Male and female sexuality are different, but they complement each other in beautiful ways.
I was standing in front of a group of 20 other couples, who had quickly become friends, at our last marriage retreat in March. It was the third day of the retreat, and I was leading a discussion about one of my favorite topics: improving sexual intimacy in marriage, specifically how to understand your own erotic nature better.
Understanding the Biggest Turn-On for Men
I asked the men in the room, “What’s the biggest turn-on for men?”
Without hesitation, John (not his real name) raised his hand and said, “Being with a woman that’s turned on.”
All the men in the room agreed and applauded. And he’s right. Dr. Esther Perel, a renowned therapist and researcher, backs this up: For men, being with a turned-on woman is the biggest turn-on.
Shifting Focus to Women’s Turn-Ons
And then came my next question:
“If the biggest turn-on for a man is to be with a turned-on woman, ladies, what would you say is the biggest turn-on for women? Is it being with a turned-on man?”
All the women laughed and shook their heads. That sounded ridiculous to them. For most women, seeing their husband super turned on and ready to go isn’t a turn-on.
What Women Really Find Arousing
If you were there, how would you have answered?
I was highlighting a critical difference between male and female sexuality. What is a turn-on to most men is NOT a turn-on to most women!
“So what is the biggest turn-on for women?” I asked.
“Knowing that I matter and am cared for just as I am,” said one woman.
“Being able to relax into my own body and not have to worry about taking care of someone else for a moment,” said another wife.
“Knowing that I’m attractive to him and that I am the reason why he’s turned on in the first place,” said another.
The women in the room were nodding in agreement now.
The Key Takeaway
The takeaway is that the biggest turn-on for a woman is knowing she is his turn-on and that she doesn’t have to caretake others during sex.
Try It in Your Marriage
Try this out in your marriage this week and let me know how it goes! Ladies, give yourself full permission to be the center of whatever pleasurable experience you want with zero guilt.
Understanding and embracing these differences can bring a deeper connection and fulfillment to your intimate life. So, take a moment to appreciate the complementary nature of your desires and how they can beautifully align to enhance your relationship.
