of you and find out more about you How can they do that?
Dan: Great. The best place is my website. GetYourMarriageOn. com I also have an Instagram, GetYourMarriageOn. We have a private Facebook group that’s become really popular lately, so you can find us on Facebook at GetYourMarriageOn. , my apps, Intimately Us, as you mentioned, is free on the Apple App Store, Google Play Store.
That’s a great place to begin. And it really is an app designed for couples that want to add more spice and fun and excitement to the relationship and implements a lot of these phase one through five ideas that we’ve talked about. There’s something in there for every phase of the journey.
Amy and Greg: Mm hmm.
Dan: and I worked together in the get your marriage on program known as next level.
That’s where we work together with couples to improve sexual intimacy or [00:39:00] overall intimacy for that matter in their
Amy and Greg: Mm hmm Emotional mental physical all of them. Well, awesome. We really appreciate your time here
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