Getting back into the routine doesn’t have to mean mundane! Take your sex life back to school by creating a time, place, and way to Get Your Marriage On!
Back to school time can feel mundane. It means setting a regular schedule, saying goodbye to lazy mornings and pool days. However, not everything has to be mundane about going back to school. Let’s take this opportunity, with the kids getting out of the house, to go back to school with our sex life.
What Does That Mean?
What does “back to school” mean? In stores across America, signs, deals, and ad campaigns tell us our summer break is over and it’s time for the kids to go back to school. For school-aged kids, it means getting back to a regular schedule, often buying a lot of new supplies, and getting ready to learn!
For parents, back to school might mean that for the first time in months you get the house back to yourselves. Let your new schedule be the perfect situation to deepen your intimacy and spice up your sex life.
What if we acted like we were going “back to school” with our sex lives? Could we achieve a better sex life through implementing a schedule, getting new supplies, and coming ready to learn?
Creating a Schedule
Many people feel like it’s unsexy to schedule sex. They feel like sex should be about spontaenous desire and not being able to contain our arousal. Others don’t like feeling as if they have to have sex and feel pressured by the schedule. However, when we don’t schedule it, sex often becomes an after thought in our busy lives.
If we desire to continuingly deepen intimacy with our spouse, we cannot leave our sex lives up to chance. Scheduling sex means setting aside time to be together and focus on your relationship. The most important thing is not the sex, it’s that you have scheduled time together where you agree to do some physical activity that both of you enjoy. This takes the pressure off, but still prioritizes time together to build the relationship. Maybe instead of “scheduling sex” we could call it “setting aside time to build intimacy” (although that’s a little long ;)).
Last July, we had podcast guests Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo teach us about scheduling sex (listen to the full episode here!). In their relationship, they had decided they would like to have sex twice a week. They divide up the days of the week between the two of them (Tony has Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Alisa has Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday). Each spouse gets to choose one of their days to initiate sex. For Tony and Alisa, this is a great set up as they get to take turns initiating, have sex twice a week, and they get to surprise their partner with “spontaneous” initiating. Some couples may prefer to just schedule sexy time together based on their plans for the week. Others may want to take sex out of it completely and just schedule alone time, no strings attached.
Sit down with your spouse and look at your weekly routine. With the new school year starting, plan when the best times will be for you two to be alone together. Discuss how you feel about scheduling sex and make a plan that works for you!
Getting the Supplies
In my house growing up, each kid would come home from the first day of school with a long list of supplies they would need for the year ahead. My hero of a mother would sort through picked-over Walmart shelves to find “blue folder with pockets” or “spiral notebook with perforated edges”. What if we started a second back-to-school shopping list just for the adults of the house? Here are some suggestions:
In a relationship where both parties feel comfortable, sex toys can help couples reach new levels of pleasure and draw a couple closer together. For example, many women find that vibrators help them orgasm more consistently. Their husbands enjoy giving pleasure by using a vibrator on their wives and it requires a lot less energy from them, helping the sexual encounter to last longer. There are also sex toys that are meant to be used together, such as couples vibrators or C rings.
A lot of couples have questions about using sex toys. Many people feel hesitant because they fear using toys will degrade their relationship with their spouse. Others simply don’t know what’s available and how to use them. It can be intimidating to google sex toys or to walk into a sex shop.
As always, don’t try anything you or your spouse aren’t completely comfortable with. Talk with your spouse about adding sex toys to your intimacy. How do they feel about it? What boundaries could be put in place to make sure toys are used for the right purpose? (for example, a lot of couples set boundaries that they won’t use toys without their spouse present and involved). If both of you are ready to try it out, sex toys can add a lot of novelty and excitement.
For more information on sex toys, check out our blog post Enhancing Intimacy with Sex Toys. Here, we interviewed Blair and Teresa, the owners of Romantic Blessings. This is a nudity free site that sells intimacy related products. Their site can be a safe place for Christian couples who want to start exploring sex toys.
We also offer a few “Fling Baskets” on our site to help get you started and we plan to add more in time for the holidays! We have a small range of products, but everything we sell was chosen because we have tried it and loved it!
Books and Articles
It’s time to “hit the books”! In many other areas, learning means reading what the experts have to say. With sex, there is so much out there to learn that will help to improve your sexual experience and your relationship with your spouse. With summer ending, now may be a great time to pick out a few books for you and your spouse to learn from together! If you don’t know where to start, here is a list of books Get Your Marriage On! creator Dan Purcell recommends for Christian couples.
Not everyone has the time for reading books and others may not learn as well through lengthy, research based texts. The Intimately Us app has a Learn section of sorted articles that can help you discover the amazing things you can do to your spouse! Not a big reader? Tune into the Get Your Marriage On! Podcast to hear interviews with an array of professionals teaching us how to better our sexual and intimate lives or watch the Sexpert interviews on the Intimately Us app.
Lastly, for a more interactive experience, I would encourage couples to try one of our live workshops or coaching sessions. Spouses will be able to talk with our certified coach about specific topics, hear what others in the group have experienced, and ask questions. You can also access our past workshops (as well as the workbooks) on our website! For more information, here is our post explaining the benefits of coaching and all the options we offer at Get Your Marriage On!
As this new school year starts, I challenge you to commit to learning about sex and intimacy. All of these resources (or supplies) have the potential to teach you more about your spouse and their body, as well as deepening your connection. Oftentimes, we signal to our brain what is important by spending time or money on those things. Set a goal to make your sex life more important, and follow through by spending time and effort on it.
Come Ready to Learn
The last, most important part of going “back-to-school” is coming to learn. There is always more to learn about sex. We live in a culture where people are expected to be good at sex without ever being bad at it. Society holds unrealizitc expectations for both men and women about how sex should look and feel. However, in reality many of us spend our whole lives learning and growing in this area.
In addition, many Christians have grown up in environments where sex is a tabboo topic. For most of our lives, we have been conditioned that sex is something done between married persons, but never spoken of.
With all these expectations, it can be really hard to be open to learning about sex. It takes a lot of humility to acknowledge that our sex lives could be better. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and find a way to learn more. I promise you, though, the results will be 100% worth it.
Being willing to learn, change, and grow sexually will not just bring you more physical pleasure, it will deepen your emotional intimacy with your spouse and help you find more happiness within yourself. So why not start now?
This September, I invite all our readers to participate in our 30 day Sextember challenge! This means talking with your spouse about what area of your sex life you would like to improve, setting goals, and working on it for 30 days. With summer ending and school starting, make this September a time to learn and grow together with your spouse. To learn how to get started, read our Sextember invite!
Written by Amanda Severson with Get Your Marriage On!
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