Women’s bodies and brains undergo large changes during puberty, childbirth and menopause. Just like how sexuality hasn’t been talked about much in previous generations, at least not in a positive light, menopause also hasn’t been a free topic of conversation.
It might be a bit funny that a dude is doing an episode about menopause, but I’m really curious about this amazing natural process that women undergo. And I’m not the only one. We often have questions in our private Facebook group. I admit, with a little bit of humor, that most of the comments are from husbands desperate for answers, wondering where their wives libido went after she experienced menopause symptoms.
We’ll address this question among many others in this episode as I talk with my friend and fellow marriage and sex coach, Alisa DiLorenzo. She and her husband Tony, are the hosts of the incredible One Extraordinary Marriage Show and the author of several books.
Coming up . . .
Our wonderful small group men’s and women’s coaching programs start May 6th! Spots are limited to just 10 people per group, so sign up now to ensure your spot! Trust us, this program is intimacy changing!
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. **Note: for some reason, this episode seems to be particularly glitchy.** For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Menopause Shouldn’t Suck (part 1)
Alisa DiLorenzo: [00:00:00] We’re gonna put our feet up on the porch and we’re just gonna sit here until we die. There is so much vitality and there are so many resources now to actually promote longevity in a season where I’ve seen some numbers that say women will spend
will spend
in the area of about a third of their lives in this post-menopausal
space,
so let’s get excited about it.
Dan: Women’s bodies and brains undergo large changes during puberty, childbirth and menopause. Just like how sexuality hasn’t been talked about much in previous generations, at least not in a positive light. Menopause also hasn’t been talked about very much yet. Just pretty much all women in their forties and fifties and beyond experience this wonderful and natural change in their lifetime.
This might be a bit funny coming from a dude to do an episode about menopause, but I’m really curious about this amazing natural process that women undergo. Part of my curiosity, I admit, is fueled by questions in our private Facebook group asking about it. I admit with a little bit of humor that most of the comments are from husbands
desperate for answers, wondering where their wives libido went after she experiences menopause symptoms. We’ll address this question among many others in this episode. So I reached out to my friend and fellow marriage and sex coach Alisa DiLorenzo. She and her husband Tony, are the host of the Incredible one Extraordinary Marriage podcast and the author of several books.
Alisa is very knowledgeable about menopause and is here to answer many of your questions. A few times a year, we open the doors to our men’s and women’s small group coaching programs. These are limited to just six to 10 men or women, and we meet weekly for 12 weeks. It’s intensive and designed for individuals that want to do a deep dive into intimacy and sexuality in their most important relationship, their marriage with others, men and women, in their respective groups.
In a confidential and upbeat setting, the coaching that you get is invaluable. In fact, here’s what one man emailed me yesterday who just recently graduated from our most recent cohort that just wrapped up last week. He says, I want to express just how transformative this experience has been for me. I’ve participated in countless programs over the years and various Christian-based resources, but nothing has come close to the impact of this course.
After 22 years of marriage, I had grown increasingly hopeless that a solution existed. Most other programs left me feeling more discouraged and some even made things worse. But I kept searching, believing God wanted something better for me and my marriage. This program has been nothing short of a miracle.
The safe, faith-filled and deeply practical environment you’ve created, allowed me to finally see what I’ve been missing. The group setting provided comradery and accountability, and the curriculum addressed the real issues that have kept me stuck for so long. End of quote, remember, the next cohort starts May 6th for both our men’s and our women’s versions.
You can learn more about the programs on our website at Get Your Marriage on.com, as well as in the show notes below.
Dan Purcell: Elisa, welcome to the Get Your Marriage On Podcast. How are you
Alisa DiLorenzo: I’m doing fantastic and I’m so happy to be here. Thank you.
Dan Purcell: Thank you. Good. Uh, I’m really looking forward to this conversation and, uh, you’re an expert in this specific domain. You teach other women about this and men, and I’m just, um, we’re gonna, this is gonna be a great conversation about what we’re gonna talk about, but first I wanna know of a time you, yourself experience the first symptoms of perimenopause.
Alisa DiLorenzo: Oh my gosh. Um, this is a little embarrassing on my side, so I was probably about 48 and I’m, I’m 50 now, so this is about a couple years ago. And Tony and I love to cuddle in bed. It’s kind of one of the things we do, it’s how we get our physical touch
Dan Purcell: physical touch.
Alisa DiLorenzo: one night. Unbeknownst to me, he tried to cuddle and apparently I was in the middle of a night sweat burning with fire.
He gets close.
Dan Purcell: He
Alisa DiLorenzo: I flail my arm down, smack him in the middle of the night, and I keep on sleeping. I have no idea that this has gone on. The next morning, my incredibly understanding, wonderful husband just looks at me and he goes,
Dan Purcell: at me and he goes,
Alisa DiLorenzo: I think this might be the start.
Dan Purcell: be the start.
Alisa DiLorenzo: A perimenopause. He goes, ’cause you are hitting me in the middle of the night.
You are like a dragon. I have no idea how hot you are, but you are like breathing fire in the middle of the night. And that’s when I knew that I was definitely in this transition and that I had to get educated because I [00:05:00] couldn’t keep walloping my husband
Dan Purcell: husband, right?
Alisa DiLorenzo: getting away with it.
Dan Purcell: with a black eye
Alisa DiLorenzo: Yeah. Oh my gosh. It’s still like, it’s still cringey.
Um, to think that. Uh, like completely unconscious. I’m flailing arms and hitting him upside the head.
Dan Purcell: So what is perimenopause and what is menopause and what do people mean by those two terms?
Alisa DiLorenzo: So menopause itself is a journey. Um, and some people will refer to it as the menopause journey. The, there is a point in time when you, when a woman has gone 12 consecutive months without having a period
Dan Purcell: period.
Alisa DiLorenzo: that has happened. She is considered in menopause. It’s like a, a moment, if you can think about like a timeline, it’s like the.in the middle of the timeline, everything leading up to that.
Starting be somewhere between probably age 35 or 40. She is in perimenopause. That’s when she may start experiencing symptoms and I’ll share them in a minute. And then after that transition point, she, she will either say she’s in menopause or use the phrase post menopause. A lot of times those are used interchangeably.
Um, menopause itself is an event. As part of the menopausal journey. Um, those symptoms though, you know, so often, I mean, I told you about my night sweats, a lot of women think hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain,
Dan Purcell: weight
Alisa DiLorenzo: but there are, I’ve seen upwards to 40 plus different symptoms that can be indicative of the menopause journey.
Things like, increased anxiety. Depression, mood swings, you know, those, there’s a reason we’re all in our forties crying at the Hallmark commercials because we’re just gonna, the car commercials. Um, you know, some women will have skin issues, itchiness, dry skin,
Dan Purcell: skin,
Alisa DiLorenzo: there will be those times where, I mean, I’ve had women that I’ve talked to have a sensation on their skin that almost feels like a rubber band or electric shock, which is just the nerves.
Being very sensitive.
Dan Purcell: sensitive.
Alisa DiLorenzo: other women, insomnia becomes a very big thing. Trouble going to sleep, trouble staying asleep, and then you throw in a few night sweats, the whole nighttime routine. another one that can really scare a lot of women, and I experience this myself, is brain fog or feeling forgetful.
Dan Purcell: Feeling forgetful.
Alisa DiLorenzo: Um,
Dan Purcell: Right. Um,
Alisa DiLorenzo: you know, it’s, it’s something that you expect like after you have babies. It’s kinda that whole mommy brain thing.
Dan Purcell: right thing, uhhuh,
Alisa DiLorenzo: But when you don’t have littles and you’re in somewhere in your forties ish, and you start walking into your kitchen going, I don’t know. I don’t know what I, why am I here?
Dan Purcell: Yeah.
Alisa DiLorenzo: And it can be really scary a lot of women,
Dan Purcell: uh.
Alisa DiLorenzo: we hear the stories about early onset Alzheimer’s and just things like that.
We’ll get into this place of fear.
Dan Purcell: year. Right? Oh, maybe it’s something, this and that.
Alisa DiLorenzo: Exactly.
Dan Purcell: they catastrophize what’s
Alisa DiLorenzo: A hundred percent.
Dan Purcell: easy to do.
Alisa DiLorenzo: A hundred.
Dan Purcell: is that happening because our brains are sensitive to hormonal fluctuations in our body.
Alisa DiLorenzo: It is, there’s, there’s so much going on. Like if we think about, you know, for most people the first big hormonal transition was at puberty,
Dan Purcell: puberty
Alisa DiLorenzo: that we all go through puberty, huge hormonal transition, the first big one.
Dan Purcell: first,
Alisa DiLorenzo: in that place, if you have raised teenagers, you know, the brain, short circuits in all different kinds of ways.
I, I’ve raised a son and a daughter. You see all that for a lot of women postpartum. There is another, because of all of the, the flood of different hormones, postpartum can lead to a lot of,
Dan Purcell: lead
Alisa DiLorenzo: um, hormonal, the mood swings, the fatigue, um, the brain fog, all of that. Well, for women menopause, the menopause journey is that third time in their life.
Dan Purcell: in their life.
Alisa DiLorenzo: That their brains are being flooded with hormones and we do. Our brains are like, okay, so we’ve got dropping estrogen and the progesterone’s all over the place and testosterone’s doing its thing too. And we’re in this state of flux and not realizing that our hormones don’t just control, you know, whether or not we have a period, but they also control all of our systems in our body.
Dan Purcell: body. Right, right, right.
So there’s a lot of symptoms and there’s a lot of things that happen in our bodies, and you’re not necessarily coming from this, from the medical
Alisa DiLorenzo: Mm-hmm.
Dan Purcell: but are there any resources or things that you would tell our listeners, some of your favorite reference points, books or things about this information?
Alisa DiLorenzo: Absolutely. And like you said, I am not a medical doctor. I am a woman in the menopause journey. I’m still in perimenopause. And I started going on a search, myself. I’m like, who are the doctors that are talking about this? A couple of my favorites.
Dan Purcell: my
Alisa DiLorenzo: Um, there’s a book by Dr. Mary Claire Haber called The New Menopause.
Um, she, this is where I started getting all of the insights into the. The wealth and breadth of symptoms because she took the time to lay it all out there. Um, we were just talking about the brain and um, Lisa Scon wrote a book called The Menopause Brain. I.
Dan Purcell: The Menopause Brain
Alisa DiLorenzo: Which I love because we need help understanding
Dan Purcell: understanding
Alisa DiLorenzo: [00:10:00] what’s going on inside of us.
And because so much is wired in the brain. And then another book is, um, menopause Confidential by Dr. Tara Alman. Um, these are three that I keep close to my desk.
Dan Purcell: to my
Alisa DiLorenzo: When I’m, for myself, those are my own personal reference books and ones that I often recommend to other women as well. Um, because I think we need a hundred percent, we need those doctors who
Dan Purcell: who
Alisa DiLorenzo: are trained
Dan Purcell: trained. Mm-hmm.
Alisa DiLorenzo: in women’s health, but not just women’s health up to,
Dan Purcell: Up to,
Alisa DiLorenzo: you know, obstetrics having a baby.
But what happens in the menopause, uh, transition. And I think,
Dan Purcell: And
Alisa DiLorenzo: you know, one of the things that I, I’ve sat at conferences and whatnot,
Dan Purcell: and
Alisa DiLorenzo: um. That I’ve heard these doctors specifically say is that in medical school,
Dan Purcell: medical school,
Alisa DiLorenzo: most doctors are only getting a few hours on menopause.
Dan Purcell: me.
Alisa DiLorenzo: It’s not, it’s not this huge like, oh, we’re gonna, you know, spend days or weeks or whatever it looks like in med school, and so you actually have to go find the specialists because not every physician really understands or knows what’s going on in terms.
Dan Purcell: makes sense. Yeah, there’s probably a lot of things like that too. in medical school they’ll cover the basics and give you a little, it’s really about breadth
Alisa DiLorenzo: Correct.
Dan Purcell: and they expect you afterwards to go into depth in one certain area.
Alisa DiLorenzo: Absolutely.
Dan Purcell: certain area that you’re an expert on is the impact of menopause in
Alisa DiLorenzo: marriage
Mm-hmm.
Dan Purcell: Can we go there for a
Alisa DiLorenzo: I would love to.
Dan Purcell: great, tell me more about the marriage relationship and menopause and what people need to be aware of now. preparing for this interview. I asked my Facebook group for what are their questions? And I sent those to
Alisa DiLorenzo: Yes.
Dan Purcell: there’s a lot of fear about, oh no, this is happening.
What’s gonna happen to our
Alisa DiLorenzo: Hmm.
Dan Purcell: us, let’s start there.
Alisa DiLorenzo: Well, I, I, I think a big part of the reason that there’s so much fear is that we are of a generation where by and large, our parents did not talk to us about big life transitions. Right.
Dan Purcell: right?
Alisa DiLorenzo: I’ve talked to so many women who the only, the only instruction they got from their mothers in regard to menopause was just, you wait.
Dan Purcell: uhhuh.
Alisa DiLorenzo: Just you wait. And she’s like, what am I waiting for?
Dan Purcell: That’s not comforting either
Alisa DiLorenzo: No. And so it perpetuates this fear, or, you know, there is this fear that, that our sex lives are gonna dry up and we’re just gonna be like, well that was, you know, at some point in time in our forties, that was the last time we had sex. And
Dan Purcell: We had a good run.
Alisa DiLorenzo: that was it. Um, and the reality is, is that, and we were just talking about this in regard to the brain with all those hormones.
Dan Purcell: those
Alisa DiLorenzo: That are in a huge state of flux.
Dan Purcell: of,
Alisa DiLorenzo: There are a lot of husbands
Dan Purcell: lot of husbands
Alisa DiLorenzo: who have said to me,
Dan Purcell: have
Alisa DiLorenzo: Elisa, where did she go?
Dan Purcell: did she go?
Alisa DiLorenzo: Where’s my wife? Because it feels like they’re with a different woman because she’s dealing with all this.
Dan Purcell: with
Alisa DiLorenzo: And sometimes I chuckle and say, well, your hormones are also doing a whole bunch of stuff right now, so, so we can get into this place where everybody’s hormones are in flux
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh
Alisa DiLorenzo: and the marriage
marriage. feels.
a little shaky.
Like what’s going on? Are we gonna make it? And there’s actually, I’m sure you’ve heard the term great divorce, the, the divorce phenomena of couples 20 plus years married.
Dan Purcell: mm-hmm.
Alisa DiLorenzo: I think in a lot of cases that is probably the result of hormonal fluctuations that haven’t been addressed.
Dan Purcell: been addressed. Gotcha.
Alisa DiLorenzo: It just,
Dan Purcell: the hormonal fluctuations is exposing things in the marriage that haven’t been
Alisa DiLorenzo: mm-hmm.
Dan Purcell: the 20, 30 years they’ve been married. And because they haven’t addressed those things that were easy to hide or lower priority before, now they’re front and center and the couple doesn’t have the tools to deal with them, or they choose not to deal with them
Alisa DiLorenzo: Well,
Dan Purcell: to too.
Alisa DiLorenzo: absolutely. And that, that’s why, you know, I’m grateful for you doing an episode like this just to, to start to normalize this conversation because I think a lot of the fear, a lot of the worry about aging and marriage is that I.
Dan Purcell: marriage
Alisa DiLorenzo: If we don’t talk about these things, if we don’t acknowledge it’s gonna like it’s gonna happen to all of us.
Dan Purcell: to all
Alisa DiLorenzo: We are all getting older. Our bodies are all going to have hormonal fluctuations. I don’t use the word always very often. I feel pretty confident using it here.
Dan Purcell: Yeah.
Alisa DiLorenzo: So if that’s going to happen, we owe it to ourselves in our marriage to get educated, to have these conversations and to say, Hey,
Dan Purcell: and to say,
Alisa DiLorenzo: how are we as a couple?
To handle this. How are we gonna talk about it? How are we gonna, you know, not let the fear get the best of us and instead draw closer and be a couple that are on the other side are like the couples in those, you know, jewelry commercials at Christmas that, you know, they’re in their eighties and they’re just dottering around on their walkers together.
Right. Um, be that couple,
Dan Purcell: So let’s take a few scenarios and let’s walk through things that hopefully our listeners can help with. Let’s take the first one where, symptoms are happening. they both don’t know what’s really going on o other than that she just [00:15:00] hates me all the time, or whatever is going on.
What, whatever it is, and it’s perceived as a
Alisa DiLorenzo: Mm-hmm.
Dan Purcell: what would you say to that couple?
Alisa DiLorenzo: I, I think.
Dan Purcell: I
Alisa DiLorenzo: One for her is what I would say to the wife is,
wife is,
are aware of something’s shifting. You may not have the words for it
Dan Purcell: words for it
Alisa DiLorenzo: you know, the other thing too is that menopause isn’t necessarily clinically diagnosed. there is research right now that’s trying to, you know, through blood tests and things like that.
But for the most part it’s, you know, what are your symptoms and how long has it been since your last period? That’s why, for every woman that’s ever gone into Doc, when was your last period until you stop having them. the other thing I wanna say is that for some women this can start as early as 35.
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh.
Alisa DiLorenzo: So you can be in your thirties, you can start to see this happening. And I know that there are a lot of men who are terrified of bringing up a woman’s hormones. They don’t wanna say, is this PMS? Is this me? Because especially I, I don’t wanna ask you if it’s menopause ’cause that makes you sound like you’re old, not so
Dan Purcell: And it,
Alisa DiLorenzo: go ahead.
Dan Purcell: don’t wanna be seen as insensitive
Alisa DiLorenzo: Correct.
Dan Purcell: to that. Right.
Alisa DiLorenzo: And you know, for a lot of men it’s also like having a few good questions in your toolbox, right? Honey, you just don’t seem quite yourself. I don’t wanna make any assumptions. How are you feeling? I.
how are you feeling?
Right, like spend some, take her out for a cup of coffee if she wants coffee or tea or whatever. You know, take her for a walk on the beach or whatever is something that has worked for the two.
Hey, I just wanna spend, let’s just spend half an hour. Let’s go get an ice cream cone.
an
Half an hour ice cream cone’s gonna melt. It’s a limited amount of time. Um,
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh,
Alisa DiLorenzo: how are you feeling?
Dan Purcell: how
Alisa DiLorenzo: Because. In a lot of instances, this menopause transition also happens at a time when a lot of other things are transitioning for her specifically, but also for the couple their children are getting older and perhaps they are on the verge of
Dan Purcell: verge
Alisa DiLorenzo: sending them off into the world, becoming empty nesters.
So you have this loss of identity there.
Dan Purcell: identity,
Alisa DiLorenzo: You have career transitions.
Dan Purcell: Transitions.
Alisa DiLorenzo: Which also dramatically impact identity for both husband and wife. You have at that age point where you may be taking care of your parents,
Dan Purcell: Aging parents,
Alisa DiLorenzo: aging parents, and so now the, the child has become the caregiver, the parent, and so you have all of these stresses and then her body is doing this whole like tap dance thing
Dan Purcell: dancing thing,
Alisa DiLorenzo: inside from head to toe.
And she may feel overwhelmed, stressed, frazzled. Doesn’t know why her body is responding. Just honey, we haven’t spent some time recently. How are you? And just listen guys, just listen. Don’t try and fix it. Don’t try and come up. Don’t tell her she needs to, you know, go exercise or eat differently or go meditate.
Like
Dan Purcell: meditate
Alisa DiLorenzo: fix it.
Dan Purcell: or, or get her hormones checked. Right.
Alisa DiLorenzo: not on the first conversation
Dan Purcell: Not at first. Yeah, exactly. Uh,
Alisa DiLorenzo: because so much shifts when, and this goes for men or women, but when we feel like we’re cared for. In our marriage when we feel like we’re valued, when we feel like our spouse actually wants to know, Hey, what’s going on with you? I, I don’t wanna say you, you’ve been cranky.
I don’t wanna say you’re being mean to me all the time, but what’s going on?
Dan Purcell: Right. I want to know you. I want to know you. It’s not, I want to, resolve these inconvenient things
Alisa DiLorenzo: Mm-hmm.
Dan Purcell: I want to know you. That’s intimate. That’s a very intimate
Alisa DiLorenzo: Correct.
Dan Purcell: when you can really do that sincerely and authentically, that’s, that’s good. Oftentimes, a lot of what I see is couples have an agenda
Alisa DiLorenzo: Mm-hmm.
Dan Purcell: they’re trying to. Talk about, to try to get the other person to see it their way or to change, and this is a, this is a conversation without an agenda. This is, Hey, what’s going on with you? How do you feel? And
Alisa DiLorenzo: Mm-hmm.
Dan Purcell: ’cause you love the other person. Like what you’re saying, it’s about caring,
Alisa DiLorenzo: It’s about caring and it’s about rediscovering the curiosity.
Dan Purcell: Yes.
Alisa DiLorenzo: A lot of times in long-term relationships, long-term marriages, we make a lot of assumptions and we lose our curiosity
Dan Purcell: our curiosity. Yeah. Right.
Alisa DiLorenzo: a, and
Dan Purcell: And,
Alisa DiLorenzo: transition, I would almost say, requires us to get curious again.
Dan Purcell: to get curious again.
Alisa DiLorenzo: What are you experience like, like we did when we were dating or even in the early years of marriage? Hey, what works for you now? What do you like? What feels good? All of those types of questions and not just assuming, well, this is rejection and she hates me, and all this kind of stuff.
if she’s somewhere between 35 and 50 ish,
ish,
let’s give her the benefit of the doubt
and and show up with sensitivity.
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh.
Alisa DiLorenzo: Potentially, and, and I will say this, if you guys have had some issues, you may actually need a marriage coach to help you navigate this conversation with grace
grace.
and love, but also pulling it away from the two of you just having the conversation.
Dan Purcell: Yeah, that would be helpful. And also address anything that hasn’t been addressed yet in your marriage would be a great thing to do anytime before it turns into a big problem. I can’t help but think about, the attitude to adopt at this phase of like. It’s because in one [00:20:00] sense it could feel like a real loss of the old us.
We used to be this way, like you and your husband, we used to love cuddling. Now it’s a little iffy. Like there’s, there’s a sense of grief and loss about that. We can also take an attitude of, Hey, this is a new chapter for us and we’re gonna, this, what new vistas have we not
Alisa DiLorenzo: Mm-hmm.
Dan Purcell: we could, have together?
And that’s, that’s a good attitude to have. Perhaps if you can
Alisa DiLorenzo: Well,
Dan Purcell: that through this.
Alisa DiLorenzo: and again, there is for a lot of women the grief E, even if she doesn’t want to have any more children,
Dan Purcell: Right.
Alisa DiLorenzo: Late forties, early fifties, like I am done
Dan Purcell: I
Alisa DiLorenzo: having babies.
Dan Purcell: having
Alisa DiLorenzo: is still this
Dan Purcell: still this
Alisa DiLorenzo: moment of, but now my body can’t,
Dan Purcell: can’t. Yes.
Alisa DiLorenzo: and.
Dan Purcell: I wanted to, even if I wanted to, I can’t.
Alisa DiLorenzo: I can’t. And so it’s this transition and yet I see so many women who are embracing the, after
Dan Purcell: the
Alisa DiLorenzo: this second fa Well, I mean, I guess for a lot of people they consider it like
Dan Purcell: the second half of
Alisa DiLorenzo: it’s the second half
Dan Purcell: is
Alisa DiLorenzo: and, and let’s go into, you know, we aren’t, our parents are our grandparents’ generation where, you know, you hit 50 ish and you’re like, well, we’re getting ready for retirement.
We’re gonna put our feet up on the porch and we’re just gonna sit here until we die. There is so much vitality and there are so many resources now to actually promote longevity in a season where I’ve seen some numbers that say women will spend
will spend
in the area of about a third of their lives in this post-menopausal
Dan Purcell: postal. Yeah.
Alisa DiLorenzo: space,
Dan Purcell: Right.
Alisa DiLorenzo: so let’s get excited about it.
Dan Purcell: about it. Yeah. Let’s do, let’s make it great.
Let’s thrive
Alisa DiLorenzo: Exactly.
Dan Purcell: let’s talk about that real quick. So, tell me about stories of people who have found a way to thrive. Post menopause
Alisa DiLorenzo: I’ve got a beautiful story of a couple. they just celebrated their 40th anniversary and they both, their birthdays are within just a few days of each other. And so they just turned 60 and here’s a couple. She is definitely postmenopausal. And through those years, their sexual intimacy was all over the place.
Um, they would even tell you just some actually really rocky years
Dan Purcell: years,
Alisa DiLorenzo: and
Dan Purcell: and
Alisa DiLorenzo: She was taking care of her mental health. She was taking care of her
Dan Purcell: of
Alisa DiLorenzo: physical health, including her vaginal health,
vaginal health
they, they are so cute for their birthdays,
birthday,
did a 60 day sex challenge and went 60 days straight, culminating.
On their birthday or one of their birthdays. And what I love about that is here’s a couple, turning 60, married 40 years, still choosing to, because they’ve taken care of themselves, choosing to make their sexual intimacy a priority
a
when there are a lot of people that couldn’t imagine a 60 day sex challenge in their like thirties,
thirties,
or thirties.
And here’s a couple in their sixties doing it.
Dan Purcell: sixties doing it. Great.
Alisa DiLorenzo: it. other women that I’ve worked with who, in fact I was just talking to a couple of ’em the other night, the rediscovery of their voice
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh,
Alisa DiLorenzo: in this season, when their identity has changed,
has changed.
when they’re no longer having to be responsible for the day-to-day mothering
Dan Purcell: to day.
Alisa DiLorenzo: right
Dan Purcell: Because they’re past that phase in life.
Alisa DiLorenzo: past that phase, they are developing confidence in who they are in this 50 something.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Alisa DiLorenzo: and they’re discovering that, that they don’t have to defer, they don’t have to make everybody else feel good. They can actually voice what they want. You know, little things from what do I wanna have to dinner tonight to where do I wanna go on vacation?
on
And they’re able to do it with a, a new confidence because it isn’t all about taking care of everyone else.
Dan Purcell: else. Uhhuh,
Alisa DiLorenzo: So many women are now stepping into this place in their fifties of taking care of themselves.
Dan Purcell: Right, right. That’s good. And because they’re taking better care of themselves, they can thrive in this
Alisa DiLorenzo: Mm-hmm.
Dan Purcell: great. tell me about hormonal supplements and, HRT and all those kinds
Alisa DiLorenzo: Mm-hmm. So, you know, there’s a lot.
Dan Purcell: So there’s a lot
Alisa DiLorenzo: Being bantered around, um, as far as hormone therapy. And I wanna just reiterate the fact that I’m not a doctor, so please go see your physician. Um, see a specialist who actually specializes in hormone therapy. Don’t just, you know, doctors are us type of thing. Um, because again,
Dan Purcell: ’cause again,
Alisa DiLorenzo: based on the specialized training.
That a physician has had is going to really, you know, impact
Dan Purcell: impact
Alisa DiLorenzo: to even speak to you about hormone therapy, because you can walk into a doctor’s office and get more off of reading a couple of these books and doing some internet searches. Then some doctors have had training. ’cause that’s not their specialty,
Dan Purcell: right?
Alisa DiLorenzo: that they’re, they’re trying to, you know.
Give you less. It’s just not their specialty. And so, you know, different types of hormone therapy, um, testosterone is one that a lot of people hear about in regards to libido.
Dan Purcell: to
Alisa DiLorenzo: That is still [00:25:00] not FDA approved for women in the United States. However, there are physicians out there who will off label it for their, for their female patients.
Um. That is often done in either injectables or pellets. Sometimes also creams. and they each have different pros and cons. There’s also progesterone. Therapy, which a lot of women will take to,
Dan Purcell: take
Alisa DiLorenzo: help with sleeping and you know, so night sweats, sleeping, insomnia, that type of thing. And then there are
Dan Purcell: then
Alisa DiLorenzo: the different, and that’s usually like a capsule form.
Dan Purcell: a
Alisa DiLorenzo: And then there is estrogen supplementation. And this can come in a lot of different varieties. Vaginal estrogen is super important for a woman’s vaginal health. So keeping the tissues healthy, keeping them pliable in the vaginal area, and then also helping with lubrication because a lot of women in
women in
menopause in that transition will complain of vaginal dryness.
sex can actually become painful, so even if you aren’t using hormone supplementation, considering lubricants.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
No one wants painful sex. That does not sound good. No one wants painful sex. No woman wants to be on the receiving end, and no husband wants to be the cause. No, period. So considering, you know, VA something like vaginal estrogen, you can use lubricants, you can also use vaginal and, and I myself do use vaginal estrogen, partly because I was having another symptom.
One I didn’t tell you about. ’cause there are so many is that I started to experience the need for more frequent urination. It wasn’t necessarily a UTI uhhuh, I just felt like I had to go. And so I started doing a little research and sure enough, this is another one of those little pesky symptoms, uhhuh.
And so I said, well, I’m just gonna try it. Let’s see if vaginal, estrogen helps. And I, I’ve only been on it for as of this recording three or four weeks now, but I have definitely noticed. Oh, good. I do not have to go all the time Uhhuh. And so, so you start thinking through that, you’re like, okay, does that help?
And I also noticed just a different, like there isn’t any pain associated with sex that’s, there is the natural lubrication. So it’s, and a lot of, a lot of the research indicates that vaginal estrogen can be very healthy for women. Even those, and again, I am not a physician, so please, please, please check with your doctor.
But even those that might have sensitivity to like an estrogen patch. Or estrogen creams a lot of times because it is more localized. Mm-hmm. In the vagina it can be, it can be healthier, but again, speak to your physician. Got it. And when it comes to estrogen, there are different ways for estrogen as well.
You can take estrogen pills, patches, creams, and there are pros and cons. Some of it has to do with cost. Some of it has to do with, you know, if you’re taking it orally, it has to be processed in your liver. So that’s a lot of, can be a lot of work on your liver. Patches are topical and, and you know, that type of thing.
So it’s. It’s just so important to have the conversations with your physician as a woman. Yes. To say, I know these options are there given my history, whether it is, you know, genetic history that we have to worry about or, you know, postpartum or whatever, given my history, help me to make an educated decision and then dialogue with your physician.
Yeah, that’s really good. Now let’s talk to anxious husbands who are afraid that, oh no, our sex life is gonna be totally disrupted as a result. Let’s, let’s talk to them a bit. Okay? What advice would you give them? First of all, if you haven’t hit this transition yet, start working on your sex life now. Yes.
Like, don’t, don’t wait. Make it a priority. And, and this, this is everything from, you know, learning what makes your wife feel good if you haven’t already. Some great books around this are, I’m just looking at my library over here. Um, uh, she comes first is a great one for husbands. Um, and, and a book that I would share with wives is the book Come As You Are.
Right? Mm-hmm. Which just talks about a woman understanding her own body. And then as things start to change, this is where, you know, being able to have those conversations about your sexual intimacy, do it outside of your bedroom. Because between, we have in the talks about sex where you wanna have sex uhhuh, it does not go so well unless it’s like, yeah, that was great, but it’s having small conversations.
It’s not thinking that the sexual intimacy around menopause conversation is gonna be a single conversation. I will tell you that she is dealing with body image issues, so husband. Mm-hmm. If you can build her up with your words, with your physical intimacy, the touches, the non-sexual touches, it will go a long way.
She needs to know that. You value her and cherish her no matter what her body is doing. Right. Right. That you’re invested in her as a person, [00:30:00] not the sex she provides for you. Correct. No one likes to be treated that way and so be her cheerleader. Yeah. You know, there are so many times that, you know, if it’s a, if she loves little notes, if she’s a flower girl and just loves, like, bring me a bouquet of flowers and just let me know that you were thinking about me.
If. She needs that time with you. So often what can happen is there is that sense of rejection and so he’ll retreat, yes, he’ll invest less, he’ll invest. Right, right. Withdraw Uhhuh. This is where a question like, Hey, what are meaningful dates to you now? What are meaningful touches to you Now, you know, I, I love the word meaningful ’cause it’s, it gets you away from, well, what do you like?
I don’t Yes. Right. I don’t like anything looks good, but. Meaningful starts to speak to the heart, honey, how can I, how can I touch you in a way that’s meaningful right now? Mm-hmm. And, you know, she might say, I just need you to wrap your arms around me and, and tell me that we’re gonna make it through this.
Okay. Well, right. If he’s got an opportunity to touch her, that’s a good thing. If he has an opportunity to comfort her, good thing. And that will lead to sex. It’s just understanding that in, in this season, sexual intimacy is changing for both of you. Yes. I had a friend tell me that she was starting going through menopause and her sexual desire went down.
And for her having a great sexual relationship with her husband was something she was always really proud of. Mm-hmm. And she was laying there with her husband, just grieving that. It’s just isn’t like how it was before. I’m just, I don’t have that kick. In me anymore like I used to. And it’s the beginning of the end for us and things are winding down and, and she married a man that’s a little older than her too.
So it’s like, that’s also like a mix going through her mind. Like, statistics are in your favorite, you’re gonna go first. Yeah. You know, it was just, all of it’s going on. And he reached over to her, said, look, we love each other. We’ll figure this out. It’s okay. And all of a sudden she’s like, all right, I have sex right now.
Like, we’re good. Take those clothes off right now. We like, it just meant so much to her that he was invested in her as a person. And it’s not just about the sex and I, that’s the bigger picture I hope couples walk away from in their concerns and anxiousness about sex. Sometimes you’re overly anxious and the anxiousness itself about it is just ruining things.
Can you calm down a bit around that? And don’t, don’t borrow worries that haven’t happened yet. Yes. Right, right. Don’t, don’t get str. Like if you’ve been doing well uhhuh, it might, it might change, but it doesn’t mean you can’t still do. Well, it might be, you know, a couple different things can happen to, to a wife during this season.
Some, you know, a lot of women, kind of the more stereotypical situation is that she will see a decrease in her libido. Mm-hmm. In a lot of cases become more responsive where she’s going to need help becoming aroused so that the desire kicks in. Like touch me in the ways that work because I will get there.
I just might not be thinking about it in the same way. ’cause she’s got all of the tabs open, right? Yes. So, so that can happen where she’s just gonna need a little more help. On the other hand, there are women who, whether just naturally or through the use of hormone therapy, will see a spike in their libido.
And it becomes very high. And she’s like, like I remember when I was first on testosterone, I had like a three day window where Dan, I remember looking at Tony and I just, I’m like, is this what it feels like to be a 20-year-old guy? Because like, I can’t, I, I am thinking about all the time. And, and he just looked at me and he got big grin.
He is like, Uhhuh, this is awesome. Weird but awesome Uhhuh. And then it was three days and it, that went away. But, uh, um. But that can happen too, and it can be extended and that can change the relational dynamics. Mm-hmm. When her desire, when her libido spikes, if it’s been, you know, a place where generally he’s been higher desire, it can feel like this pendulum has swung and now we need to, to navigate who are we now?
Right. What does it look like for us? Right. That’s good. Alright. As we close this interview, please tell our listeners where they can go. ’cause I understand you teach courses on a lot of these things too. Mm-hmm. Where can people go to learn more about you? What you do, and just for the listeners they understand.
I also have a copy of your excellent book, six Pillars of Intimacy. Cool. So make sure you mention that in what you say. Absolutely. You know, the six pillars of intimacy is, and I’ll start there. It’s a framework. To look at marriage from a very holistic standpoint. And as the two of you are walking through the menopause journey, it can become a shared vocabulary for how you’re gonna navigate, for how you’re talking [00:35:00] about, wow, it feels like we haven’t gone on dates in a while.
Let’s address that. It feels like we haven’t had a conversation in a while. Our emotional, let’s address that. And so that is, that is the framework, that is the six pillars of intimacy, um, which you just mentioned, but more specifically around coming alongside wives who are just like. What do I do? Mm-hmm.
Where are my people? Who can I talk to about this? Um, I have offered to wives, literally around the country, around the world, a program called menopause Shouldn’t Suck Uhhuh because I realized, you know, here we are in this space where it’s gonna happen one way or another. We’re going through menopause.
What if collectively we as wives? Very, and it’s specifically for wives. Stepped into this place where we said, you know what? I’m gonna get educated on the physical aspects of what’s going on. I’m going to understand what’s happening with my emotions and why I’m all over the place. So it’s not just like crazy train rolled into my house and Uhhuh, I can’t.
Yeah. And I really wanted to focus on the relational aspects because it’s one thing to know that you need to, you know, people are saying, take your 10,000 steps and eat a hundred grams of protein a day. It’s a whole different beast. Mm-hmm. When we’re married and while all of the symptoms might be happening to her, there are actually two people in the house walking through this together.
And so I wanted to create a space, a community of wives who are just like, you know what, sisters in arms, we are facing this together. We’re gonna get through it together, uhhuh, and we’re actually going to be bolder and stronger on the other side as wives. Excited about the second hand. Not dreading it or rolling over and just waiting to die.
Right. So, and that can be found at menopause Shouldn’t suck.com. Love it. Very good. Well, thank you very much. Oh, you’re welcome. Thank you for, thank you for letting me share and for more importantly thank you for giving voice Yeah. To a topic like it’s important. Mm-hmm. We need to talk about it. Good. Yeah, very much so.
Thank you.
Dan: Thank you for listening to this episode, please share it along with our apps and timidly us. And just between us with their married friends. I promise they will thank you for life. If you want a more meaningful sexual and intimate connection in your marriage, I invite you to check out my, get your marriage on program.
Over a hundred couples have said this program packs tremendous value and has helped their intimacy grow to the next level. Now go get your marriage on.
