Sometimes, our sex life needs a little bit of a check up. Perhaps we are feeling bored or unfulfilled. Maybe life just got busy and we don’t make time for sex anymore. Or maybe something just feels off, something you can’t quite put your finger on.
Here are a few lists of questions for you and your spouse to consider that can help you figure out what area of your sex life could use a little help. Get together with your spouse and answer these questions honestly. Remember to come from a place of love and empathy. Start with hope that things can get better.
Talk About It
Talking about sex can be scary and difficult. I’ve been there. But it’s the best way to level up your marriage & sex life!
Here are some tips: put away distractions (such as a smartphone). Listen intently to each other. If you begin to feel flooded (overly emotional, angry, hurt), agree to take a 20 minute break rather than pushing through. Laugh, have fun, and hold each other tight! And have a small celebration afterwards 😉
For more conversation topics, check out the Conversation Starters section of the Intimately Us app.
Performance, Connection, and Pleasure
- Many people (usually the husband) feel pressure to perform during sex (such as try this move, touch here, do this routine, etc.). In what ways do you feel pressure to perform? How does that pressure get in the way of connecting at a deeper level?
- How can we make sex more pleasure-based and less performance-based?
- What do you hope or wish to get out of sex? What are you actually getting? How can we work together as an intimate team to get more of what we both want out of sex?
- What type of touch do you enjoy the most when you’re not highly aroused? What type of touch do you enjoy when you are highly aroused?
- Do you feel any pressure to have sex from me? How does that pressure affect your desire?
- Are you getting enough stimulation to make sex pleasurable for you during sex?
- What makes sex more than just physical to you?
- When we make love, do you feel like it’s about both of us experiencing connection and pleasure, or is it one-sided?
- How important is afterglow (what we do after sex) to you? What do we do after sex that makes the encounter sweet and our relationship stronger?
Arousal and Desire
- What are your accelerators (things that turn you on)?
- What are your brakes (things that turn you off)?
- What scenarios have we been in that you find arousing?
- Fantasy is a powerful way our minds can create sexual desire and desire. What are some fantasies you find arousing, even if we may never actually act them out in real life?
- What locations of our house (or out of the house) have we never had sex that you’d like to try sometime?
Routine and Ruts
- Most couples follow a routine or script when it comes to their lovemaking encounters. What does our script look like? What is our “default” or normal? What do you like or don’t like about it?
- How can we change up our lovemaking routine so that sex doesn’t get stale or too predicable, and to keep things fresh and exciting for both of us?
- Are you satisfied with our frequency of sex?
- What rule (spoken or unspoken) would you like to outlaw in our marriage bed?
Being an Intimate Team
- How have we worked well as an intimate team to overcome sexual challenges we both face in the past? How do we work together to overcome these challenges? What are our opportunities for growth in our sexual relationship and how can we work as an intimate team to overcome them?
- What are some of your favorite memories from our early sexual encounters?
- How important is talking and connecting prior to lovemaking to you? Do we do enough of it?
- Do we view our sexual differences as a “you” problem or a “us” problem? Can we shift our thinking to view our sexual problems as a team effort and each do our best to resolve our concerns?
- Although sex is more than just physical, it’s still quite physical. Overall physical health affects our sexual health. What are we doing to keep our bodies healthy? Are there any habits that are detrimental or inhibiting to our health, and by extension, our sex life?
- As we age, our bodies change and don’t respond in the same way. Are we afraid of these changes? Are we excited for these changes? How do we plan on keeping sex a core part of our relationship into our 60s, 70s, and 80s?
- What body image issues, if any, affect our sexual relationship?
Dealing with Real Life & Initiating Sex
- When one of us isn’t in the mood for sex, how do we generally respond when the other person asks for it? Is the way we respond constructive or destructive to our relationship?
- What life dynamics, habits, or tendencies negatively affect our sex life? Which of these influences do we have control over and how can we work together to mitigate them?
- Studies show 5 – 15% of sexual encounters are duds. Do we have realistic expectations about our encounters? How do we deal with duds?
- What’s your favorite way I initiate sex with you?
- What’s the best way for me to communicate to you that I’m in the mood for sex?
- How do you feel about calendaring, scheduling or planning ahead for sex? Would that help our lovemaking be better?
- Who initiates sex the most? Is there a large imbalance of who’s initiating more than the other? If so, how does that affect our sex life? What creative ideas do you have to make initiation more equal?
Variety, Fun, & Learning More About Sex
- What good things have we learned about sex that we wish we could pass on to others?
- What’s something new you want to try? (for example: positions, toys, locations, role play, different types of stimulation, etc.)?
- When have we laughed the hardest during sex?
- What’s the craziest, naughtiest thing we’ve ever done? What made it special and meaningful?
- What activities outside the bedroom make you feel loved and wanted inside the bedroom?
- Do we like playing bedroom games? What games do you like? What games do you want to try?
- What are your thoughts about quickies?
- What books, blogs, podcasts, or apps would you be interested in reading / listening / doing to learn more about how we can improve our intimacy? What sources would you consider to be appropriate for our marriage?
Wow, that was a lot! Good for you for being willing to have an open conversation about sex. If you’ve uncovered a problem that you don’t feel you have the answers to, don’t worry! Try out our coaching program to get help from an expert and Get Your Marriage On!