The other day, my wife and I found ourselves playfully flirting throughout the day, hinting at what might come later that night. We were both on the same page—excited for some connection after a long day of life’s usual demands. But when 10 o’clock rolled around, the kids were finally in bed, and we climbed into bed ourselves, I could tell she wasn’t in the mood.
Have you ever been there? You’ve been building up this anticipation all day, only to hit a wall when the moment comes. What do you do?
Do you bring it up—reminding them of all the teasing and hints, hoping guilt might sway them? Or do you roll over in a huff, feeling rejected and frustrated? Or maybe you try to power through, thinking, If I touch her the right way, she’ll come around, and we’ll both have a good time.
Here’s the hard truth: you can’t rub your spouse into wanting intimacy—not for the right reasons, anyway. True intimacy, that deep connection fueled by eros energy, can’t be coerced or manufactured. It can only be invited.

A Thoughtful Approach
A more loving response might start with recognizing that your spouse isn’t just an extension of your desires—they’re their own person, with feelings, disappointments, and needs that might not align with yours in the moment. You could put your agenda aside for a moment, turn to them and say, “Hey, I can tell you’re not in the mood. What’s on your mind or heart?”
It’s a vulnerable question because their answer might not be what you want to hear. Maybe they’re tired, stressed, or just not feeling it. It also might mean you’re not going to get what you want. But leaning into that moment, seeing them as a whole person rather than a means to your gratification, is what deepens intimacy.

Honesty Goes Both Ways
The other side of this coin is just as important. The spouse who isn’t in the mood could offer honesty and kindness in return:
“I’m sorry to disappoint you. I was looking forward to it earlier, too, but right now, it’s hard for me to get in that mental space. Can we just be close in another way tonight? I still want you.”
This kind of honesty acknowledges both partners’ desires without shame or guilt, creating a foundation of trust and understanding. Easier said than done, I know, but honesty is the foundation for intimacy.
The Practice of Psychological Flexibility
Moments like these require us to be flexible—not just with our plans, but with our emotions. It takes maturity to let go of your expectations and settle down with your spouse when you may not always get what you want at the moment.
Your ability to gracefully handle a response you didn’t like has a huge effect on how trustworthy and safe you are as a person to your spouse, and sets you up for a higher chance of success for next time due to the connection and trust it builds.
It’s dang sexy snuggling up to a spouse that you know cares about YOU as a person first and foremost. It’s much easier opening up your heart, mind, and body to someone that is trustworthy of your heart, mind, and body.
And while some nights you may not have what you would define as sex, you will still be building a strong foundation in your marriage that leads to greater connection both emotionally, and physically.