There’s a lot of anxiety in our culture around sexuality in general. And within the topic of understanding one’s sexuality, there’s even more cultural anxiety around masturbation.
I’ve personally had lots of questions around masturbation, and I’m glad to report that I’m not alone – I get many DMs on our Instagram and emails asking sincere questions about this sexual behavior.
I asked Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, one of my favorite marriage and sex experts, to share her insights on the topic. I learned so much from her! Instead of, “Is this particular sexual behavior ok?” there’s a better question to ask instead – which you’ll get to hear in this episode.
I also learned the value of self-definition for expanding one’s sexual agency, in other words, gaining your own testimony so-to-speak and committing to living your life with honesty and integrity to your highest and best values.
What We Cover in This Episode
When it comes to masturbation—and sexuality in general—most of us are taught to ask, “Is this particular behavior okay?” Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife offers a more useful question: what is actually being created between you and your spouse? Is it expansive and loving, or is it using and self-protective? We explore sexual agency and “self-definition”—the move from simply inheriting beliefs to claiming your own—and why developing that kind of integrity, rooted in your highest values, is what brings real peace with your sexuality.
Key takeaways
- A better question than “Is this okay?” is “What is this creating between us?”
- Sexual agency grows through self-definition—claiming your values rather than just inheriting them.
- Jennifer draws on developmental stages: impulsive, socialized, and finally self-authoring.
- Much anxiety around sexuality comes from wanting someone else to tell us what’s allowed.
- Peace comes from living with honesty and integrity to your highest and best values.
To keep exploring, consider whether it’s okay to want sex, work on healing sexual shame, and find peace when your faith and sexuality feel at odds.
If you want guidance growing into greater sexual agency and integrity in your marriage, our Next Level program can help.
