I recently revisited a book that shifted the way I think about sex. Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz and Dr. Dana Menard, sex researchers from the University of Ottawa, took a different approach than most studies on sexual intimacy. Instead of focusing on problems, they asked a more exciting question:
What makes a fantastic sexual experience so fantastic?
Their research uncovered several key factors—many of them unsurprising, like emotional connection and genuine liking for one another. But two insights stood out to me:
1: Being fully present in your body – This means experiencing sensations, emotions, and touch without distraction—no overthinking, no self-consciousness, just pure presence.
2: Being highly attuned to your spouse’s experience – When you’re deeply present, you naturally become more aware of your spouse’s pleasure, emotions, and responses.
A Simple Experiment to Try This Weekend
If you want to deepen your sexual experience, try this: Before getting intimate, pause. Take a few slow, deep breaths and bring your awareness to your body. Much like a mindfulness exercise, scan yourself from head to toe, noticing every sensation. Once you feel centered, begin engaging with your spouse.
If you catch yourself getting lost in your head—overanalyzing, worrying, or getting distracted—pause for a moment, re-center, and then continue.
And while you’re having fun, tune into your spouse’s experience. What do they seem to be feeling? What small shifts make them respond with delight? This simple awareness can transform intimacy into something far deeper.
Practice in Everyday Moments
These skills don’t just enhance sex; they make everyday moments sweeter.
For instance, next time you hug your spouse, try this:
💛 Go in for a long embrace.
💛 As you hug, relax into your body, feeling the warmth and pressure of the connection.
💛 At the same time, tune into your spouse’s experience—how their body responds, their breathing, the energy between you.
Presence and attunement can make hugs, conversations, and every touch more meaningful. And when you bring these skills into the bedroom? Well, let’s just say—your connection might reach a whole new level.
