Have you ever felt like you’re holding back in the bedroom? Do you have limiting beliefs that may be keeping you from have the best sex of your life?
I’m willing to bet that at some point in our lives, we have all experienced a limiting belief. Your limiting belief could revolve around your outward appearance or even stem from not knowing how to express your sexual desires.
Recently, Get Your Marriage On interviewed Sexpert Amanda Louder on the podcast! Amanda is a certified Sex and Marriage Coach and host of the Live From Love podcast. This podcast episode discussed overcoming limiting beliefs and roadblocks in order to lead to a happier sex life.
What are Limiting Beliefs?
A limiting belief is a false belief that keeps you from pursuing your goals or desires. Amanda explains, “Limiting beliefs keep us stuck. We tend to think that what we believe is just true and it’s unchangeable, but beliefs are just thoughts that we have thought over and over and over. And all of our thoughts are optional. So you can choose to believe anything you want about anything.”
Have you ever thought, “I need to lose 10 pounds to have great sex?” Or maybe even thought a certain position was taboo because of shame you’ve felt before. These are limiting beliefs. Amanda goes on to say, “Your brain will find evidence for what you truly believe. So when you choose to limit yourself or you believe limits that other people have put on you, you stay stuck and you don’t progress. You don’t move forward. We were designed to move forward and to always be growing and changing, but change and growth is scary and it can be really uncomfortable, but it’s also uncomfortable staying stuck. So we have to recognize where our limiting beliefs are and dare to dream that there could be more out there in all aspects of our life.”
Limiting beliefs are anything that keeps us stuck from growing and trying new things – in and out of the bedroom.
How Can You Recognize Your Own Limiting Beliefs and Blind Spots?
In order to recognize our own limiting beliefs and blind spots, we have to really take a deep dive into our own thoughts and feelings. When asked how we can recognize our own limiting beliefs and roadblocks, Amanda says, “Well, it’s really just paying attention to what you’re thinking about yourself, your relationships, sex, religion, politics, and question them. See what kind of results you’re getting in your life by believing those things are the results that you’re getting what you want. If yes, then keep that belief, absolutely. But if not, then it’s time to explore and change and see what’s possible for you.”
Amanda also speaks about living a life of integrity and being honest within ourselves to discover these limiting beliefs that we may have. She states, “We have to learn to tune into our inner voice and our higher desires. The right voice that we have in our head, isn’t always the loudest and it’s not always the first thing that comes to our mind. So it really takes some exploration and getting to know yourself.”
Amanda also details that learning to love ourselves will also help us overcome these limiting beliefs that we have. She says, “We often see all of the problems that we have: such as all of the ways that we are not enough, instead of really realizing our value as humans. Our value doesn’t change for the better or worse, no matter what we do. All of those imperfections and weaknesses just makes us human. When we understand that and we make the choice to love ourselves unconditionally, then we can truly start to change, tap into what our integrity is, what feels good to us, what feels right to us. And then we can also love other people the same way so much better.”
By learning to be honest and love ourselves, we’re able to recognize these limiting beliefs and work to correct them.
So what are some common sexual limiting beliefs and roadblocks?
Limiting Belief #1: Never In The Mood
I think we’ve all been in the situation where our spouse wants to get it on and we just don’t feel like it. But what about when you are NEVER in the mood? It’s easy to put sex on the back burner when jobs, kids, housekeeping and so much more can take priority over sex. So how do we work to help our partner overcome this limiting belief? We learn to communicate through their love language. Does your spouse respond well to acts of service? Or maybe kind words? Maybe clean the kitchen without them asking or compliment how great you think they look. A little compliment and expressing sincere appreciation can turn around someone’s whole day and hopefully even their mood!
Limiting Belief #2: Sex Is Just For Him
Amanda introduces us to a client of hers that we have nicknamed “Jean”. Amanda says, “So Jean came to me and she was like, I hate sex. It’s always all about him. You know, he’s bugging me all the time. He’s constantly like coming up behind me and grabbing me and, you know, trying to flirt. And it’s just, it’s so uncomfortable. It’s a total turnoff. And then if we actually do have sex, it’s all about him. Like he just wants to have his orgasm feel good. And I’m just like, what the heck?”
Sometimes sex can seem like there is only one end goal and that’s to cause the husband to orgasm. But sex is always a two-way street and we should both be working for the goal of pleasure with an ultimate connection.
Limiting Belief #3: I Can’t Advocate My Desires and Needs
While one-sided sex can be frustrating, it’s not always selfish intent. In order to avoid one-sided sex, we have to make sure that we’re advocating our desires and needs during sex. Our partner has no way of knowing what we desire, need or want during sex unless we show or tell them. Amanda explains that once her client, Jean, started advocating for herself in the bedroom, she went from hating sex to saying that sex was amazing.
Limiting Belief #4: Getting Turned Down Makes Me Anxious
It can be frustrating when someone is constantly touching you and trying to ask for sex when you’re not in the mood. At times, it can make the lower desire partner feel violated when he or she’s being touched or flirted with in ways that are not appealing.
On the flip side, it can be frustrating for the higher desire spouse to get turned down. It can make you feel anxious to express your desires for connection. So what’s Amanda’s advice to the higher desire spouse when this happens? “Calm the heck down”. Simple enough, right?
Amanda goes on to explain, “Women don’t have that physiological drive like men do. So we have to work very, very hard on the mental side to get in the mood. So, whatever you can do as a man to help with the mental side is going to probably pay off for you.”
Limiting Belief #5: A Suffocating Mental Load
I’m not talking about feeling suffocated in a literal sense, but a mental need for our own space. Amanda says, “So women have this mental load all the time. We feel like it’s our job to take care of everything and everyone all the time. So the more that husbands can do to take things off of her plate is probably pretty helpful. But one of the biggest keys for women is we can’t go from mommy mode, caretaker mode into sexy wife mode with the flip of a switch. We need to have space to be ourselves, to come back to our own rather than be in mommy mode. Now, if we feel like we have to take care of our husband too, we can’t do that. It doesn’t work. So husbands, learn to take care of your own needs and help your wife by creating that space for herself. Helping reduce her mental load is really important for her mental side to help her get in the mood.”
Let’s say the husband starts to clean the kitchen up after dinner so the wife can make it to her favorite class or folds the laundry so she can take a hot bath. These little sentiments are great ways to create less of a mental load for the wife and in turn it will help her have more of a mental space to get in the mood.
Limiting Belief #6: Harsh Self-Judgement
This limiting belief can apply to several scenarios. Are you judging yourself harshly? Or are you worried about harsh judgement from others? Amanda explains that the best way to overcome this limiting belief is by having compassion – not only for yourself but for others as well. She says, “if we can move into compassion for ourselves, and have that compassion for the way that we’ve been thinking and feeling and acting,it makes things a lot easier because we all do this. Judgment is a very human thing that we do. So by having compassion really helps them move past judgements”.
Limiting Belief #7: No Balance
Finding balance within our relationship and in the bedroom is key to a healthy marriage. Amanda goes on to explain, “Finding a balance between what is good for one, and what’s good for the other, or what’s good for the marriage is really important. So my rule of thumb is anything goes as long as it fits within your value system and brings goodness to your relationship. Now, outside of that bedroom I think you have to tune into your true desires. Discover and think about what aligns with your integrity. A lot of what we want in the moment, isn’t what we want for ourselves in the long run. So working to stay consistently in our alignment of what we truly want for ourselves and our life is going to yield us the best results.”
Limiting Belief #8: Scared of New
Have you ever had the desire to try maybe a new position or even a new toy, but have been afraid of your partner’s reaction? Amanda tells us that speaking up about our desires and trying something new is still incredibly important as is respecting our partners choices. She says, “if one person wants it and another person is a no, then that’s the answer. You have to honor that. But if your partner is willing to try, that can be a really great way to build intimacy. Just make sure you’re being honest with yourself and with your spouse.”
Limiting Belief #9: Shaming Ourselves When Things Don’t Work
I’m sure we’ve all had an experience that just didn’t turn out the way we planned in the bedroom. It can be incredibly awkward when this happens and even worse when we’re made to feel shame and blame for things not “working” or “going” the way they were intended to. Amanda says, “ I hear so many couples who try new things. And if that doesn’t work, then there’s a lot of blame or shame about it. And one person or both, take responsibility for it not going well. And it drives the couple further apart instead of bringing them closer together. But when you truly have a close, intimate, healthy relationship, when things don’t work, you can just laugh about it and have fun.” Laughing and having fun with these unfortunate situations can continue to strengthen our marriages and our sex lives.
Amanda tells the story of a couple who were attempting to doggy style and the husband accidentally inserted his penis in the wrong hole. This was really painful for the wife but she knew it was an accident so by not shaming him for this, they were able to move on and just laugh about the accident.
Overcome and Get It On
When we have limiting beliefs or roadblocks, there is almost always a negative effect. When we work to overcome these limiting beliefs and roadblocks, it can lead to happier marriages and happier sex lives.
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