Questions from Men: When Sexual Needs aren’t Met

On Instagram, we ask for your questions about sex and intimacy. Our awesome founder and marriage coach Dan Purcell answers these anonymous questions. We post his answers here on our blog so you too can learn with us. Last week, we posted the questions we got from women in August of 2022. Here are the questions we got from men in August. 

A lot of men worry about not being enough for their spouses. They worry they are bad at foreplay or that past masturbation habits will lessen their ability to ejaculate with their spouse. On the other hand, some men feel like their needs aren’t being met. They want to know what to do if their wife doesn’t like the same things as them, or when to “call it” on the marriage when their needs consistently aren’t met. 

It’s important to remember that we need to be 100% in a marriage. We can’t pick and choose the parts of our spouse we like. Conversely, we also need the courage to show up as our true selves, mistakes and imperfections included. Be open to talking with your spouse about your sexual concerns. Also remember that you cannot change your spouse, you can only choose to change yourself.

Here are some of the specific questions we receive, and Dan’s answers. 

From Men:

Q: How do I work on foreplay? I suck at it.

A: Foreplay is about establishing connection. You can get good at foreplay all day long by keeping an emotional connection and investing in your wife. We make love with our hearts, not just our bodies.

Wives say foreplay is much more exciting for them when they know the man they’re with desires them intensely and cares deeply about them.

There are two podcast episodes that I would recommend: #89 Foreplay Throughout The Day and #36 Desire, Fantasy and Foreplay.

Too many men and women rush foreplay. Make foreplay the main event, and focus on making it feel like play, not feel like work. 

You can get better at foreplay by slowing things down and paying attention to what’s working and not working. The Intimately Us app has a great How To section on specific techniques (such as manual stimulation, cunnilingus, etc.) if you’re looking to up your skills!

Q: At what point should I consider divorce/seperation for sexual needs not being met/considered?

A: This is a serious question and I don’t think I can answer this adequately over Instagram. I know people that divorced over sexual issues that regret their decision, and others that are thriving after their divorce.

Some people rush to the idea of divorce, thinking that their next relationship would be better. Without seriously considering the question of your own role in the matter (such as your desirability), you’ll end up trading one set of marriage challenges for another in the next relationship.

Good podcast episodes that address this are #68: How I Fixed My Husband, and #63: From The Brink Of Divorce to Intimate Lovers.

Q: My wife doesn’t like making out (we’ve talked about it several times), she just doesn’t enjoy it.

A: Some questions to consider are:

  • Is there something about the way I make out with her that she finds off-putting? In other words, is it that she doesn’t like making out at all, or she doesn’t like making out WITH ME?
  • What am I offering when I want to make out with her? Is what I’m offering desirable?
  • What do you make it mean about yourself that she doesn’t like to make out?
  • How do you respond / react when she evades your advances for a make out session? (e.g. pout, get angry, put on a guilt trip, etc.) The way you choose to respond in this instance may affect her desire in the future.
  • Let’s say it has nothing to do with you, she just doesn’t like making out. You have a choice to make: keep trying to convince her to make out with you, or accept the fact that you chose to marry a woman that doesn’t like to make out. What will you choose, and can your choice bring you peace over the matter?

Choosing our spouse 100% is actually harder than most people think. When you decide to choose someone, you choose all of them, including the parts about them that drive you crazy at times. But loving someone well requires you to really choose them.

Some people want two choices: the parts of the marriage they like, and choosing others for filling in the parts of the marriage they don’t like. You can’t create a deep and abiding intimate relationship when you are partially choosing your spouse (one foot in, one foot out). It’s unkind to lead your spouse on with a partial choice and keep their hopes up that you’ll fully choose them one day.

Part of fully choosing your spouse may include grieving the loss of things you won’t have in life because of your choice, and coming to peace with it.

Q: Is it hard to ejaculate from penetration/handjob after years of masturbations?

A: Yes, it could be. When our bodies get accustomed to doing things a certain way, they tend to have some resistance adapting to new ways of doing things. The good news is that our brains are quite pliable and can learn or relearn other ways to things rather effectively.

Think of a golfer trying to perfect his swing. After years of consistently doing his swing wrong, he goes to a coach that points out a better form and technique. His “muscle memory” will want to keep doing it the old way. But with some time, patience, and deliberate deep practice, he can incorporate his better technique into his golf swing.

Have a question? Ask us on Instagram @getyourmarriageon !

Change takes time and persistence. It can be really hard to feel like we are trying our best and still haven’t seen results. If you are feeling frustrated with your sex life and would like advice, encouragement, and support; consider signing up for our men’s coaching course. Our next cohort starts soon, so don’t wait to sign up!

Phone Screens of Intimately Us App

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<h3>Amanda Severson</h3>

Amanda Severson

Hi, I'm Amanda! I'm a grad student on her way to becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist. I'm a wife and a sex enthusiast. I am a psychology nerd whose life goal is to help every couple find the absolute joy of sharing your life with someone else.

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