Many of us remember the excitement of our wedding night. We had fallen in love with this incredible person and were finally getting to experience that love physically. It is exhilarating to dream about that moment when your love will finally see your naked body and to picture how enthralled they will be with you.
But what about when that excitement ends? What about when seeing your spouse naked becomes commonplace? What about when you have had sex with the same person 100 times? At this point, insecurities can start to creep in. Many of us have asked ourselves questions like…
- What if my husband gets immune to seeing me naked?
- Will my wife still want to have sex with me if my body is less fit?
- Should I play hard to get with my husband?
- What if I can’t please my wife enough?
- If I say yes too often, will my husband lose interest?
- If I don’t “spice things up”, will my wife get bored?
All of these center around one main idea: is will my partner become desensitized to having sex with me? If you have felt anything like this, know you are not alone. After the anticipation of wedding night, it can be scary to think about that excitement fading. Many people worry that, in some way or another, their spouse will get desensitized to having sex with them. I call this, sexual desensitivity
The Simple Answer is, No!
As common as this fear of sexual desensitivity is, know that it is baseless. So often, media outlets glorify the one night stand; a sexual encounter driven by animal desire. We see an amazingly attractive man or woman flirt with, tease, and tempt their partner until they cannot stand it any more. These types of media relationships often end in a singular sexual encounter. If we try to compare our married relationships to these fast, furious, and fake media relationships, we sometimes feel like we are falling short.
The truth of the matter is, real relationships don’t work like that. We don’t find each other sexy just because of the novelty of seeing someone naked. We don’t only want what is forbidden or unavailable. We have God-given desires to be intimate with our spouse. As time goes on, continued sexual encounters will only help a loving husband and wife grow closer together. A sexual relationship between two loyal and loving partners has so much more to offer than a forbidden one night stand. Sexual desensitivity is a myth if you are talking about a loyal and intimate relationship.
So What do We do When We Feel Anxious?
Even though we know these insecurities are groundless, that doesn’t fix the fears we feel. We worry that eventually, our spouse will get tired of us for one reason or another.
Here are 6 ways to combat those feelings of insecurity in a sexual relationship.
What to do When Feeling Anxious about Sexual Desensitivity
- Ask your spouse how they feel about you When I asked my husband if he would ever get tired of seeing me naked, he looked at me with the most confused expression. “Absolutely not.” was his answer. As insecure as you feel, your spouse still sees the amazing person they fell in love with. Talk with them about your insecurities. Reassure each other that you are still excited about the prospect of being together.
- Express Gratitude Multiple studies have shown that one of the best cures for anxiety in a relationship is expressions of gratitude (Such as this 2019 study from the National Library of Medicine). Take a quiet moment to think about your spouse. Think about what you love about them, about the things they do that make you happy, and then tell them. It can also be helpful to an anxious spouse to hear gratitude from their partner. Always being generous with your gratitude is a verifiable way to combat relational anxiety.
- Relive Good Memories When anxiety strikes, it can be hard to remember the good times. Take time to reflect on the best moments of your marriage. When I’m feeling anxious, I like to pull out my wedding photos. I remember how excited I and my husband were to just be together. We weren’t worried about anything, because we knew from that moment on we would always have each other. Whether it’s pulling out a photo album, reading a journal, or just reminiscing together, remembering good times can act as a balm to soothe the anxious mind. The Intimately Us app can be a good tool for recording favorite sexy memories.
- Play Out an Old Favorite It can be overwhelming to try and come up with something new to try in bed, especially when you have been married a long time. Give yourself permission to dig up some old favorites. Remember, sex is not about novelty but about continually building intimacy with your spouse. Sometimes, rehashing a sexual experience you know you have both enjoyed in the past can help ease those anxieties. Even when sex is predictable, it’s still pretty great.
- Enjoy Intimacy without Expectations Enjoy a night together where you have both agreed to not have sex. Setting the expectation that “nothing” will happen can be incredibly freeing to a spouse who is worried they will lose their charm. Cuddle, joke around, touch each other, be silly. Just be happy being together without the pressure of having sex. Read our post “” for more ideas on taking a sex break.
- Reclaim your Sexuality: These insecurities often surface when we spend so much time worried about pleasing our spouse, we forget our own sexual desires. What makes you feel sexy? What do you like about your body? What sexual experiences make you feel confident in yourself? There is nothing sexier than a man or woman who loves themselves and is confident in their own sexuality. The Get Your Marriage On! Sexploration Guide could be a great tool to reconnect with your own sexuality and better your intimate relationship with your spouse.
It’s completely normal to wonder if your spouse could ever get tired of having sex with you (i.e. sexual desensitivity). There are so many voices out there telling you that sexual desire will drive a person to what is new and novel. Although we know that’s not true, it can sometimes be hard to get rid of those fears. If you are experiencing this kind of anxiety, join our community! We offer group and 1:1 coaching sessions to help people realize they are not alone in their anxieties and that their marriage can move past them and be better than ever.
Written by Amanda Severson with Get Your Marriage On!