One of the joys (and let’s be honest, terrors) of raising teenagers is teaching them how to drive. Sitting in the passenger seat is always an adventure—you never quite know when the car will suddenly brake or jerk forward without warning!
It’s a lot like learning to manage sexual desire. Just as my teenager learns to master the accelerator and brake pedals, understanding and balancing these same “pedals” is crucial when it comes to libido.
Everyone has sexual turn-ons and turn-offs (think: sexual accelerators and brakes). You might have a more sensitive “brake” (easily turned off) than your spouse, or you might have a more sensitive “accelerator” (easily turned on). And that’s perfectly normal—neither one is better or worse than the other.
How To Increase Sexual Desire?
Many couples wish there was more sexual desire in their busy lives. In my work with couples, I often see them wasting energy trying to slam on the accelerator (by focusing on more turn-ons) without paying attention to what’s pressing on the brakes.
If you want to increase your libido, start by examining what’s hitting your brakes. Here are common brakes I hear people share with me:
- Stress
- A lack of privacy / fear of being overheard or intruded upon
- Spouse’s pouty mood
- Pressure to perform
- Feeling like sex is an obligation
- Not feeling attractive or sexy at the moment.
Take a moment to think about it—what would you say are your top 10 brakes?
Let’s get real for a moment. You can’t make every brake go away. Rather, it’s about approaching those brakes with compassion and a dose of reality. For example, you might be stressed because it’s the back-to-school season or a looming deadline at work. While you may not be able to fix everything on your brakes list, understanding what’s there can help you manage it better.
The second part of the equation is knowing your turn-ons—what presses on your accelerator? Here are some accelerators others have shared with me:
- Feeling desired or cared for
- The thrill of sexual curiosity or novelty
- Allure of pleasure
- Being playful and flirty with each other
- Thinking of a favorite sexual memory that gets things moving in the right direction
So, what are your top 10 accelerators?
I encourage you to sit down and list out 10 Brakes and 10 Accelerators, then share and discuss them with your spouse! You might be surprised at what you learn about each other, and how this awareness can shift your intimacy into a higher gear.
