When our oldest was about three years old, he loved being the center of attention. After finishing his dinner—well before my wife and I even had a chance to start eating (you know how that goes with a toddler and an infant)—he loved to entertain us.
He’d dance, take a bow, hide in the hallway, and then hop back out, loving every clap, laugh, and bit of attention we gave him. Like most toddlers, he was self-focused, delighting in being the center of our world.
Our sexual self is a lot like that toddler! No matter how mature or humble we might be outside the bedroom, our sexual side craves attention. We like being fussed over. Like a toddler, our sexual self doesn’t have a big vocabulary, but it knows what it wants: to feel desired, to be fussed over, to be the center of someone else’s world in that moment.
A Healthy Dose of Narcissist
There’s actually a healthy degree of narcissism in sex, particularly for women. Research shows that for many women, intimacy is better when they feel like they are the center of attention. Women are often turned on by the thought that they’re the turn on–they’re the reason their partner is aroused. That self-focus isn’t selfish—it’s a powerful fuel for passion and connection.
This dynamic echoed in many Latin ballroom dances too. The woman’s dress, movements, and charisma command attention. Her partner supports and highlights her, but she’s the one stealing the show—and that shared focus creates something magical.
Self-Centered Touch
There’s another layer to this idea: touch. Sex can be deeply satisfying when you touch your partner simply because you enjoy touching them. It’s not about trying to extract something out of them, make them feel a certain way, or meet a goal but indulging in the pleasure of connecting through touch.
So the next time you connect sexually, remember: it’s okay to let your inner “toddler” take center stage and be a bit self centered—it’s good for both of you.
