Yoni and Lingam massages are tantric sexual techniques that can aid in your slow sex experience. This is an excellent way to focus your energy on your spouse and get to know their body, mind, and sexuality on an intimate level.
Tantric sex (or slow sex, or Eastern-style sex) is the practice of being mindful and intentional in sex. It means taking things slow and truly being present in the experience. It’s like the cross-section of meditation and sex! Most importantly, it’s about discovering and connecting with your spouse at a soul-deep level. If you want to learn more about tantric sex, check out our blog post on the What, Why, and How of tantric sex!
You may not have heard of Yoni or Lingam massage. Read on and learn how you can treat your spouse to an intimate massage tonight!
First, remember that this exercise is about connecting on a spiritual level. Seek to be mindful of your present sensations during the whole experience. As the receiving spouse, focus on your bodily sensations. What feels good right now? Be kind to yourself and let go of judgments. Allow your feelings to flow into emotions. As the giving spouse, try to focus on your spouse. How are they reacting to you? You will also need to be in tune to all 5 senses. Bringing pleasure to your spouse can also please you; be aware of your feelings in the moment. Are you giving begrudgingly, or out of a true desire to know them?
A Yoni massage is a tantric practice that centers on the vulva and female genitalia. Yoni loosely translated means, “a sacred space”. Sometimes, men and women are socialized to believe the vulva is dirty or gross. This mindful practice can help both a husband and wife be mindful of their conditioning. We can purposefully choose to be grateful for female genitalia and all it can offer. Husbands, your Yoni massage should start with the mindset that you are entering your wife’s “sacred space” and celebrating her.
Start by connecting your breath with your wife’s. Lie next to each other and breathe deeply. You may also enjoy gazing into each other’s eyes as you get settled and centered. As you are mindful of her breaths, you will naturally sync up. Focus on taking breaths into the mind and then sending them down into your body. Practice mindfulness. This practice will help you get out of your head and connect you (and her) to the sensations of your whole body.
Next, get her warmed up with a massage. Start with secondary erogenous zones (such as a shoulder rub) to help her release tension and let go of anything she’s stressed about. Work on her shoulders, arms, legs, back etc. Keep a line of communication open so she can let you know where she needs it the most.
Once she is sufficiently relaxed, you can start working on more primary erogenous zones. You can try massaging the belly and lower abdomen. This can facilitate blood flow to the pelvic region. Alternate between light strokes and massages.
The breasts are also an erogenous zone that lends itself well to erotic touch. Here are some suggestions for getting her breasts warmed up. Start by massaging the outside of the breasts. Then, stroke in slow, circular motions around the areolas. Lightly stroke the nipples. You can also experiment with flicking, gently pulling, licking, and sucking the nipples. Stay connected and fully present with your wife through eye gazing, breath, and listening to what she finds pleasurable as you touch her.
Moving to the Sacred Space
Let’s recap. First, you sync with your wife and help her become completely relaxed. Then, you get to explore her body, turning her on and learning more about this fantastic person. Once she is sufficiently turned on, it’s time to enter her sacred space: the vulva.
There are a lot of “moves” you can do here. The main idea is to move slowly and with intent. Focus on her and what she is communicating (verbally and non-verbally). Massage her gently and slowly build pleasure. Trim your fingernails and have a good lubricant on hand to facilitate pleasurable and smooth touch.
If she gets close to orgasming, slowly move your touch and attention to other areas of her body before returning to her clitoris. This practice is about building pleasure through waves of orgasm (known as edging). Although orgasm is not the end goal, and is fine if orgasm happens, the focus is on experiencing pleasure together, being mindful and connected through the experience, and learning more about our spouse. That being said, here are a few ideas to spark your creativity as you explore her sacred space.
- Stroke the outer and inner lips (labia). Some women also enjoy light tugging on the lips.
- Circle the tip of the clitoris with the tip of your finger. Be sure to use lubricant.
- Push down on the clitoris and make small push-pull strokes
- Gentle tugging and rolling on the clitrois can be pleasurable if it is engorged.
- Tapping on the clitoris
- Incorporate G-spot stimulation. Current researchers believe the “g-spot” is not a specific spot but a particularly sensitive region of the vaginal wall. Some women are particularly sensitive, while some feel no perceivable difference. Learn more about the G-spot here. Explore together where your wife is particularly sensitive, but don’t hold expectations of finding a magical g-spot.
- Curve two fingers into a “C” and slide into the vagina. Explore the area an inch or two in, mirroring where the external clitoris is. Many women are particularly sensitive there. You can massage this area by making a “come hither” gesture with your fingers. Start gentle and build. You can also try placing pressure on or above the pubic bone as you do this.
Remember, this is a tantric exercise. Go slowly. This process can take over an hour (or more!) if done with care and mindfulness. Don’t focus on an orgasm, but on the pleasurable sensations of the present. If you want more ideas on technique, read our article on manual stimulation for her.
Okay ladies, it’s now your turn to be the giver. A Lingam massage focuses on (you guessed it) the penis, prostate, and other arousing parts of the male anatomy. Too often, society pigeonholes men by claiming that male sexuality is simple and base. In reality, men also have a complex web of factors (social, emotional, and physical) that contribute to their pleasure and arousal. The Lingam massage is a great way for a wife to get to explore and learn about her husband on a sexual and intimate level.
Believe it or not, a Lingam massage starts in a very similar way to the Yoni massage. Men also need the chance to get in the right headspace. Start with a relaxing massage all over his body. Work out the tension. At the same time; breath deeply, gaze into his eyes, and find a place of mindfulness. Center yourself in the present moment by focusing on your 5 senses as he focuses on his senses too. After he is fully relaxed, focus on secondary erogenous areas. The lips, neck, stomach, ears, fingers, inner thigh, nipples, etc are all sensitive areas that can arouse and cause pleasure. Compliment him on something you’re seeing or feeling.
Moving to the Sacred Space
When he is ready, move to working directly on the penis. Here are a few ideas to get you started.
- Sufficiently lubricate the area
- Slowly, gently massage the testicles, pull them slightly, or cup and fondle them in the palm of your hand. (Sensitivity in this area varies. Make sure to communicate with your husband about his preferences.)
- Stroke the penis with your fingers, hand, tongue, etc
- Focus on the tip or crown of the penis for a few moments.
- Rub up and down the shaft of the penis.
- Vary your technique: vary your grip tension, stroke sequence (up/down, twisting), one hand/two hands, speed, direction, etc.
- Note: the prostate is a gland located between the bladder and the penis that can be very pleasurable for touch when he’s aroused. You can try massaging the prostate externally by finding the small indentation between the testicles and anus. You can also massage the prostate directly by putting a lubricated finger (with a latex glove or condom) a few inches in his anus. Go slow and light at first and explore with your husband.
- It’s fine if he climaxes, but that isn’t the goal. Part of the fun of a Lingam massage is to prolong pleasure as long as possible without going over the edge. Pay attention to his breathing and how his body is moving, and when you see him on the edge, slow down and focus your touch on other parts of his body before returning to his penis, and remind him to breathe deeply.
For many more techniques, read about Manual stimulation for him. Again, this is not about orgasm or ejaculation, and it’s not the fast, quick fix of a typical hand job. It is about approaching one’s husband with love and respect. It’s about helping him (and you) experiencing waves of pleasure. With each wave, you will deepen your intimacy, understanding, love and pleasure.
Yoni and Lingam massages are a great way to deepen your intimacy with your spouse. In actual practice, they may look a lot like manual stimulation (which they are). However, the core is an attitude of love and respect and mindfulness. The goal is to learn more about your spouse and become more connected through the pleasure you experience. The goal is not an orgasm, but a coming together of two people into one.
Written by Amanda Severson with Get Your Marriage On!
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