Today is international lovemaking day! Because it’s 6/9, I decided to share on our podcast nine ideas to strengthen your sexual relationship. Here are my top 3 tips to help spice up your intimacy. Talk with your spouse about what you two can do to improve your intimacy, and enjoy international lovemaking day!
#1 Ditch the Goals During Sex
My first tip is to ditch the goals during sex. Now I’m a pretty goal oriented guy and goals serve me really well in life. I set goals for exercise, fitness, nutrition, business, financial goals, professional goals etc. They serve me really well, but I’ve also learned that sometimes I’m better off not having a goal.
Recently my wife and I have been intentional about not having a goal when we’re intimate. Not having a goal, such as rushing to orgasm, frees us to really enjoy the moment and to enjoy each other more.
Goals Can Take the Fun Out of Sex
For example there was a period in my life where, during sex, I was so mentally caught up on whether or not my wife was enjoying it. I wondered if I was doing the technique right and was she going to climax? I was so goal oriented in this outcome that I got lost in my head.I wasn’t in my body and we just both didn’t enjoy the experience.
She didn’t enjoy feeling like a project either. So having this goal that we need to reach some sort of an outcome during sex just was really antithetical to enjoying the moment.
A better goal would be to stop overly worrying about your own performance or how you look in sex. Like, am I doing this move? Right? Do I look good? Am I attractive from this angle? Is the lighting right? Whatever it might be.
It’s amazing how much energy we can devote to cherishing each other and really being intimate if we don’t have to worry about the outcome during sex. It’s like enjoying the journey because the journey itself is fun. We’ve discovered new and exciting things that we never knew before, because we used to be so goal oriented. We overlooked it. So slowing things down and just enjoying the journey of arousal opened the door to a hundred more things that we like and want to explore.
In our modern lives we miss so much goodness. Slowing down, exploring and savoring, just being together has brought us closer together. So give it a try. Slow things down. Get rid of a goal and just enjoy the journey wherever it takes you.
#2 Enjoy Arousal for Arousal’s Sake
My second tip today is to enjoy arousal for arousal’s sake. Sometimes we avoid making out or undressing in front of our spouse or making a move because we’re worried that the gesture will arouse our spouse and we feel unprepared to deal with it. “If he’s aroused, then that means it’ll lead to sex and I don’t want to have sex, so I’m not going to be affectionate at all.”
Now if that’s the pattern in your marriage, you’re going to be far more reluctant to get in situations that are going to be exciting or arousing. And you’re going to miss out on the enjoyment of arousal just for arousal sake.
To access this enjoyment, break that cycle where you think making out or just feeling turned on must lead to sex. I recommend you practice making out with no other goal than just to enjoy the make-out session for what it is.
Another benefit to breaking the cycle is that you can enjoy your spouse getting super turned on. And that doesn’t mean it has to lead to sex all the time. Remember, even if your spouse is sexually excited you still have a choice. You always have a choice.
Another reason to enjoy arousal just for arousal sake is that delayed gratification can also be super sexy. Think back to times, perhaps when you were dating, when you really were excited about each other and wanted to do some things, but you couldn’t do anything about it in the moment. That anticipation you built was amazing.
#3 Make Sex A Priority and Schedule Sex (the right way)
My third tip is to make sex a priority and schedule it. There’s a great document by John Gottman called “great sex is not rocket science”. I love that title. And his first piece of advice is that to have great sex lives, happy couples make sex a priority.
Which sounds so straightforward, but I love it. It’s not rocket science.
Couples with great sex lives just simply make sex a priority. It’s so easy to let sex get moved to the back-burner in our busy lives.
Like anything else of value in life, we tend to make time for the things that matter most to us. Sex is no different. Some couples have had a lot of success scheduling sex and others hate it. But for those that don’t like it, let me just explain why it might not be working for you.
I got this tip from Vanessa Mara, a sex therapist. She says that when you go to schedule sex, what you want to schedule isn’t sex per se. You want to schedule what would be the minimum level of physical intimate activity that you would never say no to. For example, some of you might say I’ll never turn down a good massage or a bath. Or a good make-out session.
That’s what you’re going to schedule on the calendar, so you can look forward more to the time when you get some physical intimate activity that you’ll enjoy.
And if that leads to more sex, fantastic. Go for it. But that’s what you’re going to schedule.
Making sex a priority is one step to having a great sex life. Which leads to tip number four…
Listen to the GYMO Podcast!
For the rest of the tips, listen to or watch our GYMO podcast! Our sex lives are continuously changing. If we want them to keep getting better, we need to be intentionally learning about ourselves, our spouse, and how to deepen intimacy.
