How to Stay Open When You’re Just Not Feeling It

by | Jan 22, 2025 | General Posts

Picture this: It’s a peaceful Saturday afternoon. The house is quiet, the kids are out with friends, and you and your spouse have just finished tidying up a few things. Suddenly, your partner looks at you with that twinkle in their eye and asks if you’re up for a little sexy play time.

But here’s the catch—you’re not even remotely thinking about sex. Your mind is on projects, errands, and a million other things. And while you don’t want to disappoint your spouse, you also feel a pang of hesitation. Sound familiar?

In that moment, they interpret your pause as rejection. They express frustration, saying sex only happens on your terms, when you’re ready—something that stings because, deep down, you know there’s some truth to it. But it’s not a control you want. It’s just the reality of being the partner with a lower or more responsive desire style.

These moments can feel like a tug-of-war: one person wanting connection and intimacy, the other needing time and space to even consider getting there. So how do you bridge that gap?

The Power of Asking “What Can I Say Yes To?”

Sometimes, the thought of saying yes to everything—full-on sex, right now—feels overwhelming. But instead of focusing on what feels like too much, shift your perspective to what feels possible.

Maybe you’re not ready to drop everything and dive into the bedroom, but what could you say yes to?

  • Completing a critical task together first to clear your mind?
  • A playful makeout session on the couch?
  • A back rub with a little teasing thrown in?
  • Setting a timer for 30 minutes to finish what you’re doing before committing fully?
  • Sharing a flirty moment that builds excitement for later?

When you ask, “What can I say yes to?” you’re meeting their bid for connection with openness, rather than shutting it down. It’s about leaning in without overextending yourself.

Connection is a Two-Way Street

For the higher-desire partner, genuinely accepting their “what they can say yes to” matters. This approach could be a pathway to intimacy without feeling entirely dismissed, as long as it’s genuine. For the lower-desire partner, it removes the pressure of all-or-nothing, making it easier to take a step toward connection.

The result? A shared experience that feels good for both of you. It might not look like the Hollywood fantasy, but it’s authentic, loving, and uniquely yours.

So next time you’re faced with a moment like this, pause and ask yourself: What can I say yes to? You might be surprised by where that yes leads.

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<h3>Dan Purcell</h3>

Dan Purcell

Dan and his wife Emily Purcell are the founders of Get Your Marriage On! They are on a mission to strengthen marriages by making lovemaking incredibly fun and deeply connecting. Dan is a sex coach. They are also the creators of the popular Intimately Us and Just Between Us apps that have been downloaded over 750,000 times. They are the host of the popular Get Your Marriage On! podcast with over 1 million listens. In addition to their coaching program, they host romantic retreat getaways for couples, and put on workshops on how to have a great sex life and deeper intimacy. Dan and Emily met in middle school and have been married for over 20 years and have 6 kids. Dan loves cracking dad jokes, running marathons, planning the next creative date night with his sweetheart, and enjoys the magnificent outdoors around their St George home.

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