We all understand that pleasure is an important part of intimate sex. However, we often demote pleasure to second or third place in terms of importance when it comes to the bedroom. Imagine if you could learn how to let time with your spouse be pleasurable all the time- if it could be something you look forward to, something that nourishes you.
When it comes to pleasure, a lot of what we feel and what we project comes from our mindset. Danielle Savory, a trained neuroscientist and life coach who helps people (specifically women) discover how to tune into their pleasure and find more of it in their lives, helped us understand this fact. Our mindset is huge when it comes to pleasure, and learning how to use our mindset can lead to literally ‘mind’-blowing sex!
Lack of Desire
According to Danielle, the #1 thing people are missing in their sex lives is desire. This doesn’t mean that they have a lack of wanting connection or wanting to be together. It’s just that when it comes to sex, they feel too tired. Wanting to want it, but just not wanting it at the end of the day. Fatigue plays a big role in this lack of desire.
These people tend to settle with how things are because they don’t know that it can be different, that it can be better! However, they don’t feel like it is settling because they simply don’t know that there is a whole other world out there waiting for them, where intimacy can be different and can be better.
Sex is often seen as something that we are doing or giving to and for our spouses rather than something pleasurable for ourselves and for our own wholeness. We settle for less when we engage sexually only because our spouse enjoys it, rather than it feeling good for ourselves as well. We need to realize that our thoughts, our mindset, and our beliefs all influence sex. And letting these things influence us negatively is affecting our ability to have truly great sex.
Training Our Minds
You have to start by creating a container for the pleasure to enter and this won’t happen if you are constantly shutting yourself out. If you do not create a container for that pleasure then it is going to be fleeting. You need a space for that pleasure to live and be. These containers may be mental and they may be physical. You may have a container in your home where pleasure is able to happen, or a place in your mind where you need to go in order to feel that pleasure you are seeking.
You will need to find a way to diminish the mental obstacles in your mind, as well as reset your body to get back into a place where you’re able to connect with pleasure. Once you have reset your body and started overcoming those mental obstacles that are blocking your pleasure capacity from growing, you will start to notice a great difference in the way you experience pleasure.
One thing that will quickly shut down your body’s capacity for pleasure is shame. Developing an awareness to what you’re believing that is creating so much shame will help you meet those feelings with more love and compassion. Every single thing you are thinking consciously or not is going to create a reaction in the body that is either going to have you leaning into sex and your partner, or closing up and shying away.
Neglecting Our Biggest Sex Organ
When you think of your biggest sex organ, do you think of your brain? Because that’s what it is! Just as we can strengthen our muscles through exercise, we can strengthen our mind through practice.. And there are different muscles within the brain that we need to focus on as well.
While we work on our mindset for pleasure, we are working on the focus muscle of our brain- noticing when it has wandered and having the skill to bring it back. Trying to do this for the first time during sex is like trying to tell your body to relax for the first time during child birth. It simply isn’t going to work! You have to practice relaxing before childbirth to help yourself during, just as you need to practice bringing your thoughts back before you’re in the middle of having sex. Give yourself the gift of learning how to focus your brain with other practices not while having sex so that it becomes easily accessible during the act of sex.
In order to put pleasure in its proper place and start recognizing and enjoying intimate moments with your partner more frequently, you need to have a growth mindset. This means you need to be willing to grow and change. There are things you may be doing that may be hindering your pleasure capacity, and recognizing those so you can move through them is going to make a huge difference in your long term pleasure.
You will have to put in some work to discover what you like and what your partner likes, but this work will all be worth it when you are able to achieve mind blowing sex. Take a look at your thoughts and accept the negative thoughts you have towards this discovery are optional. A big belief people struggle with is feeling dirty as they explore different ways to feel sexual pleasure. Realizing this thought is optional, and that you can change this thought that was put into you in the way you were raised, will help you be able to realize your pleasure potential.
You have to learn to change your scripts in your mind toward your sex life. It’s not necessarily that the scripts you have are good or bad. You just need to think “Is this going to get me where I want to be?” “Does it line up with my intention here?” Asking yourself these questions will help you know if the scripts in your mind are helping or hurting you in your path to pure pleasure.
Play with the pleasure scale and see what is possible for your body. Try some new things, and be open to the feelings that come with them. Recognize if they are good or bad feelings and adjust from there. Realize that you should never approach sex as a “have to”, but rather as a “want to”. Don’t let your sex life be the leftovers of your life, just squeezing it in because you feel the need. Prioritize your sex life and everything else will fit into it.
The tips shared with us from Danielle Savory today are just a few of the many things she can help you learn when it comes to mindset growth. If you want to learn more about her, you can find her coaching program at daniellesavory.com called Better Sex in 90 Days. You can also follow her on Instagram @danielle.savory – The Sex Coach for Women. She also has a podcast called It’s My Pleasure that you can check out for more tips like the ones above!
Like what you heard? Be sure to listen to the full podcast episode here! And be sure to download the Intimately Us app, the fun and sexy app for your marriage! It’s full of games, connecting activities, and ideas to increase connection and pleasure in the bedroom.