The number one libido killer is stress. And experiencing stress from time to time is just a part of life; however, there are skills out there that’ll help you manage it better.
One of the black belt sex tips I often teach is a concept called “calm the heck down,” which, if you’ve listened to my podcast for a while, you’ll see this theme popping up often. It’s the ability to settle down within your own skin and be fully present in the moment. This, along with a few other skills, are essential to learning how to deeply emotionally connect with another person that you absolutely love.
So I’m excited for our guest today: Denita Bremmer. She is an expert in somatics, which is a fancy word for the intersection of the mind, body and spirit. And she teaches how to listen to your body in a way that grounds and connects you so that you can reach new levels of love and intimacy in your relationships.
By the end of this episode, you’ll walk away with the following:
- Fresh ideas on how to create more safety within yourself and in your relationships
- How to better metabolize stress
- Work through and heal a history of trauma
- How to work with your body instead of against your body as a tool to help you deeply connect with others.
And, of course, listen to the end for Denita is fantastic black belt sex tip!
Coming up . . .
Couples Retreat – An intensive, romantic, and life-changing weekend that will strengthen your marriage and sexual intimacy.
Virtual Lovemaking Retreat – Easily accessible due to its virtual nature, this retreat on February 14th-15th is the perfect Valentines gift to you and your spouse! (Starts today! You can also register and get the recording to use another time.)
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Episode 227
Dan: A very Happy Valentine’s day everyone! Thank you for tuning in. I believe that the work we’re doing together on this podcast is very important work, and I hope you’re inspired to be a better person. And church those close to you as. A result of listening. The number one, Iibido killer is stress. Stress is an interesting thing to think about because you really can’t live without feeling stressed from time to time.
It’s a part of life. Or are there skills out there that’ll help you manage it better? One of the black belt s*x tips. I often teach is a concept called calm the heck down, which if you’ve listened to my podcast for a while, you’ll see this theme popping up often. It’s the ability to settle down within your own skin and be fully present in the [00:01:00] moment. This along with a few other skills are essential to learning how to deeply emotionally connect with another person that you absolutely love. So I’m excited to bring on my guest today.
Her name is Denita Bremmer. She is an expert in somatics, which is a fancy word for the intersection of the mind, body and spirit. She teaches others how to listen to your body in a way that grounds and connects you so that you can reach new levels of love and intimacy in your relationships. By the end of this episode, you’ll walk away with fresh ideas on how to create more safety within yourself and in your relationships, how to better metabolize stress. Work through and heal a history of trauma. And how to work with your body instead of against her body, as a tool to help you deeply connect with others.
And of course, Listen to the end for Denita is fantastic. Black belt sex tip.
If you’re looking for something really in-depth and transformative for your marriage, you don’t want to miss our upcoming [00:02:00] in-person couples retreat.
The dates are March 26 through 30. During this retreat, you and your spouse will get to do a deep dive into your marriage. Dynamic. Get real tools to help you with intimacy. And you’ll draw closer together. Like nothing else. That’s not all we mixed up with a fun and engaging atmosphere and activities in a, at a beautiful resort, beautiful setting.
And that’s limited to just a small group. And as of this writing, we just have one spot left. Perhaps you’d like to take this last spot.
All right. Let’s get into this interview with Anita.
Danita, welcome to the Get Your Marriage On podcast. I am really looking forward to this episode. I think there’s so much wisdom and what you have to share. Anyway, to start us off, tell me about a sudden realization you’ve had lately, maybe in your own marriage, maybe in your own sex life, for that matter.
Denita: Yeah. So I have been the lower desire partner for my entire marriage. And recently, probably a couple months ago, I [00:03:00] realized that I was the initiator,
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: all of my research about sex and learning, you know, high desire, low desire, all these things, I always associated initiation with the higher desire.
Dan: hmm.
Denita: I think subconsciously, I knew I was the lower desire. And so I was like, well, I’m not the initiator.
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: And I think we just got to a place in our marriage where we’re kind of maybe going through the motions a little bit. And we’re both frustrated about things for different reasons. And I ha I don’t even remember what sparked this, but I had this realization that I am actually the initiator in my marriage, not just in sex, but
just in, you know, Most areas of marriage. I am the one that says, Hey, maybe we should think about this. Hey, I’ve been thinking about that. And I’m the one that kind of starts us down the path. For example. I wanted to buy a second house and Airbnb
Dan: Uh [00:04:00] huh. my husband was very resistant and I was like, I really think we need to do this. And so we did it and it ended up being, it’s a great experience.
Denita: It’s been a great experience, but I was the one to kind of like get it started and to really push for it. And when I started noticing that I was like, Oh, I’m the one to usually initiate things. I started thinking about sex and I was like, Ooh, this doesn’t go with how I identify myself.
Dan: huh. Uh And so it has kind of changed how I approach sex.
Denita: And it has, I think, I, I think it really has just opened me up.
Dan: Gotcha. So what conclusions do you draw from that realization? Uh huh. Uh huh. first of all, that I, I like didn’t consciously realize that it was possible to be the lower desire and to be the initiator. Now that I have this realization, I’m like, of course it’s possible. but just, I think we, we make a lot of assumptions. It’s about dynamics. And so I’m trying to undo some of those assumptions [00:05:00] that I’ve made in my own marriage. And also just like the role identity plays in my marriage and in my sex life. Like I just never saw myself as an initiator. And now in the last few months and seeing myself, I’m like kind of leaning into this energy of, Oh, I do initiate, I do start things usually in a response to something.
Denita: Um, so it’s just kind of brought up. Some new dynamics within myself and I’m still exploring it, to be
Dan: That’s great. Identity is a powerful, powerful, function for good or for ill in any marriage, too. So I’m glad you’re catching on that. And speaking of assumptions, I want to hear more about your story and the assumptions you used to have that now You see things differently. How did you get into this field of somatics and helping couples improve their sex lives through somatic work?
Denita: Yeah, well, I [00:06:00] got into somatic work just from being my first client. So I’m
also a life coach and certified through the life coach school a million years ago and was really intent on that, like thought work angle.
I, I was, I bought into the idea that like thoughts could save us from everything.
Dan: Yes, just so change your thoughts and you’ll change your life. Uh huh.
Denita: Yeah. And I, like, I wanted it to be the case. I just thought if that’s true, then my life is going to get so much easier. This is, you know, not that it’s easy, but it didn’t work. it didn’t really work.
Right. And I was really good at that work. And I was working with a coach actually on my business.
Dan: Mm hmm.
Denita: kind of in the marketing area of my business. And she was probably the first coach I worked with that was really truly trauma informed and could kind of sense things that I didn’t sense. And [00:07:00] she, she planted a few seeds by asking, like, Have you ever thought about dealing with your past trauma,
which my childhood and growing up years, I have a lot of trauma that happened during that time. And I would kind of brush her off and be like, well, that has nothing to do with my business. And then one day she asked me, we were doing some like future me work.
And she asked me like, when you, when you just think about your future five or 10 years out. What do you see? And I was very surprised that I saw myself speaking on a stage,
Dan: huh.
Denita: but it was like the audience was all ready for me. They were silent, maybe some coughs here and there.
I was on the stage, the spotlight was on me and I felt naked. I felt like this pressure to perform, but I didn’t know what to say. And I was just like, Oh, like my voice wouldn’t come out. And when I recognized that in that coaching session. [00:08:00] I just knew I was like, this is trauma.
Dan: Mm
Denita: This is trauma that I’m not going to be able to thought work my way out of this because this is like a feeling in my body that consciously is not related to any thought.
Dan: It seems a little irrational in the moment. Uh huh.
Denita: Yeah. And, and so that was a big kind of aha moment for
me. And pretty immediately I sought out a trauma coach. Um, I’m not opposed to therapy, but I’m just kind of in the coaching world.
So. I found a trauma coach and her practice, her coaching of me was almost no mindset, no talking about what I was thinking and feeling. And almost all just being in my body, describing what’s happening in my body, following urges to move certain ways. And I worked with her for about six months
Dan: hmm.
Denita: and I made more personal progress in those [00:09:00] six months.
Like I actually Started to feel different
Dan: huh.
Denita: versus the four and a half years previous to that, that I’d been doing mindset and been a coach. And it just, it really blew my mind. Right. and so I started thinking, well, if this changed me so much, then I want to learn these tools and I want to bring them to my clients. Um, I actually don’t work with couples, but I work with individuals and Any, any topic is available. And I do find the topic of sex weaves its way through almost all the coaching. I do couple thoughts about this, but. One of them is that sexuality comes online at the same time as our identity circuit in our
brain.
And so because identity is so important and so much at the center of everything we think and feel and do, I think sort of sexuality and self expression and relationship, all of those themes come together in, [00:10:00] in sexuality.
Dan: That’s good. Great.
Denita: Yeah, so that’s how I got into somatic work. And the deeper I go, the more I love it.
And the more I gain a testimony of the effectiveness of it, so
Dan: So some people may have not even heard the word somatic, and they might be thinking something that’s not. Can you clarify for us? What is, what do you mean by the somatics, or,
Denita: yeah, so Soma means body.
So somatic work is just body based work
in, in contrast to mindset work. Mindset is really focused on the
thoughts and what thought are you having and what are the relationships between the thoughts and the feelings and the actions. Somatic work is really more of the sensation level or the emotion level happening in the body in that given moment.
Thanks. Bye. And bringing more awareness to the body and bringing the body’s wisdom more to the table with the logical mind wisdom.
So it’s not that we want to like [00:11:00] throw away the logical mind. We need that. And as humans, that’s how we navigate the world through our thoughts, but we just want At least my purpose as a coach with many of my clients is to, to understand what’s happening in the body and the wisdom that the body has bring that more to the top instead of shoving it down and ignoring it,
which I think in our culture, we often do.
Dan: Which doesn’t make us feel safe. Can you talk more on safety, and why safety is so important, especially in intimate encounters? And what you’ve learned about somatic work in that context.
Denita: Yeah, for sure. So when I start working with someone, safety is always the first thing we work on we can’t really make any changes or gain a whole lot of awareness if their body is on high alert and doesn’t feel safe.
Dan: Mm hmm.
Denita: So that’s always the first thing. It doesn’t even matter if we’re talking about sex or intimate relationships or relationships in general, we need to create a [00:12:00] baseline of safety in all of, I, I guess my opinion is safe.
And all of self development work, really, um, because if you’re in that, like, fight or flight mode, there’s a whole part of your brain that is going to be inaccessible
Dan: hmm.
Denita: and probably entire parts of your body as well. Right. so from like a nervous system point of view, we want to get to that place where we feel kind of this calm aliveness, this place where we can kind of rest. But we’re not like asleep, right? We can still function.
Dan: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Denita: And safety is, I think, always the first step, safety between client and practitioner, which then translating into intimate relationships is safety between all the people in those relationships.
Dan: hmm.
Denita: I just think it has to be the foundation. From which we work or else we might not be getting kind of the real full person in front of us.[00:13:00]
Right.
It might be them through the lens of I feel like I have to get away or I feel like I have to fight or I feel like I don’t have enough resources. So I shut down.
Right. And so it’s like, we want to know in our marriages, in our sex lives, we want to know that other person and who they really are and what their real intentions are.
So that has to come from a place of safety. I will say that. We live in a very stressed world,
Dan: huh. Uh huh. Yes.
Denita: of our world. And Yabbermonte says that if you want to literally like induce trauma, you would set the same parameters that we see in Western culture. So it’s an interesting conversation to have about safety when so much of our world.
And
I think what sometimes we try to do is we try to create safety from that place of stress instead of [00:14:00] following the stress response, coming out of the stress response and then feeling into the safety. And I almost think that we do ourselves a disservice. I understand why we do it because there is so much stress in our lives and we’re just like. I just want to be able to relax. I just want to be able to feel safe. Right. But the way we approach it, I don’t think is always effective.
Dan: a story about that?
Denita: Well, kind of my whole life is a story about that.
Like basically my growing up years, my home was not safe. There were very, like there were moments.
Dan: hmm. Mm hmm. Mm
Denita: but it was very chaotic. My parents were drug addicts and alcoholics, and I just never knew what to expect. And so, especially as I got to be a teenager and an older teenager, my whole motivation in life
was to get away from home.
Like get to college, create a life for [00:15:00] myself.
That’s different than my parents, which was very much, you know, blue collar paycheck to paycheck type of financial situation. It was like, whatever my parents were doing, I’m going to do the opposite. So they’re both high school dropouts. I’m going to graduate valedictorian.
They, they don’t go to church.
I’m going to be like the most.
Faithful person. Yes. Righteous person. Um, they didn’t go to college. I’m going to go to college. So everything was in relation to that, which was very much like this flight response. All right, so I’m trying to get to safety and trying to get to safety and really my entire life.
Like
Dan: And it’s a form of rebellion too. Right?
Denita: it’s kind of a form of rebellion. I didn’t see it that way at the time it, I think I saw my parents as the rebellious
Dan: Right. Uh huh.
Denita: Um, but it was very much like. I don’t want a life like what they have.
And so what I realized years and years later [00:16:00] was that that’s its own form of prison, right? If, if every decision I make was like against what they did and what I got caught up in was this belief that If I just lived life, the quote unquote right way, then I would feel safe.
Then I would feel good. Then I would feel whole. And so I, I was basically just like running my whole life to the next thing. Like, okay, got to graduate from college. I got to get married. Okay. Maybe if I have kids, right. It was just like the next thing, the next thing, the next thing. Until I got to this point. There’s actually a moment I remember
I was sitting on my dining room floor. My kids were about seven and four and two.
Dan: huh. Uh
Denita: And I’m looking around seeing the crumbs on the floor and like, looking, looking at these babies of mine and being like, They’re so awesome. They’re so beautiful and strong and healthy and [00:17:00] smart.
but then contrasting that to like, why do I feel so empty inside? Like, why do I feel so miserable? And I remember like sending a prayer up and being like, God, show me how to be joyful because I don’t know how to do it. And I think that was kind of this, this moment where. I kind of realized like I have everything.
I’ve got a great husband. I’ve got a home in the suburbs. We have money in the bank. Our kids are healthy. Like all the boxes were checked.
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: So I was like trying to get to this safe place, this calm place by like doing.
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: But it was completely out of that stress response. Like I was just constantly like revved up.
Dan: Yeah huh.
Denita: And so once I started learning about the nervous system and trauma responses, it made a lot of sense to me why I was doing that and why it wasn’t working.
Dan: Give us like a [00:18:00] two minute tutorial on the nervous system.
Denita: Okay. So when, when I talk about the nervous system, the part of the nervous system we’re talking about is the autonomic nervous system.
Dan: right? Uh
Denita: And that’s the part of your nervous system that does it like automates all of your functions, your heart rate, your breathing, all of that. The other thing it does on auto is search for dangers,
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: right?
So it’s the part of your nervous system that we hear about fight, flight, or freeze. And now there are some other Fs like fawn,
Dan: And other F words too, uh
Denita: words too. Yeah. Yeah. Um, And so this and this is not a thought process. This is very much just your body in a split second in a microsecond determining based on the environment based off of previous experiences. This is safe or this is not
right.
This is a danger. And and when we do perceive a danger. It doesn’t even have to be a real danger. It just has to be perceived as a danger. [00:19:00] We go into that fight or flight mode, that activated mode.
Dan: uh huh,
Denita: So norm, like first step is we fight. If we feel like we can’t overcome the threat, then we try to run away.
And if neither of those are available, then we freeze. We’re kind of overcome,
Dan: uh huh,
Denita: right? We don’t have enough resources to, to deal with the threat. So the freeze, the fun is like, I learned it as like a subset of the freeze, which is if I don’t have enough resources to fight or to run. Then I’ll befriend,
I’ll befriend my threat.
So that’s usually in relationship. We’re not going to like befriend a bear.
Dan: uh huh,
Denita: Right. Um, but we do see this a little bit in the animal kingdom, uh, horses, usually animals that are in hierarchies
will show some of this kind of fawning response where there’ll be like, um, yes. Yeah. So, so we see a little bit of that.
So that’s basically what we’re respond, what we’re [00:20:00] talking about when we’re talking about. The nervous system, there are actually other systems in place, but when practitioners like myself talk about the nervous system, we’re really talking about this automatic part of our nerves and brain system that work together to keep us safe.
Dan: gotcha. So, is it just a matter of learning how to calm down the nervous system? Uh huh. Uh
Denita: That is what people think, but the idea that we just always want to be calm is actually kind of not quite right. What we want to do is we want to be able to meet. The threats or whatever is in our environment properly. So like, if you’re out walking and you see a snake, you don’t actually want to be calm. You want to like get away, right? And so we, we want to be able to meet our environments, our relationships, our inner worlds, even with like the proper responses, the [00:21:00] appropriate response. So when I was 15, my parents were fighting. They fought all the time, but this is one particular instance. And I, I had a boyfriend at the time. And of course, being a 15 year old and a teenager, I wanted to hang out with my friends and my boyfriend more than I wanted to be at home. And so they were fighting about that, about how I didn’t like to be at home and I didn’t want to do my chores, something in that realm. And my dad was really upset and he was like, well, she should, she should stay home and she should do this.
And my mom was kind of defending me. And I was listening to all of this from my bedroom and you know, I’m 15. I’m not like a little kid anymore. And so I kind of had this inkling, like I should go out there and I should give my point of view. And I was a little scared. My dad is a scary guy. And, I don’t know, something just was like, you should go out there. So I went out into the living room. [00:22:00] Um, and I, I don’t even remember exactly what I said, but I think I was like, well, can I give my point of view? And they both were like, okay. And so I said something about how I felt or what was my truth, you know, about that situation. And I had this, I would call it like a spiritual prompting this knowing that my dad was going to walk across the room and try to slap me across the face, which he had never done before. But it was just this, like, that’s what he’s going to do. Like, he’s just in the state. He’s very angry. And that’s exactly what he, he tried to do. But because I knew about it, like I just sensed it, I stepped out of the way and he barely like his fingertip touched my chin. And, the reason why I say that, like why I mentioned that story was because. The threat, my dad being this angry, big man, like I wouldn’t have wanted to just like sit down and be quiet. Like, that’s kind of [00:23:00] what I did my whole childhood is I tried to stay invisible
out of the way, just like appease my parents. But for whatever reason, in this moment, I really felt like I need to go speak up.
I need to. You know, tell them my part of the story. And so it was like this fight. I could feel it inside of me, this energy. And at the time I thought it was fear.
I really
Dan: uh huh,
Denita: But years later, after doing some somatic work and working through some trauma stuff, I realized it was power that I was
Dan: uh huh,
Denita: And so I was meeting this perceived threat of my dad being really upset and angry with my own power. Right. And in that, like, there was also, there’s also like a spiritual side of this, right? Where I felt like, and at the time I wasn’t going to church, so I didn’t feel particularly close to
Dan: uh huh, uh huh,
Denita: but I did feel like the spirit [00:24:00] had given me this warning. And even from the beginning, it was like, you need to go say something. And so I was. Yeah. It was like power was just flowing through me that like this raw, almost like electricity that buzzes.
Dan: uh huh,
Denita: And so I met my dad, my perceived threat with that, instead of with like trying to run away or trying to, befriend or. Be calm or whatever.
Right. And, and it worked. Right. So like whatever I needed in that moment, this knowing came to me, I stepped back. He didn’t slap me on the face. And I looked at him and very calmly. Yeah. I said, you will never touch me again.
Dan: uh huh,
Denita: And he has never touched me again. He, he, I mean, I got spanked as a kid, but he’d never tried to like slap me across the face or anything like that.
And so like, it was, it was a very adult moment in my life where I like said the thing that needed to be said. And I responded in a [00:25:00] very mature way. I wasn’t like super emotional or like out of control in any way. And that is what that moment. needed,
Dan: mm hmm,
Denita: right? Because then after that, he just stepped back and it was like, it was completely diffused. So I guess that’s an example. I also think of examples like when someone we’re in relationship with maybe is being very emotional.
Sometimes the inclination is to be like, well, you just need to do this and you need to do that and try to like fix, but often what they need is for us just be there and listen and like feel with
them.
Dan: huh,
Denita: Um, this might not really fit into that like nervous system states, but it’s the, the concept or the principle of, you know, meeting the situation with what it needs instead of what our response is, what our default response might be.
Dan: Do you have a story of when your husband did that for you?
Denita: Yeah. I mean, [00:26:00] as you can probably tell from my couple stories here, my growing up life was not fantastic. Right.
And there have been so many times when I have been very upset or distraught over my relationships, particularly with my dad or my sisters. My mom passed away when I was 20 years old. Um,
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: Where he has just not tried to fix where he’s literally just said nothing, giving me a hug. Let me cry. Let me feel all the things. And I’ll tell you, he’s an engineer and he sucks at that
Dan: Uh
Denita: the time.
Dan: He wants to fix it. Uh huh.
Denita: Yeah,
he does. He wants to fix
Dan: a mind for it. Uh
Denita: But I think there are moments when he just knows this isn’t fixable, right?
Where he has. He has really let me just feel what I need to feel, say what I need to say, and just listen.
And that, speaking of safety, that has felt really safe to me. Like, [00:27:00] that has, I think, developed a lot of safety in our relationship.
Dan: And correct me if I’m wrong, but on the other end of that, being a husband and stereotypically like to fix things, as I really think about it, and if I really pay attention to what’s going on inside my body, I’m anxious that my wife is upset. And so my moves to try to fix the situation really is more about me trying to calm myself down by calming her down than it is about meeting what she really needs in the moment.
Because sometimes the solution is to fix it, but it’s done out of that’s what’s needed for her, less about so that I can start feeling peace again. Because I, I get upset that she’s upset, if that makes sense.
Denita: Yeah. And we would, in the psychology world, we would call that codependency.
Dan: Yeah, I suppose a form of that. Yeah.
Denita: yeah, it’s a form of codependency when we
Dan: We need you to calm down so I calm down, right,
Denita: Exactly. I mean, really, we usually think of codependency in the context of like [00:28:00] addiction, right? Where we need the addict to be a certain way so that we can feel good. Um, which, you know, It’s probably true in my experience because my parents were addicts, but even to a lesser extent when I worked with my first somatic coach, she pointed that out to me and I was a little ruffled by it. I was like, I am not codependent, but she kind of was like, Well, if you’re always wanting your husband to be okay and to not be upset, to not be angry, and your role, my role was to like assuage his emotions. That is a version of codependency,
Dan: yes,
Denita: right,
And so I had to work pretty hard at like letting him be angry or upset, usually around a sports Cause like this, just like the air in the house when, you know, his team isn’t winning or whatever. It’s like so tense. And I did not like [00:29:00] to feel that way. So I like to come in and be like, well, that’s okay, there’ll be another game or whatever I would say.
Right.
Dan: uh huh, uh huh,
Denita: And I, I had to like consciously stop doing that. And it was so uncomfortable.
Dan: yeah,
Denita: was very uncomfortable to let him just be how he was. And for me to just tend to my own experience, that is some hard work there.
Dan: yeah, it is hard work.
Denita: Yeah.
Dan: you give us any tips on how to metabolize stress, uh
Denita: Yes. So stress is an active response. It would be classified without like fight or flight in most cases. and what the active response really wants and needs to come out of that active response is movement. And this was kind of, when I learned this, it kind of blew my brain open. Cause I was like, what? Cause I think I was doing the opposite when I would get stressed or activated. I would try to calm
myself.
Dan: down more, right, [00:30:00] uh huh, uh huh,
Denita: And so through practice, I learned that what my body really wanted was like, I need to go for a walk. I need to like runner, like pace my room. Or sometimes we talk about shaking, right? It’s just like this energy.
So now when I notice that active energy, I allow myself to move. And inevitably through the movement, I kind of come down from it. I’m like, Ugh, okay. I feel better now. And the, the thing I always think about with this is if, if we’re literally being chased by a lion, we are running, we’re moving our bodies. to get away from the line and we get to safety. We climb up a tree or we get to home
where then there are people there with guns or whatever to catch the lion. There’s a lot of movement involved in that. But for us, think about in our sort of, you know, Life these
Dan: Yeah, you get an angry email. Or
Denita: yes, it’s like an
email or something from our phones or [00:31:00] computers,
right?
There’s no movement involved,
Dan: Uh huh. Uh
Denita: right? And so we go into that stress response and our bodies are like, move, move, move. And we’re like angrily typing, that’s like not enough movement, right? Like we want to move our big muscles. So that’s the biggest thing that I’ve learned is that the stress response wants movement.
It metabolizes through movement.
Dan: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm
Denita: The shutdown response. There is still actually an active response. Typically, it’s like there’s a lot of activation on the inside, but for whatever reason, we don’t have the resources to move. So we kind of freeze it, we time out, pack it away.
Right? So that’s a little bit different, especially for somebody who’s been living in like a chronic freeze response, gentle movement, like yoga or walking is fantastic. But what that really needs is like space and
time. And heat is an amazing [00:32:00] resource because when we talk about the freeze response, the cells in your body literally slow down and have less resources. And so they might not be frozen like ice,
Dan: Mm hmm.
Denita: sometimes that does happen. Like I have perpetually been cold most of my life,
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: but it’s more of this idea of like the cells in your body are just not moving as much. You know, inviting heat to, to infuse some energy and then just like whole foods and, you know, water and things that are just like really good for our bodies are what that freeze response usually needs. So I just mentioned that because oftentimes when I talk about the active response and I talk about movement, people are like, wait, Don’t forget about the freeze response.
so yeah, really movement is what, what we need when we’re stressed.
Dan: All right. So I get that we can metabolize our stress better by moving, but are there other practices we can do to kind of maintain kind of a state of calm, or maybe even get used to listening to our bodies and listen to what’s needed.
Denita: [00:33:00] Hmm. I love that
Dan: And I, let me preface it with a experience I had this weekend with my wife.
She had a very stressful busy day and we’re laying in bed and I ask her, are you hungry? Because I noticed in her story, she didn’t eat much that day. And she’s like, I don’t know. And that’s when I realized for my wife in this moment, she’s not paying any attention to anything from the neck down. Like there’s a disconnect and I, and that she’s not alone.
A lot of us go through life, uh, ignoring neck down. So it’s a practice, I think, to learn how to listen to our body. Mm-Hmm.
Denita: Yeah, for sure. and that would have described me before, like the last three years. I think there is safety in being in our minds.
And in our thoughts, especially if the threat is an inner threat, like a
feeling that we’re having something like that. So yes, while if we have that active response, we want to metabolize that through movement. [00:34:00] It’s not always the case that we’re having the active response. Sometimes there’s like a lack of energy, right?
And so in those cases, and even with the active response, This ability to turn inward and to notice what’s happening on the inside can be useful for any kind of nervous system response. So we would think of like a grounding exercise or centering exercise.
Just this really all it is, is the practice of moving our attention from our outer world to our inner world.
So sometimes that can look like just feeling your feet
on the floor or, you know, underneath you as you’re standing. Or I really like, because I sit a lot, feeling the chair underneath me and, and what I notice I do is I like a hold myself as if the chair I’m like, Oh, I don’t want to be a burden.
Dan: to the
Denita: the
[00:35:00] chair. right? And so when I start to like turn back inward, I’ll let go of like all of the stress or the tension really.
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: And like let the chair hold me up
Dan: Um hum.
Denita: and, and feel what does that feel like? For the chair to hold me in this moment or the floor or the bed or the couch, whatever it is that, that we’re putting our weight on. And that actually was mind blowing. The first time I did it, I was like, Whoa. The chair is an inanimate object and I don’t even want to be a burden
on the chair. Like
Dan: huh. Uh huh.
Denita: So really simple practices like that, I always think of centering is like finding the middle of you,
Dan: Um hum.
Denita: right? Which it can be physical, like you can sway from side to side and notice where the hinge And, or from front to back, notice [00:36:00] where the hinge point is, or it could be more like metaphorical.
Like where’s the center of my identity, right? Where’s the center of me. And like, I’m touching my chest as I do that. Like
oftentimes it’s that heart space, um, that, and I would say like the theme here is slowing down.
Dan: Got it.
Denita: Right? It’s like we live in such a fast paced world and we have so much information coming at us from all different sources that we forget to slow down.
Dan: Slow down and check in. Yes.
Denita: slow down, check in, slow down, and just notice. It could be noticing your environment.
Dan: Um hum.
Denita: I’m noticing the pink sticky notes that are taped to my wall. I’m noticing how the light shines off of the blue paint on the wall,
right?
Dan: Um hum.
Denita: And then if I’m turning inward, I’m noticing that my back is a little bit tight from the middle [00:37:00] up. Um, I’m noticing that my mouth is a little bit dry. I’ve been talking a lot,
Dan: huh. Uh huh.
Denita: So it can be internal noticing or external noticing, but it’s really that muscle of just slowing down. Okay. And notice,
notice what you notice, I think this can really apply to sex too, because I don’t know about anybody else, but for me, sometimes it feels like just another thing to do.
Another thing coming at me,
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: right? Which I mean, I, I want to have a connected, intimate relationship with my husband, but I don’t always feel like I have the space and time to slow down
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: notice what I notice and to. Even, even I think the word intimacy kind of connotates for me a slowing down,
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: like a, like a softness, a connection, a genuineness,
Dan: Um hum.
right.
Denita: Of maybe even a [00:38:00] vulnerability. So I think slowing down, which is a form of movement still noticing what you notice. Whether that be to meet yourself to center or ground, or to meet a stress response,
like, honestly, sex could be a really great way to meet a stress response.
Dan: Absolutely yes. Yeah, I
Denita: Right? I can hear people out there going, Oh, that feels so shallow or, you know, something like that.
But. I just think that if that is what is called for in the moment and that’s what’s available to us, then why not?
Dan: See, that’s the fourth F. Right?
Denita: Yeah. Yeah.
Dan: Just kidding. Uh,
Denita: Yeah. I mean, obviously with both partners consenting.
Dan: Consent’s so important. We often think, oh, I’m married. So it’s always consensual, but it’s the, can I touch your hair? Can I put my hand on your breast? Or can I touch your back or whatever? we need to be in Good communication. It’s, you’re [00:39:00] still, it’s still another person’s body and that’s what helps establish safety in it.
I went to the dentist the other day, and, the hygienist before she’d make a move, or like, she, she’d tell me first what she’s about to do. Like, okay, I’m going to use this tool and, you know, Put in this part of your mouth or, okay, I’m going to use this next tool. And I’m going to do that. Like, and I just couldn’t, I thought that was such a great metaphor for like consent, even in sex, I’m about to do this or I’m about to do that.
And, uh, then, you know, what’s coming, it helps at least a person in a dental chair, calm down through the experience.
Denita: Well, and what occurs to me is in order to do that, you do have to slow down.
Dan: Mm hmm.
Denita: You have to be like, I’m thinking about what my next move is and then I’m going to tell you,
Dan: Mm hmm.
Denita: right? So there’s an inherent slowness. To that consent,
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: and I agree, I think I’ll be speaking for myself. I don’t often think like I need to consent to what my husband is [00:40:00] doing or, you know, but I, I do think that it goes very far to create a space of safety. Not just safety, but like what came up for me was like a bodily conversation,
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: right? Like a back and forth. That’s not just going through the motions. This is what we usually do. This is what you usually feels good for you. It feels good for me. Right. It’s just like, because everybody Is different from moment to moment from day to day, so to kind of be checking in and slowing down on that level, I
think is so beautiful.
And, the other thing that comes up for me is it can be vulnerable,
Dan: Yes.
Denita: right? It can feel like, well, why are you doing that? Let’s just do what usually works.
Dan: huh. Uh huh.
Denita: And I think it requires both partners to kind of be on board to have a certain level of togetherness from the get
go to even have that kind of sexual relationship. So I’m [00:41:00] just thinking of it both from like a nervous system point of view and a relational point of and how beneficial it is from both of those sides.
Dan: When I think about my most peak, my favorite, most memorable sexual experiences, I was very present in the moment, and my wife was also. Can you talk more about how we can be more present in sex? Mm hmm.
Denita: Yeah. I mean, so A little secret here that I didn’t mention earlier, but I started out as a sex coach. And so I’ve done quite a bit of like thinking and pondering and researching and learning about this. And for me, it kind of always comes back to that presence,
that ability to be present. And personally, the thing that takes me away from being present is being in my thoughts.
Right. Like thinking about, Oh, I never cleaned up dinner. Okay. After this, I need to go do that. Right. And that just erodes that intimate relationship. So it’s kind [00:42:00] of what we’ve been talking about this whole interview is the ability to stay present comes very much from the ability to stay with your body.
Dan: Mm hmm.
Denita: Right. Or in the case of sex with your spouse’s body.
Dan: Uh huh.
Denita: Now I am a very kind of introverted person, so not that I’ve never been able to stay with my spouse’s body, but that’s not usually my concern,
my concern or my distraction usually comes from myself.
And so what I. Notice is like almost as like a meditative practice to stay present in that moment is like, whenever the thoughts come in, I’m just like, Nope, we’re not doing that right now.
Stay here. And, and what really helps me is just like, okay, what am I feeling right now?
Even to myself, right? I don’t necessarily have to speak that out loud, but it just helps me stay grounded in the moment and being [00:43:00] here with what’s happening here, right?
Dan: Do you have a black belt sex tip along those lines?
Denita: I do. so my tip would be to narrate your experience. And I’m particularly thinking about what you are feeling on the inside.
During your experience of s*x And a couple of things come up for me of why this is a black belt sex tip. The first one is that it requires you to slow down.
Dan: Yes.
Denita: The second is that it keeps you in the present moment.
The third is that it’s communicating to your partner, right? So then they got, get to know you and your patterns and, Oh, that’s interesting. I never thought of that. Right. So they’re learning you. and I think it would be fantastic if. If it could be kind of a conversation where one partner goes first and then the next partner says something and you just kind of volley back and forth about, you know, speaking out loud, what you are feeling. The other thing that I like about this is that if [00:44:00] you’re focused on your own body, your own experience, then there’s no like shame or blame around it. And so I think that can also create a sense of safety. It’s like, Oh, I don’t have to like. respond to my partner, or, you know, figure out what to do next.
We’re just speaking like, Oh, I’m feeling this in this part of my body. And now I feel the urge to touch you here or whatever. Right. We can bring in some of those, like, I’m going to do this next. But I was particularly thinking of just like the sensation level or the emotion level of the experience on the
Dan: So this is more than, more to the left. This is, this is just narrating. This is what I’m doing right now. This is what I’m feeling in my body.
Denita: Yeah. It’s more like, you know, Oh, now I’m feeling this. Now I’m feeling that. Cause I don’t know about you, but sometimes something will feel really good and [00:45:00] then I lose it.
Right. And then I’m like, Oh, now I can’t feel hardly anything at all. Right. So. I just think it would be very connecting, but also like we talked about these elements of safety and presence, groundedness, right?
I think it kind of hits all of those things.
Dan: I have learned so much from you about being centered and grounded. The importance of slowing down and checking in the, uh, how to be more present and just the value and wisdom that our bodies provide. And it’s not, everything’s just not cognitive. It’s, there’s also, our body is a fantastic instrument for us to gain more wisdom and experience.
And we can use that to strengthen our marriages. If people want more information about what you do, feel where do you send them?
Denita: I send them to my website, DanitaBremmer. com. That’s probably the easiest
Dan: Yep. That’ll be linked in the show notes. Thank you.
Denita: Awesome. Thank you.
Dan: Thank you for listening to this episode, [00:46:00] please share it along with our apps and timidly us. And just between us with their married friends. I promise they will thank you for life. If you want a more meaningful sexual and intimate connection in your marriage, I invite you to check out my, get your marriage on program.
Over a hundred couples have said this program packs tremendous value and has helped their intimacy grow to the next level. Now go get your marriage on.
