Sextember 2021 was AMAZING! Thank you to everyone that participated to make Sextember truly great. Sextember is when you spend the month of September focusing on improving intimacy in your marriage. Those that participated this month got to pick their own  daily intimacy challenges with their spouse. They were invited to take a before & after photo to document the increase in intimacy in their  marriages. These intimacy challenges included ways to pamper your spouse and yourself, ideas on how to conquer common challenges in marriage, and much more. 

Before the month started, we reached out to a bunch of our sexpert friends. They gave us their best, what we like to call, “sextimacy” tips- tips that help build your sexual intimacy in marriage! We wanted to share all of these tips with you to carry into your marriages year round. Let us know which tips you relate to the most in the comments!

Ruth Buezis of Awaken Love

  1. Be playful and use games! This is one of the least threatening ways to learn new things about yourself and your spouse. Games can help you explore and find new ways to connect. 
  2. MEN! This is for you! Men are often taught the lie that “they are supposed to know everything” and that’s simply not true. Play a game and connect!

Charlene Maugeri of Enduring All Things

3. Establish a safe space or a judgement free zone with your spouse about intimacy. 

4. Talk about it. Talk about what you want, what feels good, expectations, everything. 

5. Don’t put too much pressure on it. 

6. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. It’s important to be able to laugh when things don’t work. Naked bodies are weird and funny. 

7. Have a code word. When you’re in the mood, drop the word in a normal conversation, even around other people.

8. Schedule sex. It may not sound appealing or dun but scheduling it can give you something to look forward to.

9. Try something new. It’s always good to change things up a little.

Belah Rose of Delight Your Marriage

Husbands:

10. Firstly, husbands, give your wife grace. Think of the scariest thing you’ve done recently. Maybe it was your first day at a new job. Maybe it was leading a class at church. Maybe giving a presentation in front of strangers. Now, I want you to assume that adventuresome sexual intimacy for her provokes that kind of fear in her. It feels like the spotlight is on her. All of her flaws are out in the open. The pounds, the cellulite, and the stretch marks.  And her assumption (probably unfounded) is that you judge her for those “imperfections”. (Though when I work with men, that is almost always the last thing on their mind, they just want to make love to their amazing wife and want her to want it and to be confident in herself — more on that later). As a husband, if you can assume the reason the lights are off and the sheets are up is all due to her insecurity, it will help you know how to help her. Encourage her in a gentle, loving way. Acknowledge the times she’s “won” in the past. The daily opportunities you get to acknowledge her beauty (in a non-sexual way too!) because that is what provokes her to trust that you aren’t judging her. 

11. Watch your words about others. When you judge others good or bad–with comments like, “Wow, they really let themselves go!” or “What is she wearing?!” or “That’s an attractive woman”–that means to her that you are judging her, too. Accept her and work to accept her for who she is now so she can grow in a safe place.

Wives:

12. Dear wives, if your husband reads this he’ll really be able to help you feel confident, right? But, what if he doesn’t? What if he unfortunately get’s these things wrong, can you still be confident? I think we are not fixed humans and we can always grow. That’s my invitation to you. You can grow into a woman who is confident in her own skin and in her own sexiness. You can discipline your heart and mind toward truth and what is most important. When I think about the importance of sex, it helps me put my own insecurities and fears of looking silly aside. When I remember that loving my husband well, means being free in sex. 

13. First love him well then start to enjoy freedom in intimacy, seduction, and even fierce intimacy because of the thrill, the fun, and even pleasure of it all. Not to mention the deep connection with your husband you can get no other way.  It’s ok that you’re walking through scary and uncharted territory just “to make him happy”. But be okay that as you walk into the uncomfortable zones, you very well may be ultimately making yourself happy, too. 

Confidence

14. Your habits of thought moves you toward or away from confidence.  When you’ve been allowing a habit of lies (about yourself or body) to run rampant through your head throughout the day, when you get to the bedroom and consider lingerie or nakedness with the one person you actually would like to impress, you’re not going to feel relaxed and ready to strip down with peace. Make a decision to quit the insecurity. It takes a lot of effort at first but once your new routines are in place it becomes easy and even natural.

Laura Brotherson of Strengthening Marriage

15. “More marriages die of neglect than of anything else. Don’t forget Date Night!” (From Honeymoon to Happily Ever After, p. 249)

16. “Healthy sexuality isn’t just something you do. It’s something you are. It’s part of your wholeness.” 

17. “Foreplay begins the moment the previous lovemaking ends.” 

18. “Learning to manage your expectations and self-regulate may be the most important skills to develop for a healthy sexual relationship especially for husbands or the higher-desire spouse.”

19. “To develop a sexy state of mind, practice looking yourself in a mirror and saying, ‘Hi ya sexy!’” (Knowing HER Intimately, p. 15)

20. “Vacuum naked, even just in your locked bedroom, to overcome your insecurities and learn to be more comfortable with your body. You might also turn on some party tunes and dance naked in the shower.” (Knowing HER Intimately, p. 43)

Monica Tanner of On the Brighter Side of Marriage

21. In my 20 years of marriage, I’ve found that so much intimacy starts in the kitchen. The next time you are in the kitchen with your spouse, think about how you can use that opportunity to build intimacy. Give your partner a squeeze and a compliment. Offer to help with dinner or clean up. Start a conversation by sharing something you learned or experienced that day. Do a chore without being asked, like setting the table, taking out the trash or doing the dishes. Scrub the floor or organize the pantry together (clothing optional). Show appreciation and gratitude for whatever your spouse is doing to strengthen your home environment.

Joy Skarka

22. Clean out your bedroom and make it more inviting. 

23. Have a fashion show! As you’re cleaning out those closets, model your clothes for your spouse. My husband said seeing me put clothes on and take them off made the cleaning process fun and sexy. 

24. Focus on starting sex in the kitchen. As Dr. Kevin Leman says, too often we limit sex to what happens in the bed and we miss out on all of the smaller ways we can build intimacy.

25. Take showers together every morning or night. Since our wedding, my husband and I have taken showers together every night. My husband jokes that we need to “save water,” but in reality, we shower together because it is hard to be upset with someone you know you are going to be showering with later. 

26. Get creative when you have kids at home. If you have small kids, while they’re napping try to prioritize your own “nap.”

The Dating Divas

27. Be spontaneous and initiate. Don’t be afraid to initiate sex. It’s so much more than just physical. Sex isn’t just sex to fill a biological need. Sex is a major part of you express love. Sex helps you connect with one another. Focus on starting sex in the kitchen. As Dr. Kevin Leman says, too often we limit sex to what happens in the bed and we miss out on all of the smaller ways we can build intimacy. Be present! Forget about how you look. Your weight, outfit, hair, nails are irrelevant to many men and women when you’re being intimate. Sex is so much better when you enjoy it. One sided sex isn’t as good as when both of you are enjoying it! Be confident. Confidence is super sexy. Seeing your spouse be confident and desire you is always a plus!

Amberly Lambertson of A Prioritized Marriage

28. You have to COMMUNICATE on a deep level to build intimacy in your marriage. Sharing thoughts, dreams, desires, and pieces of your life that make you feel vulnerable will bring the two of you closer together and deepen your intimate connection.

29. Make time to HAVE FUN together every single day. Have a mini dance party, watch something funny, share a story from your day, or do something the two of you have always enjoyed together. Make time for fun in your marriage and you see your connection and intimacy deepen.

30. TRY SOMETHING NEW together regularly to build excitement and intimacy. The adventure and novelty that come from experiencing something new together have been shown to reignite the spark from the early days of your relationship. Try a new restaurant, plan a trip to explore someplace new, or move your romantic evening outside the bedroom.

We want to invite you to use these tips and others to make every day of your marriage special. Remember to focus daily on your marriage and continue to improve yourself each day as well. We can’t wait for Sextember again next year! We hope you are as excited as we are.