If you missed our podcast episode on dirty talk, watch it here!
“Dirty talk” has little to do with being dirty. It’s about using your words to invite arousal. It’s like foreplay with your words! It includes all forms of communication, including writing, texting, or just talking to your spouse! You might wonder if dirty talking is right for you, or even appropriate for your marriage. This article is for you! You may feel comfortable with dirty talk and simply want fresh ideas. This article is also for you!
Oftentimes, one spouse in a relationship will want to try dirty talk, but the other has a lot of hesitations. You may feel awkward or like you don’t know where to start. You may associate dirty talk with sexting or pornography and are afraid to get anywhere close to that. The phrase “dirty talk” may just not sound appealing to you. It’s normal to not want to feel dirty! In fact, some of us may feel more comfortable calling it sexy talk, sexy stories, or spicy messages. Check out this poll from our Instagram followers!
So, it looks like a lot of our followers feel turned on by dirty talk (in the right context) but feel awkward starting it or uncomfortably because they don’t feel they know what to do.
Dirty Talk Examples: From Sweet to Bold
Here’s the thing about the phrase “dirty talk”: it scares a lot of good people off before they ever open their mouths. So let me reframe it. My friend Melanie Studley calls it erotic conversation, and I love that. It’s just intimate language, words reserved for the two of you that you’d never use anywhere else. In the context of your marriage, that’s not crude. It’s actually kind of sacred.
You don’t have to start explicit. In fact, please don’t. The examples below climb from sweet and simple up to bold, so you can start wherever you’re comfortable and move up only as far as feels right. Most of these are things you’re probably already thinking. The whole trick is saying them out loud.
Level 1: Sweet and Simple
Some of the most arousing things a spouse can hear are the tender ones. This is your on-ramp, and it counts.
- “You are so beautiful to me.”
- “I love the way you feel.”
- “I’ve been thinking about you all day.”
- “I love being close to you like this.”
Level 2: Say What You Notice
Once that feels natural, get a little more specific. Compliment what you see, and describe what you’re feeling in the moment.
- “I love your body.”
- “You smell amazing.”
- “I can’t stop looking at you.”
- “Touching you like this feels incredible.”
- “I love it when you do that.”
Level 3: Tell Them You Want Them
This is where appreciation turns into longing. For most spouses, feeling wanted is the single biggest turn-on there is, and questions work beautifully here because asking is both vulnerable and arousing.
- “I want you.”
- “I’ve been wanting this all week.”
- “Tell me what you want.”
- “I want to make you feel good.”
- “Stay right there. I want to look at you.”
- “You. Bed. Now.”
Level 4: Guide and Give Feedback
A lot of couples skip this one, and it’s a shame, because telling your spouse what feels good is some of the most connecting talk there is. Keep it short and real.
- “Right there. That feels amazing.”
- “Slower.”
- “Don’t stop.”
- “I love it when you touch me like that.”
- “Come closer.”
- “I’m about to come.”
- “Your orgasm sends ripples of goodness through me, into the universe.”
Level 5: Go Bolder
If you both want to go further, this is where you start narrating: telling your spouse what you want to do, what you’re doing, and what you want them to do next. One tip from Melanie first: agree on your vocabulary outside the bedroom, because blurting out a word your spouse finds jarring is like throwing a bucket of cold water on the moment. A couple of the lines below leave a blank for your own private nickname.
- “I can’t wait to have you tonight.”
- “I love the way you take control.”
- “I’m not finished with you yet.”
- “Tell me exactly what you want me to do to you.”
- “I want to do you so bad right now.”
- “I can’t wait to meet you in your secret garden.”
- “Your ______ is blooming.”
- “Your taste is sublime.”
- “I want to taste you.”
- “I love the feel of your big ______ in my mouth.”
- “I can’t wait to drive you wild with the way I’m going to suck on you tonight.”
What Makes Any of These Land
Tone matters as much as the words. A whispered “I want you” lands completely differently than the same three words said flatly, so slow down and mean it. And don’t perform; the second it feels like you’re acting, it loses its power. The goal is to let your spouse hear what’s actually going on inside you. If you stumble over your words, laugh. You’re married, and a little awkwardness only pulls you closer.
Want to practice with less pressure? Try it over text first with our list of sexy text messages to send your spouse, or listen to our full episode on the art of dirty talk. And if you want the complete playbook, with worksheets, games, and a step-by-step path from nervous to confident, our guide From Awkward to Arousing is built specifically for Christian couples.
And for anyone whose faith makes this feel off-limits: it isn’t. I believe God designed sex, your bodies, and your unique paths towards erotic interest and arousal. Using arousing language is an effective way to validate the pull between a husband and wife. Speaking to your spouse this way is not new, but has been around for a long time. For example, The Song of Solomon in the Bible is full of a married couple describing each other in frank, poetic detail. Using your words to let your spouse into your heart during intimacy isn’t a violation of your faith — it’s an expression of it.
Why Bother With Dirty Talk?
If you feel hesitant to try talking dirty to your spouse, you may wonder if it’s worth the effort. Here’s just a few of the ways dirty talk can have a positive impact on your relationship!
- Engages the Brain
Think about it this way: the brain is often considered the biggest sex organ, that means that our sexual encounters can greatly increase in pleasure when we engage our mind. Words and verbal stories are the most effective way of engaging the brain in sexual arousal and open us up for deeper connection with those that matter to us.
- Let Your Spouse Know They Are On Your Mind
Too often, we “disconnect” from our spouse during the day. Each person gets bogged down by their job, to-do list, and all the other things we have going on. Dirty talk can be a good way to let your spouse know they are on your mind, even when you are apart. It can also help you remember throughout your crazy day that you are a sexy person who is worthy of and deserves sexual pleasure!
- Foreplay all Day
Dirty talk can help couples start the foreplay, even before they get home. In most marriages, the wife needs a lot more time to feel aroused than her husband. However it plays out in your marriage, dirty talk is a great way to start feeling aroused and connected to your spouse before you get it on!
How Do You Start?
In the past, I used to avoid dirty talk because it seemed so overwhelming. I thought talking dirty had to lead to sending erotic pictures and “sexting,” or saying bad words. However, I’ve learned there is so much more to dirty talk than I had originally thought. The important thing is to talk with your spouse beforehand about what you both feel comfortable with. Consent is the key to help everyone feel confident in playing with dirty talk.
If you’re new to dirty talking, you can try it in written form (through messaging / texting each other) rather than talking in person. This gives you some time to think about what to say. Sometimes the teasing & banter back-and-forth, speaking in code (especially while others are around) can be quite thrilling too, so don’t rule out dirty talk in person.
Even if you aren’t the kind of person who would ever feel comfortable “sexting”, dirty talk shows up in more situations than you might think. Let’s walk through a few of them, and learn some great ideas for each!
Dirty Talk by Situation: Flirting, Foreplay, Roleplay, and Sexting
Flirting and Expressing Admiration
Flirting is often the first step of dirty talk. A lot of times, we don’t even realize this counts! This includes texting your spouse throughout the day that you’re thinking about them. It includes sending a thank you for their kindness, service, compliments, or sexy advances. The flirting stage could include complimenting your partner, telling them what you love about who they are and what they do.
If this is new territory for you, start here! Make a concentrated effort to flirt with your spouse, even when you aren’t physically together. Don’t underestimate how powerful it is to know your spouse is thinking about you (and thinking how sexy you are) even when you aren’t around.
“Flirting” Dirty Talk Ideas!
- “Hey [spouse’s name], I really love when you [way they give love]”
- “Babe, I can’t stop thinking about [great memory you’ve had together]”
- “So when are you bringing [a physical attribute you love] back around here?”
- “Baby I miss your smile”
- “Just knowing you’ll kiss me when you get home makes me excited”
Foreplay
The next “level”( so to speak) of dirty talk is foreplay. This is where the flirting gets more specifically sexual. If foreplay is a new concept to you, start by reading our Foreplay all Day Long post or our Fun Foreplay post for more specific ideas! For our purposes here, foreplay is the part of dirty talk where you start exploring sexually. Consider what things you have done or want to do sexually that really get you going. Think them through on your own, and then when you’re comfortable message or tell your spouse what they do that’s sexy! If you’re worried about kids or others seeing your messages, consider using the Just Between Us app! The app is completely secure and doesn’t show your messages until you put in your password.
One way to engage in foreplay dirty talk is to play “Choose Your Adventure.” This is when you get to ask questions! Ask your spouse what they would like or what they would be open to. Start with a scenario and ask them what they would do next.
Another way to engage in dirty talk is to ask sexy questions. Often, dirty talk (and even sex!) can feel like we are trying to read our spouses mind to find out what’s a turn on. It can be super embarrassing to guess wrong and do or say something that turns them off. So ask them! Send a text saying, “how would you feel about [fill in the blank]?” or “have you ever thought about [sexy thing]?”. This can also be a place to introduce fantasies. You may never want to act them out, and there may be some things you wouldn’t actually do, but ask your spouse about what fantasies turn them on. You can explore this more in the next section!
“Foreplay” Dirty Talk Ideas!
- “How would you feel if I [took your shirt off as soon as you walked through the door]?”
- “Have you ever thought about [kissing my stomach]?”
- “What places have you thought about having sex in?”
- “Tonight it will be just you, me, and a bottle of lube”
- “I cannot wait to put my body all over yours”
Roleplay/ StoryTelling
The next step some couples take is roleplaying with words, or sexy storytelling! To get comfortable with this step, start by telling yourself the story!, Start with setting a scene and describe what’s going on using your five senses. Where are you? What can you see, touch, taste, smell, and hear? For example, my husband and I loved our recent trip to Venice! To start a sexy story, I might tell him to picture a little alleyway in Venice. It’s dark out, but the lanterns light our path and the moon reflects off the canal. We can smell pasta and you feel me slip my hand into yours…. And take it from there!
Sexy storytelling can be a great way to explore forbidden or impractical fantasies. It can really help set the mood for an impending sexual encounter or can be the main event! Just make sure you keep being curious, and sensitive to your spouse’s comfort level as well! (If you want to try this and are having trouble coming up with ideas, listen to our podcast episode about Roleplay Sex or look at the date ideas on the Intimately Us app)
“Roleplay” Dirty Talk Ideas!
- “Picture this. You and me on a rooftop in Paris… [describe what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch]”
- “We are strangers. You run into me in a Vegas casino… you invite me up to your hotel room”
- “Do you remember [explain a particularly great sexual encounter]?”
- “If we were on the beach of a desert island, with nobody around, what would you want to do to me?”
- “Hey sexy, I heard your spouse isn’t around right now.” (Remember to talk ahead of time with what they would be comfortable with!)
Sexting
Let me start with a disclaimer, sexting is not for everyone! A lot of Christian couples don’t feel comfortable sending erotic pictures or talking about intimate themes when they aren’t together. That’s okay! The whole point of this post is that dirty talk is best when you act like your authentic self. However, if sexting sounds potentially exciting for you as a couple, then go ahead and try it! Again, the Just Between Us app can be a great resource for couples who want to start sexting but are nervous about where their photos might end up. The JBU app allows you to have a secure gallery of photos and videos that only you and your spouse will ever see. You can use this avenue to explore sexual acts you may never feel comfortable performing and talk through the pleasures and sensations of your sexy stories. Add some images to the scenario.
Remember to stay in tune with what your spouse likes and is comfortable with. Sometimes, a spicy photo with no context can be a delightful surprise, but sometimes it can be jarring if the receiver is not in the mood yet.
“Sexting” Dirty Talk Ideas!
- “Just imagine sliding your hands all the way down the front of my body…”
- “Baby, how would it feel to go down on me doggy style?”
- “What if I walked into your office right now and started taking your clothes off?”
- “I want to pull your underwear off with me teeth”
- Send a picture of yourself in your favorite outfit. Ask them what piece of clothing they would want to take off first.
Want more tips? Our From Awkward to Arousing Dirty Talk booklet is a comprehensive guide to learning how to speak erotically with your spouse! It includes tips for the novice, the hesitant, and the experienced “dirty talker”. Get it here!
Conclusion
Dirty talk can be an exciting way to get creative and engage your brain in sex! I’ve listed these ideas as levels, but feel free to mix and match! They can be used as steps all in the same conversation, or you can have a conversation of just flirting or just roleplay. Do what feels right and sexy to you.
The important factors are to stay within your safe zone and be sensitive to your spouses level of comfort. Dirty talk doesn’t have to mean sending explicit photos to each other sexting (although it can if you want it to!) but includes a whole variety of ways to be intimate with your spouse and arouse each other through your words. Talk to your spouse today about their comfort level with dirty talk and get your marriage on!
Want more ways to keep things playful between you? Explore our hub of ideas to spice up your sex life, or open the Intimately Us app for prompts and date ideas made for married couples. For the bigger picture on talking openly about sex together, see our pillar on sexual communication in marriage.
Dirty Talk: Common Questions
Dirty talk is simply saying out loud what you are feeling, wanting, or enjoying during intimacy. It can be sweet and affirming, like I love how you feel, or bold and explicit, and its whole purpose is to build arousal, express desire, and pull your spouse deeper into the moment with you.
Start with what is true: I cannot stop thinking about you, You feel amazing, I love watching you, or Tell me what you want. From there you can get bolder and more specific as you both warm up. Naming what you are doing, or what you want to do next, is the simplest place to begin.
Start small and start honest. A whispered compliment during sex is dirty talk, and it is a low-risk first step. Say one true thing about how your spouse feels or looks, then build from there over time. Awkwardness fades quickly, and your spouse will almost always love that you tried.
Tell them how much you want them, how good they feel, and what you are going to do to them. For most spouses, feeling desired is the biggest turn-on, so specific, enthusiastic words about how attracted you are land harder than anything scripted. Confidence matters more than the exact phrase.
Yes. Expressing desire for your own spouse with words is a healthy, God-honoring part of married intimacy, and the Song of Solomon is full of frank, sensual language between a husband and wife. Within marriage, saying what you love and want is simply another way to give each other pleasure.
That is completely normal, and you do not have to force it. Start at the soft end, with affirming words and honest compliments, and skip anything that feels fake. Some couples love explicit talk and others prefer sweet and simple; the point is connection, not performance, so use only what feels like you.
Written by Amanda Severson, LMFT, with Get Your Marriage On!
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