A question that comes up frequently in our private Facebook group is: “How often does the average couple have sex?” It’s natural to wonder how your sex life compares to others.
We’re curious beings, and let’s face it—comparison is part of human nature. However, the answers to this question are more complicated than a simple number.
Studies vary widely on this topic, and sexual frequency can depend on a host of factors: age, culture, income, race, profession, and more. Some studies suggest couples have sex 144 times a year, while others report averages closer to 64 times a year.
But here’s the tricky part—there’s no real consensus on what “having sex” even means. Is it limited to only penetrative intercourse? Must an orgasm take place? Does arousing passionate kissing, intimate touch, or oral sex count? The lines are blurry.
On top of that, most studies rely on self-reported data, which isn’t always accurate. It’s not like researchers are installing cameras in bedrooms to observe (thankfully!).
So, what these numbers actually tell us is that sexual frequency varies—a lot.

The underlying reason for most questions about sexual frequency have to do with questions of desirability. In the end, we want to be desired by our spouse.
When you question whether or not your spouse desires you sexually, it’s intuitive to find data to justify why you’re not having enough sex. It’s easy to pull up studies and statistics, thinking you could prove a point and win an argument, to get more sex (and more desire from your spouse). But it’s just as easy for the other person to argue the opposite: “My friend Sally says she and her partner have sex way less than us, and they’re happy!”
The real question isn’t how much sex other couples are having, but rather, “What’s the right frequency for us?” or “Am I desirable to you?”

Every couple has a unique dynamic influenced by their personalities, energy levels, health, work stress, kids, and more. Rather than comparing yourselves to others, focus on what feels good and healthy for both of you. Bringing your best self to your relationship to be a desirable person is far more important than hitting an arbitrary number.
The happiest couples aren’t the ones having the more sex than others—they’re focusing on desiring each other and have found a rhythm that works for them.