A few years back, my wife and I were at a training with other sex and intimacy coaches, about a hundred of us gathered in this beautiful resort setting. A speaker talking about what it means to develop erotic friendship and work through many of the paradoxes of thriving marriages and sexual partnerships. She dropped a line that stuck with me:
Sex can be both “dirty” and “sacred” at the same time.
Really? Dirty is a good thing? Sacred at the same time? This got me thinking!
And yes!! Sex can be both. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it.
Let’s talk about the “dirty” aspect: by dirty I mean in that there’s something about our human nature that finds certain erotic themes exciting — even if these erotic themes are exciting in a sexual context are abhorrent in the light of day.
Put It In Action
An example can be a couple role-playing that they’re hooking up at a bar. In their sexual play, the idea of being so compelling that a complete stranger can’t help take their attention off of you. You’d never actually want to have sex with a complete stranger in real life, but in the safety of the marriage bed, that fantasy adds heat. That taboo, “wrong-but-right” thrill – that feels alive and fun!
On the other hand, sex can be a “sacrament” – a sacred moment. It’s a precious moment of union of two souls, rich in symbolism of two becoming one. You’re not just “having sex” but making powerful meaning. It’s a piece of heaven in your home.
In these moments you leave the marriage bed empowered as a couple to take on life’s challenges together, strengthened, even healed.
Yet either extreme alone isn’t helpful for a marriage. Treating sex so sanctimonious and serious makes it rigid and too cleaned up. Making it all about carnality misses the point of how it’s designed to strengthen the marital bond. But make room for both and you have a great recipe for a thriving marriage!
Life is messy. Sex is gloriously messy too. The trick is to enjoy all of it, both the dirty and the sacred aspects together.
