In many marriages, there are people that feel like they do far more than their share of the relationship work, but why do they tend to take on the responsibility of their spouse’s share of the relationship, especially in stressful situations?
Intimate marriages are like a system like an air conditioning and heating system in your home. It works hard to keep things at an even temperature or homeostasis. When the temperature gets too high, the air conditioning kicks on to cool things down, and when the temperature gets too low, the heater kicks on to heat things up. So it’s a system, a way of keeping things normal and functioning in a environment where people can live.
When there’s stress and anxiety in the relationship, one person may tend to be com overly responsible for the relationship to calm the other person down, to bring the relationship back into homeostasis. This is called the over-functioning / under-functioning dynamic. And it shows up in sex too.
If you’ve ever said to yourself, “If I wasn’t the person to always initiate sex here, nothing would ever happen,” this could be a sign that you’re an over-functioner in your sexual relationship.
My guest on this episode, Dr. Kathleen Smith, is a world renowned expert on systems theory and relationships. And this is her second time on my podcast (her first appearance was episode #45). She’s the author of a new book, True to You, in which she discusses the overfunctioning under-functioning dynamic in relationships and how to fix it, and that is also the topic of our discussion today.
If you’ve enjoyed this episode, you might like these resources:
Couples Retreat in St. George, UT, October 10-13
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