Sex is Weird: Embracing the Awkward, Fetishes, Butt Stuff, and Building a Marriage for Two – Q&A

We have all had questions at one time or another about sensitive situations, especially around sex. But it’s sometimes hard to know who to ask. So, to help answer some of those questions you might have, we have a form for Anonymous Question and Answer under the Resources section on our website. I appreciate those that send in questions. They are really good questions!! Today I wanted to address a few of the questions that you’ve asked me over the past month.

Ready? Here we go.

I am a faithful Latter-day Saint woman and follower of Christ. I have a problem. I have a fetish for something that doesn’t hurt anyone, but is gross. I’ve had it as long as I can remember , no clue why. I love when my husband does it in bed, but I am so ashamed that I like this that it’s very rare I allow myself to be in the mood. I can’t imagine sex without my fetish. I feel it’s ok for me to have this fetish as long as I keep the shame. The shame makes me a good person … but it’s costing me. I can’t be the only one with this problem. What can I do?

I’m so glad you asked me this question! I’m sure many others listening to this podcast can relate to feeling ashamed for something they like done in bed.

I understand that you find value in feeling shame about this. But perhaps I can invite you to look at it a little differently?

A big aspect of intimacy is a willingness to share yourself, your whole, unapologetic raw imperfect self with another person that matters to you. In fact, the more willing you are to expose your mind and receive your spouse’s mind, the more capable of loving you become. 

It’s almost as if we have this innate loneliness that is cured when we really let someone else in.

What if your fetish may be gross in one context but the very thing that builds that bridge to closing the gap with your husband?

Let’s take french kissing as an example. As a kid, you’re probably like, “What!? You want to put your tongue in my mouth? Gross!” And for good reason, you don’t go around letting others put your tongue in your mouth. So when you actually do french kiss your special someone, it’s more meaningful because you’re sharing your “gross” with them. However, it’s not “gross” because in this context you’re sharing yourself and accepting them, and they accept you in that.

Some people have a fetish around their spouse farting during sex. Or anilingus (stimulating the area around the anus with your tongue). Gross in any other context, I know, but it’s not so much that they like the smell of their flatulence but they find the idea that their spouse is comfortable enough to not hide around them – that’s what they find alluring.

The same may go with why men find squirting so exciting. For some, squirting sounds gross – releasing lots of fluid all over their partner and the bed sounds a lot like wetting the bed, laying in the puddle, and pretending to enjoy it. Yet in a different context, that very act takes on new meaning. One possible meaning for a lot of husbands is that in order for a woman to be willing to squirt, she’s going to allow herself to be aroused, touched, and ultimately surrender and let go, to be carried away by the sensations and allow it to happen. It requires trust and confidence. For many women it’s not necessarily a more pleasurable orgasm than a non-squirting orgasm. But many men find it deeply meaningful for their wives to squirt because the thought that she would be willing to expose herself, to be raw and open like that is extremely intimate.

I don’t know the nature of your fetish, but I do encourage you to integrate it into the whole of who you are rather than pretending it’s not there. Appreciate it for its ability to turn you on, and in the right context, be a bridge that brings erotic excitement and closeness to your spouse.

If you’re curious about anal play or prostate stimulation, you’re in good company! I have had many good questions about this come through the anonymous Q&A. Let me address three of them.

I’ve seen a lot about prostate play/stimulation. It piqued my interest after hearing how intense the orgasm is. Is there a guide to starting this and possibly explaining the use of male vibrators? 

Yes, there is! In the free Intimately Us app, under the Learn section, there’s a category of in-depth How Tos. One of them is all about prostate massage. 

In summary, men can feel a lot of sexual pleasure from stimulating the prostate. The prostate gland sits inside at the root of the penis, and is responsible for creating much of the fluid in ejaculate. When a man is sexually aroused the prostate is activated. 

Some men really like it when their wives apply a lot of pressure on their perineum (the soft space of the pelvic floor between the testicles and the anus) right before orgasm. That’s because it applies pressure indirectly on the prostate. As a pro tip to the ladies, if you’re giving your husband a hand job for instance, you can situate yourself to where you can put your knee between his legs, under his testicles, and apply pressure as you stimulate him.

You can also stimulate the prostate directly through the rectum. He needs to be relaxed. Put a lot of lubricant on a finger, or put a condom or glove on your hand and put a lot of lubricant on that, and very gently slide it into his rectum a few inches. You can feel the back of the prostate – it’s walnut shaped. Using a “come-hither” motion or sliding your finger back and forth on it can stimulate the prostate enough that he can ejaculate from that touch alone, but stimulating the shaft and head of his penis with your other hand or tongue at the same time just adds more intensity to the pleasure.

Male vibrators are an option, but for many men it’s something they need to get used to, so if you want to try it give it a few rounds before deciding against it.

I should note that this isn’t for everyone. But our bodies are incredible creations and I believe God has designed us to feel sexual pleasure in multiple ways. And the reason why sexual pleasure is important is it facilitates bonding and closeness. 

I’m a happily married heterosexual male. I enjoy indirect and direct prostate stimulation, something that my wife does not have a problem with. But I struggle with whether this is a sin or not. What do you think?

This comes back to the “is it okay to do ____ in bed?” question. There are going to be people that tell you that prostate stimulation is a sin, and others tell you it isn’t. Each side is going to have their reasoning.

But I would recommend you live by principles, rather than rules. For example, we have a rule in our home that we don’t wear shoes in the house. Perhaps it’s because of my Japanese upbringing. But I want our kids to live by the principle, not just the rule. So the principle I want to teach them instead is that if we keep the floors clean, the house stays clean.

In this case, there are three principles I would recommend you consider.

The first is asking yourself if this act would bring you closer or further away from your spouse? As Jesus taught, you will know the tree by their fruits. What is the fruit of this particular sex act? 

The second principle is couples that want a vibrant sex life for the long-haul of their marriage need a healthy dose of newsness, freshness, and novelty. I’ve gone in depth on this principle in previous podcasts explaining that novelty need not always mean new sex positions or sex acts, but can be about going emotionally deeper with the person you’re with. But new sex acts, like prostate stimulation, could add some freshness and excitement to the marriage in a healthy way.

The third principle is about your values around the purpose of sex. In my opinion, God is clear about his guidelines for sex: to be enjoyed by a man and a woman, lawfully married. But that’s a pretty broad boundary. 

And God doesn’t command us in every minute detail of our lives because he expects us to grow and learn from our own experience within the bounds he sets. There’s plenty of room to explore and play within those boundaries. Both people consenting is really important – and it seems like your wife is choosing to engage in this play with you. 

My wife and I have a fulfilling sex life but I’m much more adventurous than she is and would like to explore prostate massage and potentially pegging. She’s told me that she’s not interested in receiving anal sex which is fine by me – I’m not bothered about that – but I would really like to explore her penetrating me. How do I approach talking about the subject with my wife as I know she will be reluctant to try it?

I like this question because it highlights another principle, about working together as an intimate team, using love and persuasion instead of manipulation.

Because we’re on the topic, “pegging” in this man’s question is when the wife stimulates him with a sex toy or dildo. She could wear a harness that straps onto a dildo and penetrate him. It’s a reversal or roles that some couples find humbling and erotic. One woman that plays this way with her husband once told me that she was surprised at first how much effort goes into thrusting and gave her deeper appreciation for her husband during sex.

You can see how some women would be reluctant to try this form of play though. It seems far outside their realm of experience of what “sex” should look like, and they feel uncomfortable with the role reversal, or the idea of butts in sex, or any number of things about it. It’s important to give space for your spouse who may not share the same enthusiasm for sexual turn-ons without becoming demanding.

So much of building an intimate relationship is about creating room for two people in the marriage. This requires honesty and truth, and solving the paradox of seeking what you want sexually balanced with what your spouse wants sexually. 

Some err on the side of being to pushy or demanding. Others err on the side of living small and never voicing their desires, or folding into the other person’s desires resentfully. Finding this balance or “goldilocks zone” is important!

I think many couples live below their privileges because they’re not willing to push themselves a little. In this case, “pushing yourself” might be getting over the fear of rejection of something you might find erotic. It might mean asking her directly if she’d be willing to try it, and see where the conversation goes from there.

I sense you’re a bit hesitant to ask because you’re either unsure about the act yourself or already have a sense of how she’ll respond, and don’t like the feeling of how she’ll respond. And that’s ok too. Your wife doesn’t need to agree with you. So many couples get bent out of shape because their spouse won’t share the same perspective or preferences with them. Can you create a marriage where there’s room for two people to have different perspectives and preferences? 

My wife has orgasms very very rarely. I want to close the orgasm gap in our marriage. I think if she had more orgasms and got more out of sex she’d want to have it more often. However, she’s only comfortable with intercourse in the missionary position. I guess you can call us traditional or vanilla. I thought something was wrong with us until I learned that only a small percentage of women actually have orgasms from penetration, and need clitoral stimulation. It’s frustrating to me though that she isn’t willing to try oral stimulation, sex toys, or other forms of sex that I read help women have more pleasure in sex. She says she’s uncomfortable with other ways. What should I do?

It’s so true that men get just as much, if not more satisfaction out of their sexual encounters when they know their wife is enjoying the experience. When you read journal accounts of men writing about their peak sexual experiences, 9 times out of 10 the men are describing what pleasures their WIFE experienced!

I think also that men have a fear or insecurity about not being man enough for their woman in bed, whatever that might mean. I was at a business conference once and once the guys in my group learned that I’m a marriage and sex coach, it opened all sort of exciting conversations. One man leaned over and told me that his wife averages two to three orgasms every time they have sex, and said it with so much pride and satisfaction – for him an important sign of his “manliness.” For the others in our group that heard that and feel a little insecure in themselves if their wives aren’t having orgasms like that too.

We tend to manifest in our life what we think about the most. The reality is everyone on the planet has insecurities in one way or another. Having insecurities is one thing, but whether you feed your insecurities and give them too much power is another thing. 

If your wife can sense that your insistence on her orgasm or pleasure is partly to prop up your ego, then it’s going to be difficult for her to want to engage sexually because doing something for the other person’s ego is anti-erotic. As Dr. David Scharch put it succinctly, “you can prop up your husband’s penis or his ego, but not both.” 

It’s important to seek to understand before seeking to be understood. Can you have conversations with your spouse to understand their perspective better? Perhaps she herself has insecurities about her sexuality or her body in general so the idea of toys or other forms of intimate touch are hard for her to accept? In any case, what our spouses need the most is a champion not a critic. 

Differences like this are good opportunities for spouses to practice giving each other grace, loving well, seeking the truth and being committed to being honest with each other. These crises can be the very friction you and your spouse needs to grow as an adult.

My husband had gained a lot of weight since we got married. He was maybe 150 when we got married and is now over 200. I really struggle with being attracted to him now. I love him greatly and we have been married almost 11 years but between that and our 3 kids, it has really halted our sex life. What do I do?

Your spouse’s body will change throughout your lifetime together. Heck, you’ll even age! Attraction, however, is not something that happens to us, but something we choose. It’s the way we think about it. Here’s some proof: ever have an outfit that you liked but someone else didn’t like? 

You can and should address how you feel about your spouse’s weight issue. You can also confront yourself on how you’ve made your spouse’s weight gain mean something about you or your attraction to him. But waiting until he’s lost 50 pounds to have an intimate relationship again may mean you’ll be waiting a long time. 

I’ve been married 4½ years and have had clitoral orgasms but never a vaginal orgasm. It simply isn’t really stimulating without some kind of manual stimulation. It doesn’t hurt or feel bad to have his penis in there.  It just doesn’t feel stimulating enough to  get anywhere close to orgasming. Is this just the way it is for some women? Something about the way their body is made or are we doing something wrong? We’ve tried a lot of different positions and other things that have been recommended.

I’m glad you’ve asked this question! Yes, you’re right – this is the way it is for MOST women – 70% actually. Most women don’t orgasm from penetration, regardless of the sex position. It’s a matter of anatomy. The clitoris is the woman’s sexual center, not her vagina. Women who have the genetics that develop her clitoris closer to the opening of her vagina can orgasm from penetration. For the majority of women though, they reach orgasm from grinding on their spouse’s pubic bone or back, incorporating manual or oral stimulation during sex, or use a vibrator. How you learn to reach orgasm and how you find sex pleasurable and enjoyable for you will be different from woman to woman, and couple to couple.

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<h3>Dan Purcell</h3>

Dan Purcell

Dan and his wife Emily Purcell are the founders of Get Your Marriage On! They are on a mission to strengthen marriages by making lovemaking incredibly fun and deeply connecting. Dan is a sex coach. They are also the creators of the popular Intimately Us and Just Between Us apps that have been downloaded over 750,000 times. They are the host of the popular Get Your Marriage On! podcast with over 1 million listens. In addition to their coaching program, they host romantic retreat getaways for couples, and put on workshops on how to have a great sex life and deeper intimacy.Dan and Emily met in middle school and have been married for over 20 years and have 6 kids. Dan loves cracking dad jokes, running marathons, planning the next creative date night with his sweetheart, and enjoys the magnificent outdoors around their St George home.

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