Many people who grow up in a predominately conservative Christian community usually don’t have open conversations about sex and sexuality. This can lead to misconstrued feelings about the way we express ourselves sexually, what sex is, and how sex and sexuality can impact your mind and body.
How were you taught about the way you dress? Many people received the message, “I need to dress modestly so the boys around me aren’t sexually tempted.” There are some problems with this message, however. It is missing the mark: you should dress for YOU, not because you think that what you wear will negatively affect the men in your life. And it’s up to men around you to be in control of themselves; it’s not your responsibility to manage other’s sexuality by the way you dress.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines modesty as “the quality or state of being unassuming or moderate in the estimation of one’s abilities.” Modesty should be about glorifying God and not ourselves. When we dress modestly we feel more comfortable in our own skin and don’t draw attention to ourselves. Immodesty keeps you focused on yourself, wondering if someone will be attracted to you, and for some it may leave you feeling like you need to cover up so you won’t hurt anyone around you.
When you dress modestly, you are dressing in a way that allows you to not focus on your clothing and yourself the whole time. It allows you to feel more comfortable in your skin, and ultimately enjoy your activities more. But this should be something that allows you to dress for you.
Women have just as much potential for sexual fulfillment as men do, maybe even more! But the pleasure that comes in sex for women is rarely if ever talked about. We tend to focus as a society on the pleasure sex brings to men, and that women are just there to help fulfill that pleasure. In most discussions about sexual health, we focus heavily on intercourse and other male-centric sex practices. As a result, many are left with a misunderstanding of how most women orgasm in sex! Unfortunately this misunderstanding undermines women’s sexual pleasure.
Much of this can make you as a woman think that when you get married you are simply there to service him, and you shouldn’t work to make sex great for you too. Obviously, we here at Get Your Marriage On! thoroughly disagree with this concept, and feel that every marriage, and each partner within that marriage, should work to make sex great for their partner AND themselves. Check out the Intimately Us app for lots of different games and bonding activities to help your sex lives thrive.
Sex is not just about our bodies alone. Of course our bodies are an important part of our sexual experience but really good sex is about coming together intimately. Expressing the feelings we have for each other outside of the bedroom while together inside. Intimacy literally means knowing and being known, and this should be no different in the physical intimacy you share with your partner.
Our Role as Parents
As parents we have the opportunity and responsibility to help our children understand their God-given sexuality early on and not to be ashamed of it. We need to help our children realize their potential, and learn how to dress modestly for themselves. Think about what affected you negatively as a child and figure out how you can switch that up in teaching your own children. Try to help them feel loved and learn what God teaches without shaming them into dressing or behaving in a certain way.
Navigating a Patriarchal Society
Navigating a patriarchal society at home and in religion can be very difficult as a woman. It can make you feel like your role as a woman is just to get married, have babies, and stay home to raise those babies. Changing these beliefs takes time and effort. It may not be easy, but it is possible. You must realize that your womanly roles are just as important as the man’s roles. And these roles aren’t set in stone either! Find what works for you and your relationship. You can step out of the standard gender role without letting our Heavenly Parents down.
We all have a place in this world. We need to allow ourselves and others to explore this world, find our place in it, and make that choice. Whatever your place and your role is, that is great! Just be sure to choose it and love your choice. Remember that your sexuality is your own. Your spouse’s sexuality is their own. We aren’t responsible for the other’s pleasure, but when we come together, we enjoy ourselves much more than trying to just make things good for us.
Ladies Talking Love
Ariel Finlinson has such a light about her, and I absolutely loved getting to talk with her about this subject and how we are so much more than just a body. If you want to learn more about her and her message, head over to her page at ladiestalkinglove.com. You can also find her on social media @ladies.talkinglove or check out her podcast searchable as Ladies Talking Love Podcast.
Like what you read? Be sure to listen to the full podcast episode here and download the Intimately Us app, the fun and sexy app for your marriage! It’s full of games, connecting activities, and ideas to increase connection and pleasure in the bedroom.