Our childhood and families of origin have a profound impact on our worldviews, including our attitudes towards sex and intimacy. Not knowing anything different, for the most part, we tend to intuitively model what we’ve seen and absorbed from the culture we grew up in.
My wife and I are blessed to come from wonderful families. We had good childhoods and felt the support and care of our parents, which I’m very grateful for. Yet, after we were married, we were anxious about sex, which we felt was quite taboo. And for a long time really plagued us in our marriage.
The reality is sexual growth and understanding is actually developmental, meaning we grow from stage to stage line-by-line one step at a time If we choose the courageous path of growth, as we discussed in our episode last week.
There are many in midlife that realized their past attitudes towards sex and intimacy are no longer serving them today. They might come to a crisis in their relationship or feel stretched in their marriage to grow and progress. I hope that this podcast, my apps, my programs, and my retreats help you wherever you are on your journey and help you learn truths and apply principles to aid you in your spiritual and sexual development.
My guests today are Dr. Heidi Hastings and Dr. Scott Hastings. Heidi has her PhD in human development and family studies, and Scott is a medical doctor and physician. Talk about a power couple! They are also the hosts of the Marriage IQ podcast, and I’ve had the opportunity to get to know them personally over the last year.
And I am excited that you get to meet them here today, too!
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Couples Retreat – An intensive, romantic, and life-changing weekend that will strengthen your marriage and sexual intimacy.
Virtual Lovemaking Retreat – Easily accessible due to its virtual nature, this retreat on February 14th-15th is the perfect Valentines gift to you and your spouse!
14-Day Sextimacy Challenge – Complete challenges in the Intimately Us app to earn points and a chance to win one of our amazing prizes. Starts February 1! All the details are in the app.
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Dan: We had good childhoods and felt the support and care of our parents. Um, very grateful for it yet after we were married, we were anxious about sex, which we felt was quite taboo. And for a long time really played us in our marriage. The reality is sexual growth and understanding is actually developmental.
Meaning we grow from stage to stage line-by-line one step at a time. If we choose the courageous path of growth. Like I said, it takes a lot of courage, [00:01:00] trust and determination to grow sexually as an individual and as a couple. There are many in midlife that realized our past attitudes towards sex and intimacy are no longer serving them today.
They might come to a crisis in their relationship or feel stretched in their marriage to grow and progress. This podcast, my apps, my programs, and my retreats. I hope help you, whoever you are on your journey, learn truths and apply principles to aid you in your spiritual and sexual development. As I believe those two are. closely linked together. My guests today are Dr.
Heidi and Dr. Scott Hastings. Heidi has her PhD in human development and family studies. And Scott is a medical doctor and physician. I talk about a smart power couple, right. There are also the hosts of the marriage IQ podcasts, and I’ve had the opportunity to get to know them personally over the last year.
And I am excited that you get to meet them here today, too.
Can we talk about sexy romance for a moment? Valentine’s day is [00:02:00] Friday, February 14th, and this year we want to do something we’ve never done before, and that is celebrate it with you in a very romantic and sexy way by putting on a virtual retreat. How it works is that you and your sweetheart join us live from your home or from a cozy hotel where we will guide you through a sexual practice.
That’s fun and deeply connecting over three sessions. And the sexual practice will teach. It’s good for anyone, whether you’re comfortable with sex already as a couple or a little bit shy. I promise it’s going to be a very positive experience for both of you. If you follow along with our instructions that we want to give you, it’s going to be a really good experience.
If you set aside the time for it. You can join us live or you can catch the recordings that we can just doesn’t work for you. And more details are on our website under retreats and virtual retreat, or check out the link in the show notes below.
Heidi and Scott, welcome to the Get Your Marriage On podcast. How are you today?
Heidi/Scott: Great. Thanks for having us on, Dan. We’re happy to be with you. Yes. Thank you. Glad to be here.
Dan: That’s great. [00:03:00] So to start things off, I want you to tell me a story of perhaps a time you felt really hot and bothered in the bedroom.
Heidi/Scott: Well, let’s just jump right in. Why don’t we, do you want to take this? Sure. what comes to mind is early on in our marriage, when we were married, the men who performed our marriage told us that, the law of romance was something that we really needed to focus on and live that the law of chastity, which previously had meant don’t have any kinds of things that get, get you hot and bothered then changed to
the law of romance.
And so at that point, we saw that as. Burning candles by our bed and we used a lot of candles, some, some good music. And, uh, we had a canopy bed and so
probably, so for the guys out there, canopy beds have little lacy stuff that hangs [00:04:00] off of it. I’m pretty sure it would not pass any fire codes. Yes. Clearly did not pass fire code in our bedroom. Right, so this particular time we were hot and bothered physically when we started to smell smoke and looked over and saw flames going up the side of the bed and on the pillow. Because remember this lace, it drapes down the bed so the flames are shooting up the canopy. So that splashed water immediately on our intimate moments, and instead ran to throwing pillows out in the garage to try to squelch the fire. So our bed was literally on fire. A burning bed. What
Dan: That’s awesome.
That’s a great bedroom blooper. That’s awesome. So, Scott, you’re a medical doctor, you’re a physician, and Heidi, you have a Ph. D. you’re a power couple, for sure. But I want,
can you tell me, Heidi, what was your Ph. D. dissertation [00:05:00] about, and what did you learn from it? Mm
Heidi/Scott: Yeah. So my area of study is family studies in human development, an area that I really love and I studied religious women and their experience with having a husband using, pornography. Um, in a
problematic way or, other compulsive sexual behaviors. And as part of that, I ended up really focusing on sexuality and how this impacts a woman’s sexuality.
Dan: Great. What did you learn from the women you interviewed?
Heidi/Scott: they largely told me that as, young women and early in marriage knew nothing about sex other than don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it. And then all of a sudden do it and it’s going to be wonderful and it’s going to be great. But they really struggled to make that transition. And in my study, I was studying [00:06:00] several different Christian religions as well as Judaism.
And, I had a Muslim participant as well. Yeah. And I will say that the Jewish women had a very different experience. Their
experience was very pro, sex, healthy sexuality. The men were to please their women every week before the start of the Sabbath. But, but the Christian women in my study, for the most part, Had no comprehension of what healthy sexuality was like. And this seemed to amplify the distress that they felt when they were doing the best they could sexually to show up for their husband. And then because of pornography felt rejected often, uh, in 50 percent of the cases, they said he would not have sex with them
probably because of masturbation. Uh, during viewing pornography. Taints the ability for a man to be intimate when, that is a, a long
term [00:07:00] behavior. Yeah. That’s a great way to
say that. Yeah. But they did later as they moved into healing, they wanted to understand what health, healthy sexuality was. They wanted to view it from a different lens than what they’d grown up with, which, you know, for the most part was it’s your duty to serve your husband.
Dan: Gotcha. So we’re talking about human development here and sexual development is that it’s just that it’s a developmental process. We start someplace and then we got to grow into new capacities. Can you tell me about your own personal journey developing your capacities here? It might even mirror some of the stories of those you interviewed for your dissertation.
Heidi/Scott: Sure. Yeah. So I grew up in a, in a very conservative Christian home that, we weren’t really allowed to talk about anything sexual. My dad tried sometimes, but my mom kind of put a squash on it and that for me set [00:08:00] the example that this isn’t something that you talk about. And when it was time to get married, the discussion was extremely brief. Basically focused on, my responsibility as a wife.
Dan: You have a duty to perform.
Heidi/Scott: Yes. Yes. So, that’s how I entered marriage. I was very young. And then in that first marriage, there was a lot of infidelity. Uh, so that also really tainted the way that I felt about sexuality. So I had a lot of baggage from that. And yet, when Scott and I married, I was, I was excited to have a sexual relationship with him and, and he’s been so amazing and patient with all of that. Uh,
Dan: great.
Heidi/Scott: It’s interesting hearing this story again. I think that, it’s a journey of learning and I find it highly unfortunate that we don’t look at sex more [00:09:00] positively, um, as youth.
And I think there’s this concern that, Oh my gosh, they’re going to take this information and go out and just screw everyone.
But yet, if you look at data, that’s not the case any more than if you weren’t. In fact, probably even less so. And, and I just, I don’t understand why a lot of people have to live half their lives, at least, living in this, kind of a, sexual no man’s zone. A, you know, a purgatory, if you will. I just don’t I don’t get it.
Um, yeah, that’s how it is. So I came into my marriage with Scott, wanting to be close to him, excited for new possibilities, um, hoping for trust this time. And,
and yet I think I had still carrying with me a lot of the baggage from both, Religious scripts
and from betrayal trauma
that [00:10:00] made it, I think we had a decent experience, but sex was more on the periphery for me.
And when he would suggest things, typically the good girl in me was no, I don’t
want to do that. I
Dan: Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: do that. And he, he was good to always get consent, but. I think we extended the growth of our sexual development, mine at least. Well, yeah. Well, I think it’s interesting because I don’t think you ever said no, as far as I can remember, but, but yet perhaps. no to having sex, but I did say no to, certain things. Okay. It just appeared that, like you said, like sex was still kind of on the sideline. Yeah. It was something you did. It wasn’t something that you, you are, right. And so that, that took some time. Yeah. [00:11:00] Us as humans who have kind of that similar background, the majority research shows stay in that lower level of development for their entire lives. 60 percent stay in that lower level of development.
Dan: Yeah, because it takes an incredible amount of courage to push through to get to that next stage, doesn’t it?
Heidi/Scott: Well, it takes courage or crisis. And so,
Uh for the women in my study, it took crisis to
be able to look and say, as they were healing, as they were learning, something was missing. Something was really missing. And I want to do things different now. quite a number of them would say, I want to learn about healthy sexuality.
And those who stayed with their husbands, which about a third. Did, they had completely transformed the sexual relationship within their marriage.
Dan: That’s, so that’s great. That’s so hopeful. I like that.
Heidi/Scott: Yeah.
Dan: [00:12:00] So tell me about your own crisis. I’m sure things didn’t stay that way for a long time.
Heidi/Scott: What are you talking about? I was bliss from the beginning and I’m a great liar. So I don’t know for me that it started out so much with crisis at that point, I’d had other crises that still didn’t push me into future development and growth in this area,
but I
did start to be curious about what’s wrong with me. I felt like, all of the things that I hear other people talking about, I’m not experiencing. Yes, I felt very close to my husband when we had those deep sexual intimate moments, but I didn’t have language to describe what I wanted. I didn’t have, really good understandings of the sexual biology and physiology of a woman.
Uh, and [00:13:00] so
Dan: you didn’t realize this at the time? You didn’t,
Heidi/Scott: well, I, I was starting to have little bits of, yes, you’re right.
I didn’t understand it, but I was starting to become a little bit curious. And I found a book that was written from a religious perspective,
which for me as a religious woman is exactly what I needed and started to have these aha moments of, Oh my goodness, I am not broken after all,
Dan: Mm-hmm . Uhhuh.
Heidi/Scott: because I think up to that point, there was a lot of, not understanding, um, you know, Scott would say, why can’t you initiate more?
Why can’t you initiate more? Why can’t you initiate
more? I’m like, I don’t know. I just don’t think about it. I am busy with the kids. I am busy with this. I’m busy with that. And I think a lot of times too, in those experiences, my head wasn’t totally present, which I didn’t understand was normal also. Um,
and so I was feeling What is wrong with [00:14:00] me? So this book really helped for starters. The second big thing I think helped was I felt very very inspired to go to grad school
and as part of my Human Development and Family Studies program. If I wanted to become nationally certified as a family life educator,
I had to take a class in family sexuality. And I really wanted the certification. I really wanted to have those letters behind my name and that, that capacity and those possibilities. But I was dragging my feet on the family sexuality. Class
and I saved it till almost the end. And I thinking and praying about it and eventually decided, yes, this is what I need to do. went to the
class. Okay.
Dan: why do you think you felt so much resistance about taking the class?
What were you anticipating being uncomfortable about it?
Heidi/Scott: it was at a university that was pretty liberal[00:15:00]
and I wasn’t sure if my values would be, um,
Dan: maybe? Mm hmm. Mm
Heidi/Scott: and as well, I think I still just didn’t have the language to speak about sex. And so it was just really highly intimidating. with a good girl type of a syndrome, a lot of the things I heard other people talking about, I understood.
And
so that was, how I’d framed it in my mind that I still think there was an element of talking about sex that made me feel some shame.
Dan: hmm.
Heidi/Scott: So I took the class. It was, uh, About a 400 page textbook of which only three pages were on marital sex.
Dan: Okay. Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: a lot of it was on things about sexuality that made me so, so uncomfortable.
I, my fears were coming true. Right.
Dan: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: and yet. I had assignments that I had to do, and I would [00:16:00] stress about it. I would cry about it. I would just stress and fret. And finally went to prayer, just really, really sincere prayer asking God to help me see sexuality through his eyes.
Dan: Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: And things started to change.
I was able to start finding resources, research, that aligned more closely with my belief system.
Dan: Mm hmm.
Heidi/Scott: And Started to see, women’s sexuality in a different light. Uh, it’s like Scott said, often defined through the lenses of men, because. Early research is almost all done by men.
Dan: Mm hmm.
Heidi/Scott: If you want to look at the definition of libido and research, it’s through a men’s perspective and we need to change that.
Do you want to talk more about that? You go ahead and finish your story. Okay.
Dan: Now’s a good time. Let’s talk more about that, Scott.
Heidi/Scott: Yeah. I think, oh, so, um, just, It’s interesting when I, we, we both like love to do research.
so we look up [00:17:00] studies, um, are constantly looking at things. and the, thing that that’s interesting to me is that, when we talk about libido, when we talk about sex drive, We think that’s sitting there thinking about sex. That’s wanting sex. That’s
thinking about my partner desiring to have sex with them. Okay, so
we need to back off, back away. And start thinking like a woman. Okay. And most women, how do women think? Well, no,
look, I’m a guy. I can’t change that. Right.
Dan: Uh
Heidi/Scott: I
can try really hard to get in the shoes of a woman. And the reality is, and there are several books and papers on like women largely do not think about sex. They don’t wake up in the morning like men do and say, how am I going to get some nookie today? Like [00:18:00] they just don’t.
And that’s okay. That’s normal. That does not mean. They don’t have a sex drive because again, we’re defining everything through what a guy thinks of as sex drive.
And that is you wake up in the morning and I’m thinking about sex. Um, a lot of guys, many times through the day, many times through the day about sex. So, uh, really a lot of times for women, that sex drive does not begin until actually. intercourse has begun and the process that begins with the penile stimulation. Of course, there are other things that go into play as well with foreplay and, and, uh, mentally and emotionally. Getting ready for it and emotional intimacy. Yes. But when you want to talk about sex drive from a female point of view, a lot of times it does not begin until sex has begun. [00:19:00] And it’s really hard for men to wrap their, their heads around this idea. But when we talk to women about that. And they, like this light bulb goes on. It’s like, Oh yeah. And it’s just defined differently. And so I think it’s really important to be sensitive about when we talk about higher and lower desire partners. if we’re specifically talking about sex drive, We, I think, should be careful because we certainly don’t want to label people and say, this is who you are, right? And that, that desire increases, decreases up and down between partners over a lifetime. And we want to make sure we define that because sometimes it may very well be that those libidos are matched.
It’s just, we’re defining them. In a different way.
Dan: That’s good.
Heidi/Scott: it’s, I think it’s, it’s a, it’s a light bulb moment for a lot of women to, to hear that presented that way and they’re like, Oh, I’m not broken. I’m not, you know, the brain is the biggest sex organ for women and for [00:20:00] men, but for women in making the decision first
Dan: Right. Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: then paying attention to our bodies.
Dan: Right. So, Scott, what was your experience like with Heidi going through this, sexuality class? What was going on on your side of things?
Heidi/Scott: Well, I remember thinking it’s about time. I
just remember like this big weight off my shoulders and like, wow, this is awesome. and this is mind you, this is before all the kids are out of the house. And
so, our kids, I think they’ve been scarred for life, but I think in a good way. They know
we have a very healthy sexual relationship.
They’re very well aware of it. You can’t hide
it much when they’re still in the house. But I mean, It was the start of a new journey and I’m like, okay, giddy up, let’s go,
Dan: Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: So a couple of years before that, Scott had gifted me the book, The Passionate Marriage by David Schnartz, [00:21:00] Dr. David
Dan: Uh huh. Uh huh. That’s a very thoughtful gift, I should say.
Heidi/Scott: I didn’t find it to be very thoughtful. I
Dan: Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: again, evidence that I was broken. Once again, evidence that I wasn’t enough. I was really scared to show it to you. I waited months before I showed it to you. But when I was doing my research for this sexuality class, family sexuality class, this is one of the resources that I went to.
I remembered that he gave me that book and I loved, loved, loved reading what he’s got in here about self differentiation, about,
um,
Dan: Development
Heidi/Scott: human development just goes
along exactly with, with what I was studying at the time. And
Dan: huh.
Heidi/Scott: I, I think I learned far more by reading his books, by reading some other research than I did at all with anything from the textbook or anything else in the class.
And
it was a game [00:22:00] changer.
Dan: Heidi, if you were to summarize the heart of the message of passionate marriage for people who’ve never heard about it before, what would you say is the heart of the message of the book?
Heidi/Scott: Well, I feel like Understanding my own identity and becoming strong in who I am, knowing what I believe, knowing what I think, knowing what my desires are, knowing how my body responds to things. Just becoming more self aware and more, focused on my sexual identity
is vital because if all of my sexual. Preference is based upon my husband.
Dan: Mm hmm.
Heidi/Scott: it can do nothing good for me. It can do
little for me.
And, and that became very evident in my research. The women started to fill their husband’s pull away. They started to. suspect something was wrong with either the pornographies or the, or the other, compulsive sexual behaviors, infidelity or [00:23:00] whatever.
And, they kept trying to control the relationship through giving away their own sexual agency. Okay. I know I wouldn’t said I wouldn’t do this before, but now I will do it. And like they gave away so much of their agency step by step by step. Okay. That then finally, when they figured out what it was that going was going on and they felt betrayed because of the behaviors, they had no leg to stand on. They didn’t know who they were anymore. they had no solid, stable foundation of their own sexual identity of their own self. So
having a reflected sense of self. In their case and in even my own case, was more destructive than if we take that time and make that effort to understand who we are, what we believe, what we like, questioning our thoughts, making that a part of our identity.
I would say with the passionate marriage, uh, just learning identity, being [00:24:00] intentional, learning insight and growing intimacy, which those are the four foundational cornerstones of our podcast. And they came from my research, which I did use some Dr. Schnarch, references in my research.
Cause isn’t it true? Like if you have a truly passionate marriage. it’s fearless. It’s one where you feel very comfortable going really deep, very vulnerable, very intimate with your partner and being OK with each other. So I’m a deep level. Yeah, I’m glad you said that, because the other thing the other side of that and the What I got out of this book is then I need to be flexible with what my partner thinks that’s different than me.
I don’t shame him and, feel like you’re bad. I’m good. I
Dan: Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: I don’t want to use the I don’ts. I’d rather say I do. curiously want to understand where his perspective is coming from and, be open to talking about things in an intimate [00:25:00] way without feeling like I need to fold into his, same person.
We’re two individuals. Our superpower is that we think differently and we can
bring both. Schools of thought to the table. Well, and let me tell you, Dan, that takes a lifetime to get there. It does. It takes a lifetime of learning and sharpening the saw. Once you get there, it’s because if you don’t sharpen it, it’s, it just goes backwards and it takes a lifetime of learning about your spouse. I don’t know my spouse. I we’ve been married for 28 years, but I don’t know her. And the moment I think I know her, I’m I’m lost because.
We, we’ve lost that intimacy because I’ve lost the curiosity. So
Dan: so good.
Heidi/Scott: I always have to be curious. Even if I, I’ve known you now for 29 years, I don’t know you, so I need to find out. [00:26:00] And that’s always helpful in keeping a, uh, sexual relationship a little bit stable.
Dan: That’s good. So, tell me more about, this class, this book, this research, and then your own dissertation. Now, if you had a message for the world, what would it be?
Heidi/Scott: Oh my goodness, let me add one more thing. Can I add in
Dan: yeah, yeah.
Heidi/Scott: more part of my journey that was very transformational? And I was at a national council of family relations annual conference here in the Dallas Fort Worth area and met Dr. Shalom Levitt, who you’ve had on your podcast. And she
was thinking about sexual mindfulness
Dan: Mm hmm.
Heidi/Scott: and that took our, understanding of sexuality to a whole new level that was really beautiful and wonderful. Um, and she and I connected and she opened up so many of her resources to me. She was so [00:27:00] generous with that. so perhaps that leads into answering your question and that’s. Keep learning,
keep being willing to learn. I think we’re only barely tapping in to what the capacity is to have deep connecting, transformational sexual relationships. And I don’t think that is all about tips and tricks. I
think it’s about deep, deep intimacy, deep connection, deep learning together, vulnerable communication. Sexual communication is a big part of that, that that takes a lifetime though. We say vulnerable communication, but what we mean by vulnerable communication is a lifetime of giving and taking of perhaps feeling offended sometimes or feeling hurt or feeling angry. And then coming back, knowing the steps to repair, right?[00:28:00]
Because when you say vulnerable communication. That, that takes an entire lifetime of getting there. And the thing that’s funny, well, funny, exciting, whatever, how you want to
put it is that as we find new, deeper levels of communication between each other, it’s. Even more grandiose, more scintillating than we could ever imagine. Like even before it’s like, wow. And guess what? It can only be done between one man and one woman. not between a man and a lot of. Girlfriends or prostitutes or a woman with having affair with it, it
Dan: It can’t produce the depth that, uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: of life that I, I think God wants us to have to experience can only be found in this very deeply intimate, personal, lifelong experience with your spouse. [00:29:00] And sometimes you think things are going to work and they don’t, and you back up and you try it again. That doesn’t mean you run, you run away, right? That doesn’t mean, Oh, I’m out. This is, this is messy. I don’t want it. And when we get busy, sexuality can be one of the first things to go. When there are so many busy, busy things.
And so having it on the calendar, Having it scheduled, making it a priority,
Dan: Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: is is vital to keeping it moving, keeping that scintillating part of our marriage. Growing and transforming. Oh,
Dan: That is so good. Great.
In all this that you’re talking about, I can see couples need to develop great sexual communication skills. Can you tell me about what you’ve learned along the way about how to communicate about sex effectively as a couple?
Heidi/Scott: Yes, I think we started to, as I started to learn more about healthy sexuality, we realized sexual communication, This is really important [00:30:00] and because I formerly hadn’t had the language to talk about it needed to learn more about biology and physiology and more about, sexual anatomy in terms. But let’s be honest here. It’s hard. It’s difficult. And so what we have done in our Relationship is we have written it down as a weekly goal, like it’s written down.
It’s part of the intentionality to talk about it every week. And I keep track so I can see at the end of the year, that what percentage of the weeks we talked about sex with that.
Let me say it. It was not always successful, and it was not always comfortable. Yeah, no, I don’t want you to have the illusion that it was this perfect, uh, project. And it’s
still a work in progress. To be honest, it is. We started out by, talking about it on our dates on Friday
Dan: Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: [00:31:00] And my head’s not there. That
did not work. Yeah. We determined Heidi’s head needs to be in the game. So we, so for us, for my head, my head’s always in the game. So that’s, that’s not a, that’s not a problem
Dan: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: for me. My head is in the game right after we have sex. It’s not in
the game three hours later or three days later or, or whatever.
And so, yeah, we also, this might sound funny, but every week we attend a religious, meeting and on the way we read from this book on sex and we discuss it. And so between those two things, right after sex and, in the car,
Dan: Uh huh.
Heidi/Scott: and we, we, we record it, we remember, we discuss it.
It’s, it’s very nice to be able to have this weekly discussion on sex. Typically when there’s a request to do something sexually, this, this can [00:32:00] be met with some resistance. So I think it’s important to make sure that we’re all in the right headspace when we’re talking about these things to be open, to make sure we’re well fed, we’re well rested,
Dan: Yes.
Heidi/Scott: just open and to present things. In ways that are very open and not, well, I want this, you want that, or you want this, so you need to do this. Like that’s the tit for tat thing is not, does that doesn’t work.
So
Dan: Right.
Heidi/Scott: equal power, equal, ability to give consent. All of those things are, are great things to include in sexual communication.
Dan: Great. It’d be equal partners in it. We share something.
As I’ve, my wife and I have been reflecting our very best sexual experiences that we’ve ever had, just say our top three, one thing in common is they all started very organic. It wasn’t a produced thing. It wasn’t a forced thing. There’s this [00:33:00] idea of coming to this base camp, this home.
And then things kind of unfold from there and, our worst sexual experiences are when it’s not that way. It’s like you’re trying to produce something or we’re trying to get to some sort of a goal or something, or it’s about you don’t do this enough. So, okay, I’ll give in. So I do do that. Then it’s just this forced thing.
It’s never a ends up being a good experience. So I like that.
Heidi/Scott: Well, we, I think things can be planned, but not forced.
Dan: Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Heidi/Scott: planning sex is actually really healthy, putting it on your calendar, but so is unscheduled sex too. Right. but I see what your, your point, kind of letting it unfold organically is, is really nice. And that’s where I think sexual mindfulness really plays in. That is such a great, uh, way for that.
Dan: Yes. And for our listeners, I did a three week intensive seminar series with Shalom Levitt. You can [00:34:00] find on our website, and we’ll go in depth on all these topics that we’re hinting on here.
Heidi/Scott: Yes. Yep. Such a,
such a great program. She’s got there.
Dan: Great. Very good. Where can people go to learn more about what you do and your podcast and things like that?
Heidi/Scott: Well, we, we have our, uh, a podcast marriage IQ, or a website marriage IQ. com, and we bring research. we bring life experiences. We bring stories, we talk about, how to become a better spouse by becoming a better person.
That the intelligence spouse knows that in order to change your marriage from a stinky to a scintillating one first requires a change in yourself, and that links back into self differentiation. We have to know ourselves. Yeah. So I also have, a website, dr heidi hastings.com [00:35:00] with no period after the Doctor Where I have some of my research on there, we have a betrayal IQ also that we’re going to be starting up before very long. And we hope soon to, launch newly wet IQ
and sexuality will be a piece of all of these. It’s all human development. it’s all based foundational cornerstones, again, of identity, intentionality, insight, and intimacy.
Dan: Very good
Well, thank you very much. It’s such a pleasure to have you here and share your wisdom with me and with all of our listeners.
Thank you.
Heidi/Scott: Thank you so much for inviting us. And it’s good to see you again.
Dan: Thank you for listening to this episode, please share it along with our apps and timidly us. And just between us with their married friends. I promise they will thank you for life. If you want a more meaningful sexual and [00:36:00] intimate connection in your marriage, I invite you to check out my, get your marriage on program.
Over a hundred couples have said this program packs tremendous value and has helped their intimacy grow to the next level. Now go get your marriage on.
