The strip tease. You may have seen one in a movie, or during a concert. You may have closed your eyes, or you may have been a little envious of how smooth the performer seemed. However, a strip tease does not have to be exclusively for the exotic dancer. In fact, learning how to do a strip tease could be just what the doctor ordered when it comes to building intimacy in a happy marriage.
If you have already talked yourself out of it, I want you to notice what stopped you. For most wives it is not their body and it is not their rhythm. It is a picture in their head of someone doing this professionally. Set that picture aside. It has nothing to do with what works in your bedroom, and it is the single biggest reason wives never try this.
A Strip Tease Is Not a Lap Dance
You will see it spelled both ways, strip tease and striptease, and they mean the same thing. What it is not is a lap dance. Those two get used interchangeably, and they are different things. Knowing which one you actually want will save you a lot of second-guessing, because they need different setups.
- A strip tease is about the clothes and the reveal. You can do it standing anywhere in the room. No contact is required and no chair is required. The whole thing is pacing and anticipation.
- A lap dance is about contact. Your husband is seated, you are working around and against him, and the chair is genuinely part of the equipment.
If the chair and the close contact are what you are picturing, we have a full walkthrough in our post on how to do a sexy lap dance, and episode 21 of the Get Your Marriage On podcast covers it as well. Plenty of couples end up doing both in one evening, a strip tease flowing into a lap dance. But if you are new to this, the strip tease is the easier place to start, because nobody is watching your feet.
Why Should I Do a Strip Tease for My Husband?
An intimate marriage is built on shared experiences. Having fun, silly, or sexy memories together will help build your trust in each other, your feelings of connection, and your love. Being creative and trying something new sexually also engages your mind, which is the biggest sex organ you have. A strip tease can be a great way to build desire and to get to know your spouse on a whole different level.
Please remember, every sexual experience should be consented to by both parties. Ask your spouse if they would like to give or receive a strip tease. Do not use this post to try to guilt your spouse into something they are uncomfortable with.
Why “I Can’t Dance” Is the Wrong Worry
This is the objection I hear most, and it is aimed at the wrong thing. Dan and Emily learned as much at a lap dance instruction segment during one of our Anatomy of Arousal getaways. The instructor’s point was that being good at this has almost nothing to do with being a good dancer. It is about how well you can follow the connection between the two of you. Dan wrote about that evening in what a lap dance taught me about intimacy.
Four things to focus on, and they work just as well for a strip tease as they do for a lap dance:
- Set the tone of I want you. I desire you. And, I am going to seduce you.
- Maintain eye contact. Eyes that say I see you, and I like you.
- Maintain touch as much as you can. Do not break the connection.
- Enjoy the confidence of knowing that you are the turn-on here.
Not one of those is a dance move. They are all about attention, which is a skill you already have, because you use it every time you flirt with him.
On episode 21 of the Get Your Marriage On podcast, Keelie and Austin Reason of Love Hope Adventure named the trap most of us fall into. “If that’s your only image of what a lap dance is, then you say, I can’t do it,” Keelie Reason said. “It’s not real. It’s cinematic. It’s not what really plays out.” She also pushed back on the idea that this has to be a production at all. “There’s this idea there has to be a lot of production behind this kind of thing,” she said. “But there doesn’t.” Most husbands already watch their wives get undressed at the end of an ordinary day. You are not introducing a new activity. You are slowing an old one down and pointing it at him.
How to Set Up Your Strip Tease
A strip tease requires a little bit of setup. The right atmosphere can make or break the experience for both of you. The four things to consider are your outfit, the environment, your mindset, and the music.
#1 What to Wear
The outfit is a crucial part of doing a strip tease, because you need something to take off. First, think of what clothing you feel sexy in. Is it lingerie, a fancy dress, or a flannel shirt? It can also be fun to consider what character you want to play. You can dress like a cowgirl, a princess, or a show girl. Some women find it helpful to play pretend, because dressing up helps them get out of their head and into their routine.
Wear layers, and more of them than feel necessary. This is the one piece of real technique in the whole thing. The Reasons’ advice on the podcast is to start with your clothes on, maybe even extra, and take them off slowly. Add things specifically so that you have more to remove. A dress with a silky slip underneath. A coat. A scarf, a hat, an umbrella, or one of his ties. It sounds silly written down, and it is the difference between a strip tease that lasts two minutes and one that lasts twenty seconds.
The other half of that rule matters just as much: pick clothes you can get out of easily. As Keelie Reason put it, “nobody wants to be tripping.” Skinny jeans are the enemy. So is anything that has to come off over your head and takes your hair with it. High heels can be really sexy, but if you are worried about tripping, try going barefoot. Buttons can be fun to play with, as long as you are ready to be patient with yourself if you fumble a bit.
#2 Lighting and Environment
Next, decide where in the house you are going to put on your show. Tidy up and make sure there are no tripping hazards. Then consider where you want your audience. A chair gives you room to move around him and to touch him. A bed might make it more convenient to get spicy afterward. Hot tip: if you are both into it, you can try tying him to the bedpost so he cannot touch you while you tease him. Pick the seating based on how, and whether, you would like your spouse to participate.
Now the ambiance. Low light does two jobs at once. It makes the evening feel like an occasion, and it quiets the part of your brain that is cataloging everything you do not like about your body. Dim the lights, bring in a lamp, or light some candles. Complete darkness defeats the purpose, since the entire point is that he gets to look at you. You could position a mirror so your husband can see both sides of the show, or so that you can see yourself. If that makes you anxious, take the mirrors out of the room instead.
Get creative. Spray his favorite perfume around the room. If you want to role play or tell a story, add details that sell it. Half the battle is taking the time to let yourself slip into sexy mode. With the right attitude, this prep work signals to your body that it is time to get turned on.
#3 Mindset and Body-Image Nerves
That brings us to the last piece of setup, which is your mindset. For a lot of wives, the dancing was never really the objection. Standing in front of someone and being deliberately looked at is the objection, and no amount of technique solves that.
Two things help. The first is knowing that he is not evaluating you. Your husband loves you, and he will be so happy that you wanted to do this with him. Give yourself space to be yourself and drop the expectations. It does not have to be perfect to be arousing, and you are allowed to laugh.
The second is more honest: courage and confidence are not the same thing, and you only need the first one. On episode 220, Black Belt Sex Tips 4.0, boudoir photographer Sierra Beltran put it this way. “The difference between courage and confidence is that confidence feels good,” she said. “It’s the same action. It’s just, you don’t feel good in a moment, but that’s real courage.” You do the thing while still nervous, and the confidence arrives afterward rather than before.
Give yourself permission to have a practice round. Try it by yourself first if that lessens the nerves, and set the expectation that the first attempt will not match what you pictured. You are learning a new skill. If body image is the wall you keep hitting, two episodes go deeper than I can here: episode 170 on seeing your body through the lens of boudoir photography and episode 278 with Lindsey Burns on boudoir and self-acceptance.
Lastly, make it yours. Your performance can be funny, goofy, serious, sweet, or anything you want. Remember, your husband chose you. Do not force yourself to copy a persona you are not comfortable with.
#4 Music
Music is one of the best ways to set the mood. Consider syncing your routine to a song, or just have a playlist on in the background. Pick songs that make you feel sexy. I love the song Dress by Taylor Swift, or really anything on her reputation album.
You do not need a whole playlist. One song is plenty, and three or four minutes is a full routine. Something slow and sultry is easiest the first time, because it gives you room to breathe and move without chasing a fast tempo. You will naturally match the pace of whatever is playing, so something too fast makes you bounce and something too slow drags. One more thing: avoid a song you love enough to mouth the words to, because singing along breaks the spell faster than any wrong move.
How to Do a Strip Tease, Step by Step
After all that prep, you are probably ready to get going. I am going to go step by step, throwing in some tips along the way. Take what you want from my ideas, but do not be afraid to mix it up. Decide how long you want this to last. It could take anywhere from a minute, just getting undressed very slowly, to a whole routine across multiple songs. A strip tease is also one of the most playful ways to take the lead and initiate intimacy without the usual fear of rejection.
Beginning
Text him earlier in the day that you have a special show for him, and tell him where to sit. That text does more work than any move you will make, because anticipation is most of the effect, and it spares you having to announce it from the middle of the room. If you want help with the wording, our list of 25 sexy text messages to send your spouse is built for exactly this. Give him one rule when he sits down: he does not get to touch you yet.
Then come in from behind. Run your hands down his arms and give him a kiss on the cheek or the neck. Starting behind him also gives you thirty seconds to find the beat without being watched, which settles the nerves. Slowly walk around him and take a few steps out in front. Ask him if he likes your outfit. Give him plenty of time to notice. Walk in a slow circle, letting him take it in. Shake your butt a little if you want. Then cross one arm over your body, grab the bottom of your shirt, cross your other arm, and slowly lift your shirt over your head. Move in close. Lean over, holding the arms of the chair. Trace your finger along his face. Get close to his mouth, but do not kiss him yet.
Whatever pace feels correct, halve it. A strip tease is all about anticipation, and the waiting is the thing you are actually giving him.
Middle
Okay, you have got him interested. Now comes the crucial but often forgotten moment. You have his attention, so leave room for the anticipation to grow before you get to the climax. Try some level changes: kneel in front of him, lean over him, move back, circle around him. If you are not comfortable dancing, pick out a few poses beforehand that you think look sexy and move through those. Keep coming back to his face between layers, because a woman who is clearly enjoying being looked at is more compelling than any sequence of moves.
Remember, you do not have to stay serious. Strike a pose in a silly way, or laugh with him. Keep a dialogue going if that helps you feel more connected. He can root you on too.
Do not be afraid to touch him. Slide into his lap, slip your hands into his shirt, grab his hands and place them on your body.
If you are up for it, one of my favorite moves here is to slowly turn around and take two steps away from him. Take a wide stance, grab your pants, and slowly pull them to your ankles. Try to keep a flat back; it makes your butt look great. Once your pants are all the way down, step out of them and turn back around.
End
Now for the grand finale. If you want to make this last as long as possible, you can start undressing him. Unbutton his shirt, or slide it over his head. Touch his bare chest. If the mood is right, you can also start rubbing his penis through his pants, or slip your hand down there.
When you are ready, start taking off your bra. The best way I have found to do this is to unhook it, cross your arms and hold it in place, put one arm down and let that strap fall, switch hands and let the other side slip off, then drop both hands at the same time and let it fall to the floor. Do this from far away if you want him to really take in the finale, or perch on his lap if you want to lead straight into a makeout.
Whatever comes off last should take as long as everything before it combined. You are also not obligated to end fully undressed at all. A strip tease that stops at lingerie is often better than one that does not stop.
Husbands Can Do This Too
In this post I have focused on a wife giving a strip tease to her husband, but almost none of it is actually gendered. A husband stripping for his wife works on the same mechanics, and it often lands harder precisely because she is not expecting it. The layers rule, the slow pace, and the eye contact all transfer without modification. If your marriage carries a quiet assumption that the wife is the one who performs, this is a good week to test it.
After the Strip Tease
It is a good idea to set expectations for what you want to happen afterward. Do you want to go straight into sex, or do you still need some arousal? If you played a character, do you want to keep the role play going during intimacy, or does that make you uncomfortable? If this performance stretched your comfort zone, you may need a break afterward, or you may need him to take the reins. Communicate.
A strip tease does not have to lead anywhere in particular. It can be foreplay, it can be the whole evening, or it can be a thing you do on a Tuesday because you felt like it. Deciding in advance takes the pressure off, which is the same idea behind sorting your sex life by what each encounter is actually for rather than by technique.
Conclusion
A strip tease can be a fun present to give your husband, and it can honestly make you feel really sexy. Bring your own personality and charm into the routine. Do not feel like a failure if you feel silly. Allow yourself room to be bad at it. If you come into it with love for yourself and for your husband, you cannot go wrong.
Looking for more? Our hub is full of fun ways to make your love life more playful, and our 15 fun and sexy bedroom games are a natural next step. If the conversation about trying something new is the hard part, our 29 spicy questions to ask your spouse were built to start it. And for the bigger why behind all of this, episode 311 on how to stop having boring sex is worth an hour.
Want more playful ideas like this one? The Intimately Us app is full of prompts, dares and date ideas made for married couples. And if you are wondering whether something like this fits within a faith-filled marriage, see our pillar on sex and faith in marriage.
Strip Tease: Common Questions
Pick an outfit with layers you can remove slowly, set the room with low warm light, choose one song, and tell him where to sit and not to touch. Then move slower than feels natural. Show off the outfit, circle him, use level changes, and save the bra for the finale. The slow reveal is the whole point, not the destination.
You do not need to dance at all. The effect comes from pacing and attention rather than choreography. Wear extra layers so you have things to remove, move slowly, and keep coming back to eye contact. Swaying in place while you take something off is genuinely enough.
A strip tease is about removing clothing slowly and can be done standing anywhere in the room with no contact at all. A lap dance involves your husband seated while you move around and against him, and the chair is part of the setup. Many couples do both in the same evening.
Text him that you have a show for him and tell him where to sit. Come in from behind, run your hands down his arms, then step out in front and let him look. Take one layer off at a time with pauses in between. You do not need choreography. Swaying, eye contact and moving toward him and away again is more than enough.
It is a slow, deliberate performance of removing your clothing for your spouse, built around anticipation rather than nudity. The teasing is the point. A strip tease can last a single song or an entire routine, and it works just as well playful and funny as it does serious and sultry.
Wear more than you normally would, in layers you can remove gracefully. A robe over lingerie, a loose button-down over a bra, or a dress with a slip underneath all work well. Avoid anything that will fight you, like skinny jeans or complicated clasps. Props such as a hat, a tie or a scarf give you something extra to play with.
Choose something that makes you feel something, which is the only real rule. Slow and sultry is easiest for a first attempt because it gives you room to move without rushing. One song of three or four minutes is plenty. A track you already know well will steady your nerves more than a perfect playlist will.
Yes. Playful, erotic expression between a husband and wife sits comfortably within a faith-filled marriage. The Song of Solomon is essentially a poem about two people delighting in each other’s bodies. Offering yourself to your spouse this way is an act of intimacy and generosity, not something to feel ashamed of.
Written by Amanda Severson with Get Your Marriage On!
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