If you missed our podcast episode on dirty talk, watch it here!
“Dirty talk” has little to do with being dirty. It’s about using your words to invite arousal. It’s like foreplay with your words! It includes all forms of communication, including writing, texting, or just talking to your spouse! You might wonder if dirty talking is right for you, or even appropriate for your marriage. This article is for you! You may feel comfortable with dirty talk and simply want fresh ideas. This article is also for you!
Oftentimes, one spouse in a relationship will want to try dirty talk, but the other has a lot of hesitations. You may feel awkward or like you don’t know where to start. You may associate dirty talk with sexting or pornography and are afraid to get anywhere close to that. The phrase “dirty talk” may just not sound appealing to you. It’s normal to not want to feel dirty! In fact, some of us may feel more comfortable calling it sexy talk, sexy stories, or spicy messages. Check out this poll from our Instagram followers!
So, it looks like a lot of our followers feel turned on by dirty talk (in the right context) but feel awkward starting it or uncomfortably because they don’t feel they know what to do.
Why Bother With Dirty Talk?
If you feel hesitant to try talking dirty to your spouse, you may wonder if it’s worth the effort. Here’s just a few of the ways dirty talk can have a positive impact on your relationship!
- Engages the Brain
Think about it this way: the brain is often considered the biggest sex organ, that means that our sexual encounters can greatly increase in pleasure when we engage our mind. Words and verbal stories are the most effective way of engaging the brain in sexual arousal and open us up for deeper connection with those that matter to us.
- Let Your Spouse Know They Are On Your Mind
Too often, we “disconnect” from our spouse during the day. Each person gets bogged down by their job, to-do list, and all the other things we have going on. Dirty talk can be a good way to let your spouse know they are on your mind, even when you are apart. It can also help you remember throughout your crazy day that you are a sexy person who is worthy of and deserves sexual pleasure!
- Foreplay all Day
Dirty talk can help couples start the foreplay, even before they get home. In most marriages, the wife needs a lot more time to feel aroused than her husband. However it plays out in your marriage, dirty talk is a great way to start feeling aroused and connected to your spouse before you get it on!
How Do You Start?
In the past, I used to avoid dirty talk because it seemed so overwhelming. I thought talking dirty had to lead to sending erotic pictures and “sexting,” or saying bad words. However, I’ve learned there is so much more to dirty talk than I had originally thought. The important thing is to talk with your spouse beforehand about what you both feel comfortable with. Consent is the key to help everyone feel confident in playing with dirty talk.
If you’re new to dirty talking, you can try it in written form (through messaging / texting each other) rather than talking in person. This gives you some time to think about what to say. Sometimes the teasing & banter back-and-forth, speaking in code (especially while others are around) can be quite thrilling too, so don’t rule out dirty talk in person.
Even if you aren’t the kind of person who would ever feel comfortable “sexting”, there are some many different “levels” of dirty talk. Let’s walk through those different levels, and learn some great ideas for each!
Different Levels of Dirty Talk With Examples
Flirting and Expressing Admiration
Flirting is often the first step of dirty talk. A lot of times, we don’t even realize this counts! This includes texting your spouse throughout the day that you’re thinking about them. It includes sending a thank you for their kindness, service, compliments, or sexy advances. The flirting stage could include complimenting your partner, tellinging them what you love about who they are and what they do.
If this is new territory for you, start here! Make a concentrated effort to flirt with your spouse, even when you aren’t physically together. Don’t underestimate how powerful it is to know your spouse is thinking about you (and thinking how sexy you are) even when you aren’t around.
“Flirting” Dirty Talk Ideas!
- “Hey [spouse’s name], I really love when you [way they give love]”
- “Babe, I can’t stop thinking about [great memory you’ve had together]”
- “So when are you bringing [a physical attribute you love] back around here?”
- “Baby I miss your smile”
- “Just knowing you’ll kiss me when you get home makes me excited”
The next “level”( so to speak) of dirty talk is foreplay. This is where the flirting gets more specifically sexual. If foreplay is a new concept to you, start by reading our Foreplay all Day Long post or our Fun Foreplay post for more specific ideas! For our purposes here, foreplay is the part of dirty talk where you start exploring sexually. Consider what things you have done or want to do sexually that really get you going. Think them through on your own, and then when you’re comfortable message or tell your spouse what they do that’s sexy! If you’re worried about kids or others seeing your messages, consider using the Just Between Us app! The app is completely secure and doesn’t show your messages until you put in your password.
One way to engage in foreplay dirty talk is to play “Choose Your Adventure.” This is when you get to ask questions! Ask your spouse what they would like or what they would be open to. Start with a scenario and ask them what they would do next.
Another way to engage in dirty talk is to ask sexy questions. Often, dirty talk (and even sex!) can feel like we are trying to read our spouses mind to find out what’s a turn on. It can be super embarrassing to guess wrong and do or say something that turns them off. So ask them! Send a text saying, “how would you feel about [fill in the blank]?” or “have you ever thought about [sexy thing]?”. This can also be a place to introduce fantasies. You may never want to act them out, and there may be some things you wouldn’t actually do, but ask your spouse about what fantasies turn them on. You can explore this more in the next section!
“Foreplay” Dirty Talk Ideas!
- “How would you feel if I [took your shirt off as soon as you walked through the door]?”
- “Have you ever thought about [kissing my stomach]?”
- “What places have you thought about having sex in?”
- “Tonight it will be just you, me, and a bottle of lube”
- “I cannot wait to put my body all over yours”
The next step some couples take is roleplaying with words, or sexy storytelling! To get comfortable with this step, start by telling yourself the story!, Start with setting a scene and describe what’s going on using your five senses. Where are you? What can you see, touch, taste, smell, and hear? For example, my husband and I loved our recent trip to Venice! To start a sexy story, I might tell him to picture a little alleyway in Venice. It’s dark out, but the lanterns light our path and the moon reflects off the canal. We can smell pasta and you feel me slip my hand into yours…. And take it from there!
Sexy storytelling can be a great way to explore forbidden or impractical fantasies. It can really help set the mood for an impending sexual encounter or can be the main event! Just make sure you keep being curious, and sensitive to your spouse’s comfort level as well! (If you want to try this and are having trouble coming up with ideas, listen to our podcast episode about Roleplay Sex or look at the date ideas on the Intimately Us app)
“Roleplay” Dirty Talk Ideas!
- “Picture this. You and me on a rooftop in Paris… [describe what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch]”
- “We are strangers. You run into me in a Vegas casino… you invite me up to your hotel room”
- “Do you remember [explain a particularly great sexual encounter]?”
- “If we were on the beach of a desert island, with nobody around, what would you want to do to me?”
- “Hey sexy, I heard your spouse isn’t around right now.” (Remember to talk ahead of time with what they would be comfortable with!)
Let me start with a disclaimer, sexting is not for everyone! A lot of Christian couples don’t feel comfortable sending erotic pictures or talking about intimate themes when they aren’t together. That’s okay! The whole point of this post is that dirty talk is best when you act like your authentic self. However, if sexting sounds potentially exciting for you as a couple, then go ahead and try it! Again, the Just Between Us app can be a great resource for couples who want to start sexting but are nervous about where their photos might end up. The JBU app allows you to have a secure gallery of photos and videos that only you and your spouse will ever see. You can use this avenue to explore sexual acts you may never feel comfortable performing and talk through the pleasures and sensations of your sexy stories. Add some images to the scenario.
Remember to stay in tune with what your spouse likes and is comfortable with. Sometimes, a spicy photo with no context can be a delightful surprise, but sometimes it can be jarring if the receiver is not in the mood yet.
“Sexting” Dirty Talk Ideas!
- “Just imagine sliding your hands all the way down the front of my body…”
- “Baby, how would it feel to go down on me doggy style?”
- “What if I walked into your office right now and started taking your clothes off?”
- “I want to pull your underwear off with me teeth”
- Send a picture of yourself in your favorite outfit. Ask them what piece of clothing they would want to take off first.
Want more tips? Our From Awkward to Arousing Dirty Talk booklet is a comprehensive guide to learning how to speak erotically with your spouse! It includes tips for the novice, the hesitant, and the experienced “dirty talker”. Get it here!
Dirty talk can be an exciting way to get creative and engage your brain in sex! I’ve listed these ideas as levels, but feel free to mix and match! They can be used as steps all in the same conversation, or you can have a conversation of just flirting or just roleplay. Do what feels right and sexy to you.
The important factors are to stay within your safe zone and be sensitive to your spouses level of comfort. Dirty talk doesn’t have to mean sending explicit photos to each other sexting (although it can if you want it to!) but includes a whole variety of ways to be intimate with your spouse and arouse each other through your words. Talk to your spouse today about their comfort level with dirty talk and get your marriage on!
Written by Amanda Severson with Get Your Marriage On!