On Instagram, we ask for your questions about sex and intimacy. Our awesome founder and marriage coach Dan Purcell answers these anonymous questions. We post his answers here on our blog so you too can learn with us. Last week, we posted the questions we got from women in August of 2022. Here are the questions we got from men in August.
A lot of men worry about not being enough for their spouses. They worry they are bad at foreplay or that past masturbation habits will lessen their ability to ejaculate with their spouse. On the other hand, some men feel like their needs arenโt being met. They want to know what to do if their wife doesnโt like the same things as them, or when to โcall itโ on the marriage when their needs consistently arenโt met.
Itโs important to remember that we need to be 100% in a marriage. We canโt pick and choose the parts of our spouse we like. Conversely, we also need the courage to show up as our true selves, mistakes and imperfections included. Be open to talking with your spouse about your sexual concerns. Also remember that you cannot change your spouse, you can only choose to change yourself.
Here are some of the specific questions we receive, and Danโs answers.
From Men:
Q: How do I work on foreplay? I suck at it.
A: Foreplay is about establishing connection. You can get good at foreplay all day long by keeping an emotional connection and investing in your wife. We make love with our hearts, not just our bodies.
Wives say foreplay is much more exciting for them when they know the man theyโre with desires them intensely and cares deeply about them.
There are two podcast episodes that I would recommend: #89 Foreplay Throughout The Day and #36 Desire, Fantasy and Foreplay.
Too many men and women rush foreplay. Make foreplay the main event, and focus on making it feel like play, not feel like work.
You can get better at foreplay by slowing things down and paying attention to whatโs working and not working. The Intimately Us app has a great How To section on specific techniques (such as manual stimulation, cunnilingus, etc.) if youโre looking to up your skills!
Q: At what point should I consider divorce/seperation for sexual needs not being met/considered?
A: This is a serious question and I donโt think I can answer this adequately over Instagram. I know people that divorced over sexual issues that regret their decision, and others that are thriving after their divorce.
Some people rush to the idea of divorce, thinking that their next relationship would be better. Without seriously considering the question of your own role in the matter (such as your desirability), youโll end up trading one set of marriage challenges for another in the next relationship.
Good podcast episodes that address this are #68: How I Fixed My Husband, and #63: From The Brink Of Divorce to Intimate Lovers.
Q: My wife doesnโt like making out (weโve talked about it several times), she just doesnโt enjoy it.
A: Some questions to consider are:
- Is there something about the way I make out with her that she finds off-putting? In other words, is it that she doesnโt like making out at all, or she doesnโt like making out WITH ME?
- What am I offering when I want to make out with her? Is what Iโm offering desirable?
- What do you make it mean about yourself that she doesnโt like to make out?
- How do you respond / react when she evades your advances for a make out session? (e.g. pout, get angry, put on a guilt trip, etc.) The way you choose to respond in this instance may affect her desire in the future.
- Letโs say it has nothing to do with you, she just doesnโt like making out. You have a choice to make: keep trying to convince her to make out with you, or accept the fact that you chose to marry a woman that doesnโt like to make out. What will you choose, and can your choice bring you peace over the matter?
Choosing our spouse 100% is actually harder than most people think. When you decide to choose someone, you choose all of them, including the parts about them that drive you crazy at times. But loving someone well requires you to really choose them.
Some people want two choices: the parts of the marriage they like, and choosing others for filling in the parts of the marriage they donโt like. You canโt create a deep and abiding intimate relationship when you are partially choosing your spouse (one foot in, one foot out). Itโs unkind to lead your spouse on with a partial choice and keep their hopes up that youโll fully choose them one day.
Part of fully choosing your spouse may include grieving the loss of things you wonโt have in life because of your choice, and coming to peace with it.
Q: Is it hard to ejaculate from penetration/handjob after years of masturbations?
A: Yes, it could be. When our bodies get accustomed to doing things a certain way, they tend to have some resistance adapting to new ways of doing things. The good news is that our brains are quite pliable and can learn or relearn other ways to things rather effectively.
Think of a golfer trying to perfect his swing. After years of consistently doing his swing wrong, he goes to a coach that points out a better form and technique. His โmuscle memoryโ will want to keep doing it the old way. But with some time, patience, and deliberate deep practice, he can incorporate his better technique into his golf swing.
Have a question? Ask us on Instagram @getyourmarriageon !
Change takes time and persistence. It can be really hard to feel like we are trying our best and still havenโt seen results. If you are feeling frustrated with your sex life and would like advice, encouragement, and support; consider signing up for our menโs coaching course. Our next cohort starts soon, so donโt wait to sign up!
