Editor’s Note: Keep in mind that the goal of sex is oneness and intimacy; connection AND pleasure. If you’re looking for tips on having an orgasm more frequently, this article is for you!
Female orgasm is one of the most pleasurable things humans can experience and comes with many benefits to your relationship and your health. However, learning how to reach sexual climax doesn’t come naturally for most women –it’s a learned behavior!
There are many reasons why women struggle to orgasm. In a 2018 study of over 52,000 adults, 95% of heterosexual men say they experience orgasm regularly during sex, compared to 65% of heterosexual women. The study goes on with this helpful insight:
“Compared to women who orgasmed less frequently, women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to:
- receive more oral sex
- have longer duration of last sex
- be more satisfied with their relationship
- ask for what they want in bed
- praise their partner for something they did in bed
- call/email to tease about doing something sexual
- wear sexy lingerie
- try new sexual positions
- anal stimulation
- act out fantasies
- incorporate sexy talk
- and express love during sex.
“Women were more likely to orgasm if their last sexual encounter included deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and/or oral sex in addition to vaginal intercourse. … The results suggest a variety of behaviors couples can try to increase orgasm frequency.”
In this post, we’ll discuss some specific things to consider when working towards learning how to orgasm. Ready? Here we come!
Unlocking Desire
The first step to regularly achieving orgasm is about attitude: admitting that you want to go there. Giving yourself permission to be sexual and to enjoy sex is key. Orgasm starts in your mind, not between your legs.
You may have a hard time admitting this to yourself or your spouse because of past sexual abuse. Sexual stimulation may be tied to bad experiences in your life. If this applies to you, know you are not alone and that there is hope that you can have a fulfilling sex life. Start by working through this trauma with your spouse and/or a counselor.
You may also feel shame or embarrassment talking about sex because of poor examples or teaching in your childhood. Start recognizing as an adult that sexual enjoyment is not shameful and it is right and good for you to experience it.
What Feels Good?
Take the time to explore your body. It’s important to understand your basic anatomy, as well as what pleases it. Self-exploration can take place in the presence of your husband. You can even work together, letting him touch you and you guide him with your words or your hands.
Some women take issue with self exploration, with the idea that masturbation is wrong. In this context, you’re not pleasing yourself just to “get off”. Rather, the purpose of this homework is to discover how your body works–you’re in the lab learning and exploring what feels good first hand (pun not intended :).
Your AMAZING Clitoris
It is normal to struggle to orgasm through penetration alone — a penis rubbing your vagina. It’s because the center of your sexual pleasure is actually your clitoris! No wonder why about 70% of women don’t experience orgasm from just intercourse. Most women need their clitoris stimulated.
Experiment with direct stimulation of your clitoris, either self-stimulation or from your husband. He can either use his hands, mouth, or use his penis like a paintbrush to stimulate this area. See if this kind of direct stimulation can get you to orgasm so that you can learn what your body needs to get there. For more specific ideas on clitoral stimulation, check out our blog post on Cunnilingus.
Arousal Patterns
Now that you understand your basic anatomy, it can help to also understand your hormones and their cycles. There are certain times during the month that your body is naturally aroused. Mark those days on your calendar and try to figure out the pattern. Plan an intimate night during those days. You have a better chance of orgasming when your body is already there.
Talk to your husband about your desires and expectations ahead of time. Admit to him that you want him to sexually please you. Tell him in advance what you would like to try in order to achieve that. During sex, share with him what is working and what is not. You’ll likely find that he will be happy to please you.
Get Yourself in the Mood
It’s normal for us ladies to take longer to get in the mood than it does our men. There are a lot of things you can do during the day that will get you excited about lovemaking. For most, working on your relationship overall is step zero. Feeling loved and cherished is a must for you to decide you want to be intimate with your husband.
Plan a night of romance. For most ladies, it takes a lot to have their first orgasm. If you are tired or pressed for time, it will cause you to feel distracted during intercourse. Take the time to plan a whole night for just the two of you. Schedule lots of uninterrupted time so that you can relax and ease into things.
The longer you feel sexually stimulated before you attempt to achieve climax, the more likely you will be successful. Plan your romantic encounter a few days in advance. Talk with your husband to stay celibate for those few days as a way to build sexual tension and desire.
Be sure you build anticipation about your night together. Intentionally think about the sex life you share with your spouse. Flirt hard with each other during those days. Let the anticipation build up so that you are ready.
Give Yourself Permission
Many women can require a lot of time. Go into that time with a playful attitude. Set expectations before hand and let your husband know that you may need a half an hour or longer to get there.
Give yourself permission to do what is needed so that you can reach orgasm. This may mean you have to move around and change your position. It could be that you need something done softer, harder, or longer. Communication is key.
Mind & Body Focus
It is very important that you keep your head in the game, otherwise, you will feel distracted and not be successful. If you start thinking of other things besides the pleasure you are experiencing, it can keep you from getting there.
Open your eyes and look at what is going on. If you can’t see exactly what is happening by looking down, use a mirror to assist you. Seeing what’s going on will help you to keep your head in the game. Besides, it is a huge turn on to see yourself being intimate.
Embrace Your Sexiness
Many women struggle with body image and feeling sexy. It’s normal to feel hesitant to show off your body. Learn to be comfortable with your body and sexuality outside of your husband. For example, take a little longer putting your clothes on after a shower or put on lingerie by yourself and look in the mirror. Give yourself permission to be sexual, and believe you are a person worth pleasuring. As much as you want to please your husband, also do what makes you feel sexy and excited. Believe me, the sexiest thing you can do for your husband is embrace your own sexuality.
Position Tips
It’s important to get the hood out of the way of the nerve endings in the clitoris so that you can become more aroused. The more aroused you get, the more your clitoris will swell and stick out of the hood. Try these to help open up your hood:
- Arch your back
- Lift your hips
- Use your ab muscles to pull your clitoris up
- Hang your head and shoulders off the bed while your husband is on top
- Lift your head back
- Use your fingers and open the lips of your vagina and pull your clitoris up (you don’t have to keep your hands there while having sex, but it can help get in the right position)
- Clench your butt and upper leg muscles
- Point your toes
- Do Kegel Exercises for Better Sex (Learn about these in the Intimately Us app!)
Change positions often. A position may work one day, but not the next. In fact, a position may work one minute and not the next. Be honest with your husband and tell him you need to move. It’s ok to tell him something he’s doing isn’t working.
Moaning and making noise will help you feel more turned on. Not only that, it allows you to breathe. While you are trying to reach orgasm, take many deep breaths. Be purposeful with your breathing. Take a deep breath in and then let it out.
Start With Light Stimulation and Build Gradually. To get aroused, start with light stimulation. This goes for direct stimulation with fingers, mouth, or toys, as well as intercourse. Too much too quickly can just irritate a wife’s clitoris instead of feeling good.
Wife in Control
It can be hard for a husband to know the exact movements his wife needs to orgasm. If the husband isn’t doing the right things at the right moment, it will make it hard for the wife to reach climax. For that reason, it can be a good idea for the husband to stop moving and the wife to control the movements.
Wife, you will need to move around and figure out what is feeling good to you. It won’t be the same motions every time you have sex. That is why you have to really listen to your body and move in ways that it feels good to you at that moment.
Use Licking Motions
Move up and down as though using a licking motion with your clitoris. Not necessarily a back and forth type of motion, but more like licking an ice cream cone type of motion.
Rub your clitoris up against whatever your husband is using to stimulate you: fingers, toy, mouth, body. Then break contact and move back down against the thing to the place you started. Then, rub your clitoris back up. This can allow you to get the right amount of stimulation without overstimulating.
It is important that while you are doing this up and down motion, that you pull your clitoris up. You should tighten that area as much as you can. For example, if your husband is using his finger, tongue, or penis, you should lean back and make an arch with your back. This will give the tension and angle you need to climax.
Squeezing your butt can really help as well as contracting your abs. It is not uncommon to have soreness in these areas the next day from the amount of contracting she will do to have an orgasm.
Expect Orgasms Regularly
While not usually an issue for men at all, this can be a mental barrier women face. Not expecting orgasm every time can lead to duty sex where the wife performs sex as a chore instead of experiencing sex as a joy. This quickly leads to resentment, which breaks down your sex life.
Instead, both spouses should expect that they will both have orgasms during sex on a regular basis. Women naturally expect their husband to orgasm. Men should adjust their mindset so that they also expect their wives to orgasm every time and work towards that goal.
Don’t Give Up
I say to the spouse that is struggling to enjoy sex- don’t give up! To the spouse that is married to someone that struggles to enjoy sex- don’t give up. This is part of the commitment that you made to them on their wedding day. You will be there with them no matter what.
Try new things, keep working at it, celebrate your victories, and ultimately, work towards great intimacy. If you want more help, check out our workshop How to Have an Orgasm (& Better Orgasms)
Lasting Longer for Men
There’s also the physical side of holding back. Here are three tips that will help you get there with her.
Multiple Positions. One way to make yourself last is to simply avoid being stimulated for a bit at the beginning. Try other methods of pleasing your wife – oral, manual, toys, etc. If your wife can climax through one of these means, try starting there and then switching up. Switching positions or techniques can prevent over-stimulation, and sometimes that variety itself can help in reaching multiples.
Flex your PC muscles. Flexing your pelvic floor muscles helps you last longer in bed. If you aren’t familiar with your PC muscle group, you need to get familiar. The Intimately Us app has a guide for Kegel exercises. You can do some quick research, but basically it’s the muscles that control the flow of urine as well as climax. To find them, try to stop peeing midstream. The muscles you flex to do so are the ones you want to work out.
Grinding The Corn is a position that is designed to directly stimulate your wife, but a small modification also helps with the stamina part of the equation. The position as described at the link above calls for actually moving in and out. Forget the in and out, thereby increasing the time you can last.
Instead, engage all the way with your wife and align your pubic bones. It will be similar to missionary, but you will be slightly higher up your wife’s body than usual. A simple rocking motion can stimulate your wife in this position. With a little attention, you should be able to find a position and rocking motion that virtually eliminates your stimulation.
Have fun and Get Your Marriage On!
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